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Wildflower

Newborn.


She was lovely so lovely.

Her black hair fell straight

Across her forehead.

She was strong. So strong

Her head raised steady off my shoulder.

She was feisty. So feisty.

Her bright eyes showed intense intelligence.

She was tiny. So tiny.

She fit perfectly in his forearm.

So suddenly, and yet so gradually, things changed.

Her eyes became clouded by seizure.

Her head dropped to her chest.

Her tiny feet did not straighten

And her smiles were infrequent.

We cried and prayed and bounced

Her wailing little self though the days and nights.

A mouse ran across the bedroom floor

Late one night.

And I closed my eyes, and pretended I didn’t see it.

Because I was tired. And my baby took up

All my brain space.

The heart hurts when life changes your child.

When chromosomes stick and genetics happen.

When Doctors have no answers and Heaven is silent.

When your child chokes and drools and seizes.

When hospital beds become comfortable.

When Enya becomes a lifeline of music to calm the restlessness.

When you lose so much sleep, that you can’t sleep.

When life has question marks stamped all over it.

When Goodbye is the hardest word to say.

Three years later, I thank God for allowing the pain and hard to slowly

Morph smaller then the joy.

The beauty of blue eyes.

The snuggles and giggles and hand clasps.

The Kierra head turns and coos.

My body will never forget,

But the edges of hurt are softened.

The slash of pain less raw.

Because while I miss her wildly….

The wonder of HER, our Wildflower Child,

holds the trump card.

And that is enough.

That I got to hold her.

Kiss her.

Love her.

Be her Mommy.

It’s what will have to be enough.

Until I reach Heaven.

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Was I ever Surprised! 

A year ago I would have laughed if you had told me I would be in Nevada with a darling baby today. Totally said “phewy. That’s not gonna happen. ”
A year ago, I was feeling physically well, but achingly purposeless. I was feeling desperate and broken. I wanted a baby, but that wasn’t an option. I wanted to help others and make a difference, but all my leads were falling through. While I enjoyed working at the hospital, I was feeling God nudging me In a different direction and it was feeling very confusing. It was increasingly hard to work in the medical world when memories of Kierra’s hospital stays kept appearing out of no where on my radar. It was hard. Really hard. 
I knew winter was coming way too fast in Montana and I’d have to go back to working night shift MUCH MORE and that alone made me want to hide under the bed. I was desperate for leading and direction and something to plug into. I felