We have been slowly working through the process of this thing called life. Perhaps that is why I have been rather silent the last while.

I don’t feel like I have many inspirations or  burning urges that will burst if I don’t capture them in script.

Now, if I would view the world from Kobe’s eyes for a few minutes, I would have plenty to say! So here’s a peek into his life..

Mommy and Daddy decided to sell Kierra’s bed. They told me another little boy that can’t sit up and run and play really needs it. They said the little boy is a little like Kierra and his daddy is going to come pick the bed up.

I thought it was exciting at first! Daddy and the man took my bed all apart and hauled it out to the man’s red van. He seemed pretty pleased with it! His little boy was sleeping in a bed they had rigged for him. That means they had propped pillows and wedges under it so he would be more comfortable. I;m sure their little boy will love it as much as Kierra did! He even has a little two year old sister. Maybe she will be able to lay in the bed with him, just like I did with Kierra!

When it was time to go to bed later that night, there was just this big empty hole where Kierra’s bed used to be. I missed it so much, I was almost crying. I begged and begged for it to come back!

Mommy brought my old crib mattress down and made me a cozy little bed in the corner of the room. Then the best thing happened! Daddy found a Thomas Train bed on Craig’s List that he showed me. He said he would try to get it for me. 

That made everything much better! I still missed Kierra’s big soft special bed, but thinking about Thomas made me feel happy inside!

Every day, I would ask about my Thomas bed. I thought it would never come! It made me grouchy. During the night, I would crawl off my crib mattress and wander over to mommy’s room, calling for her.

Last evening, as soon as Daddy came home from work we got ready to go look at the Thomas Bed! We drove for a long time! I was getting bored. I got so bored and tired that I fell asleep.

Mommy woke me up, and there was the Thomas bed , sitting in someone’s yard! I was SO excited I could hardly walk in a straight line! It was shiny and bright blue. We loaded it into the van, and paid the lady for it. 

Getting home and setting it up was the best part!

Daddy had it together in no time! He even let me help!

Mommy says I was beaming! I still am!

I slept all night long without waking ONE time!!

My other favorite thing right now is my kittens! I named them Thomas and James, just like my favorite trains. I play with them every day and give them food. Sometimes they even drink out of my pool!

Sometimes we sit and rest.

Sometimes I tell them secrets.

And sometimes, I TICKLE them!

They help me not feel quite so lonely without my sister around here.

I miss bringing her things,

and cuddling with her,

and pushing her chair.

Sometimes I wrap my blanket around my shoulders and pretend I’m an angel. That makes me feel happy too! Because someday, I want to go to heaven and be with Kierra. Maybe she will take my hand and hold it tight, just like I used to do for her.

I just can’t wait! Because sometimes, I tell mommy two things about Kierra…

“I MISS him!” 

“I want to go see Kierra!”

Love, 

Kobe

Yesterday was Ascension Day. The day that is observed as Jesus’ return to Heaven. I can just imagine the triumphant entry He made. The grand celebration that is still in full swing.
To the friends He left behind, I’m sure this day was a bit less glorious. The Promise Jesus left with them is still for us today, though! He WILL return for His children! That day can’t come soon enough for this family!:)
Yesterday, since Steve had off work, we loaded the van with supplies, and spent the day over at Kierra’s grave, pouring the footer for her headstone.
It took us much longer then we planned, due to the misty weather that popped up in the afternoon.

The ground was nice and moist from the recent rain. We dug and dug until the hole was 30 inches deep. Then we took a break at McDonalds and picked up concrete mix at Home Depot. It took 17 bags of 80 lb mix!! I was absolutely amazed! I had no idea that smallish headstones can require that big of a footer. Steve did an amazing job!

We mixed and hauled and scraped and mixed. It wasn’t really suppose to rain according to Accuweather, but of course it did as soon as we began pouring and mixing concrete.
Perhaps the heavens were weeping with our hearts, remembering that only 4 months ago, we said Goodbye. It seems much longer then that! Amazingly, it felt rather good to actually be DOING something in honor of Kierra. Our little family…together in hearts if not in persons.
We waited in the van while it misted over our plastic covered slab of concrete. Kobe thought it was quite adventurous and made ramps out of the dashboard for his trucks.
After lots of edging and smoothing we called it good enough and loaded up to head home.
That was our day yesterday. Full of conversation, misty rain, cold toes, digging, mixing, dumping…and home to hot coffee and popcorn.
.

Kierra’s spot is way down in the right hand corner under the spreading tree.

I made it.
My first Mother’s Day without Kierra. Last year, we were just fresh out of a hospital stay, and we drove to Deleware for a tiny day trip at the bay.

Yesterday, we had a great day with my family in MD. I have quite a few nieces that are older and younger then Kierra, so I had lots of little girls to love up.

It just didn’t fill the Kierra hole though. One of the things that amaze me with this whole grief process is how it effects every area of my life. Some of it is just sad. Some of it is sweet. And some of it is ugly.

I was feeling angry this morning when I woke up. Just angry and irritated and grouchy. I HATE waking up with that feeling! Anyone else with me?

I wanted to be sweet and enjoy the pampering my wonderful guy gave me. I DID enjoy it! But I had to just be quiet and soak it in so I wouldn’t say hurtful things that I totally didn’t mean or want to say.

I couldn’t even really put a finger on why I was feeling angry, but I did know that when Kobe woke at 6 AM and was speaking in his loud voice in the tender hours of dawn, I wanted to shake him.

And here it was MOTHERS DAY!

For some reason, I think of Mother’s Day as everyone smiling and these sweet, gracious Mothers with their children beaming in adoration around them.

I was a far cry from that today….and part of me was angry because I felt not to only robbed of Kierra, but also robbed of enjoying and basking in Kobe.
And that’s what I mean by the grief thing affecting so many different areas in life.

It makes you want to cry when you see a parade for Make A Wish Children, and you know that your child didn’t live long enough to even make a wish.
(These are drive by shots…so apologies about the blurring)

There were miles of onlookers scattered over the countryside, waving happily at the fire trucks and semi trucks and big wheels. Many of the fire trucks had a Make A Wish Child on board.

It reminds me that we are not alone in this journey.

Memories crowd in when I see dandelions, or deep bath tubs, or parasols.

I am weary. Bone weary. Head spinning weary. Blurry eyed, not making sense weary. Panicky about the future. Impatient with God. Don’t jump on me ONE more time, Kobe, weary. It is the end of the day. And I didn’t even do anything. Except enjoy my little family and miss Kierra.

Just so I don’t leave you all feeling like my day was rotten…let me assure you I had lots of good moments too!!
Like wonderful hugs and love from this little charmer…

And good conversation, consideration, compliments, and love from my dearest…

The sun even shone gloriously and we sat on our back yard and soaked in vitamin D…and walked to the creek.

Today was actually a very typical Mom day. A day totally entwined with
melt my heart, fuzzy moments,
you.have.got.to.be.kidding. Moments
This is NOT my child moments,
I want to scream moments,
now I am laughing moments,
tear filled eyes, heartsore moments,
I am supremely blessed moments.
Giggly two year old moments.
Wondering if there is Mothers Day in Heaven Moments

This is life….muddying through the trenches ….
And finding amazing beauty all around you.

Only God could come up with something that incredible!

I woke in the middle of the night to the music and lyrics floating ceaselessly through my head,

by Steven Curtis Chapman….

“And I’ll dance, 

with Cinderella,

While she’s here in my arms,

Because I know, 

something the Prince doesn’t know.

The clock will strike midnight,

And 

she’ll 

be

gone.

And I longed to dance with my sweet little baby…

with my one year old…

with my little girl….

 

I dream of the day that I can truly dance with her again…and see her run circles around me. My heart is so very lonely for her. When I think of not seeing her until Eternity, my brain wants to shut down and scream “NO!” 

But God has PROMISED that He will be “the Stability of my times”- Isaiah 33: 6a

 I will never forget my friend who came to my house, and danced around the living room with my little boy while I sat and held Kierra one day. She taught me how to dance with your child until the raindrops are lost in gales of childish giggles.

It would be so wonderful if you would be kind enough to leave me a line…that you have loved up on a child today. That you have swayed and twirled and looked into their eyes. That you have told them they are precious. And loved. 

You can even attach a picture if you’d like 🙂

DANCE! Before that clock strikes midnight!

Pottery Works. Lancaster City, PA.
Talk about a really great place to unleash creativity! Kate invited Kobe and I to go along with her and Katrina last week. We had so much fun! It was the first time for all of us, so we were in awe. 🙂
The shop itself is a delightful little space with lots of old fashioned character to it, mixed with bright lighting, shelves of unprinted pottery and high ceilings.
It took us awhile to decide what we wanted to paint. There were so many great options! Tea cups and waffle cone bowls and honey pots and serving bowls and piggy banks and crocks and soap dishes and countless other things. Even a tiny, delicate, adorable tea set!Then there was the big color choices to make. It was delightful!

We had so much fun, painting, layering and stenciling. Katrina did a cup with a lid, Kate did two little tea bag holders, Kobe did a plate with a train fused onto it, and I did an icecream sundae dish. We had to leave them at the shop so they could be processed through the kiln.

Now today, Kate picked them up again. They turned out lovely. Kobe was so excited with his, he wanted to paint right away again, so I let him. The paint washes off super easy.
>

The rubber band is to give his plate a bit of grip so it won’t slide off his desk. He just got this from a wonderful friend whose girls had outgrown it. He totally LOVES it!
My icecream dish came out looking very colorful and a bit amateur, but I love it! I made it especially for Steve and wrote ‘Big guys eat Big icecream’ on the side.
>

Oh! Along with a stamp of a city skyline:) He’s a great mixture of ‘elk hunter lover’ and ‘city lover’ 🙂

After our fun time painting, we ladies went to Cafe 18 just down the street for a really great lunch. Kobe slurped his Naked Juice so fast I just about didn’t get any.
>

I will totally be going to that wonderful little cafe again in the future, I hope. If you need a bit of spring cheer, go paint yourself a bright piece of pottery,and drink a refreshing Naked Mango Juice! It is totally worth it!
>

This pottery painting would be a great project for kids in hospitals or wheelchairs also! Maybe someday I can make that dream come true…
Thanks, Kate! For taking us with you and opening my world to more possibilities and creativity! >

So many kind friends came to show their support and love the evening before Kierra’s funeral.

Even the sunset was a lovely pink. It was perfect, since Kierra’s favorite color was pink. Although her vision was very limited, it always seemed to catch her eye more then the other colors.

The church house was open for friends and family to come and linger.

A table of with a few of her favorite things was set up close to the guest registry.

The day she passed away, two of my siblings gave us a little figurine from Willow Tree- ‘Angel’s Embrace’. I think her angel that bore her away on wings to Heaven is still watching over her right now.

Since harp music soothed Kierra’s restless evenings, we asked The Marinis (http://www.marinimadeharps.com/ ) if they would be so kind as to play throughout the evening. I will always be amazed at how much music helped calm Kierra. We would often play CDs all night for her to help her relax. I can just imagine her thrill at the lovely heavenly music she is soaking in right now.

The harpists were so gracious and kept soft music  in the air.

Thank you, Emily, Katrina, and Mark!

The following day was the funeral. So many people helped us make this day possible. We wanted to close Kierra’s last chapter in her bodily form with love and music, flowers and sweetness. Through the grief, the beauty was rather lost on us, but we still felt it deep in our hearts and I look back on that day with the feeling of warmth and strength and love and pink. So much pain and so much beauty all combined made a day of immeasurable grief and the peaceful pureness of a child.

Mark and Sadie spent hours on her slide show and memorandum. My family made tiny wild flower favors to pass out to the guests.

Shawn King led the congregation in singing “Children Of The Heavenly Father” and “Safe In The Arms Of Jesus”

Merv Fisher and Amos King, the pastors from church, shared also. They both brought comfort and healing to our hearts. It means more then I can say to have these kind folks who we have only known for about two years, pouring God’s grace and their love into our lives. I hope we can somehow pass on all they have given us to others, and that God would bless them beyond their imaginations!

It felt so unreal to be the family on the front bench, mourning the loss of their family member. I felt like pinching myself to see if it was real, but the big hole in my heart assured me of that.

We had an open time of sharing. Everyone that spoke helped to put a chunk of love and peace into my heart again, although the hole will always be a Kierra sized one. Thankyou, all of you!! We won’t forget your kind words!

Steve’s father spoke first. They were missionarys in Honduras for most of Kierra’s life. When they heard Kierra was not well, they prayed for healing. When they learned her diagnose, they prayed that God could be glorified through her life. Over the last year, their prayer changed. They prayed that if God would allow it, they would have a chance to connect with Kierra as a granddaughter before she left us. We traveled to Montana for Thanksgiving and their prayer was answered. Kierra was happy and feeling fairly well.

I truly think this was Kierra’s time to go. We wouldn’t ever be truly ready, but Stephen and I both felt like it was time to say Goodbye this time when she got sick. It was honestly the first time in her life that I felt like I was ready to open my hands and let her go. I had often given her to God, but a part of heart always begged God to let her stay. This time was different. She had Heaven stamped all over her sweet little face.

Mark and Sadie shared a bit. They were some of Kierra’s favorite people. Sadie wore her beautiful hot pink dress especially for Kierra.

Our wonderful night nurses both spoke a bit. Kierra loved you ladies!

Dr. Strauss, who has done a phenomenal job at keeping Kierra comfortable and is still working with other Doctors to research Yoder Dystonia, spoke as well. He is truly an amazing man.

My father closed with a few poems and the Obituary.

Then came the heart wrenching part of kissing our daughters sweet hair and face and saying Goodbye to the body we poured so much time and love into. Our brothers carried the small white casket out to the cemetery behind the church house.

There were wildflowers passed out to the children and friends to place on her grave.

And now, I can’t resist posting just a few pictures of the children at the service. Their expressions speak volumes.

After they had lowered the tiny bit of whiteness into the grave, Steve placed the first shovel of earth into the hole. It was his way of giving his daughter back to God, who loaned her to us.

Kobe wanted to scoop a bit too, so Steve helped him. I will never forget the picture in my mind of my two guys, the brown fresh earth,and the chill in the air.

It felt like my heart was buried in that dark hole with our little Kierra.

I am so blessed to have these two guys in my life though.

We also have a whole host of friends and families to pray for us and love us and support us. Thankyou…each of you!

Kierra’s grave was sprinkled with lovely bright splashes of wildflowers. As I watched the children come up and place them eagerly on the grave, I could imagine how Kierra would have LOVED to do this.

It brings hope.

“The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower!”

We are still in the dream, Kierra…

but you are SO ALIVE in Heaven!

We love you.

See you soon sweet one.

We miss her so much. Those precious little hands. I turned to look for her today, to check if she was OK. And she wasn’t there. My heart feels like it had a dose of immunizations. It is so incredibly sad. But it just keeps beating and life just keeps going on.Goodbye Kiss.

He misses her so badly. Today, especially, he is so sad and wants to be held and cuddled and read to much more than usual. He cries about the tiniest things. And stares out the window.

Their hand prints will always be side by side in our hearts…even if Kierra’s are in Heaven.

We got a few smiles out of him today. His cousins came by this morning before leaving for Montana and he laughed hysterically over bubbles.

They sat on his beanbag with him and kept him company.

Because he misses this…

Then Rocky came to play awhile.

And these two lovely ladies drank coffee with me and did pedicures and talked and sat and were so kind.

We survived our first day after the funeral. That is a milestone! Thank you for all of you for your prayers and love and kindness! I slept better last night then I have in a very long time. That is a miracle.

Please pray especially for Kobe. It hurts to see his sad eyes. I know God will help him through this too! Because He LOVES the children!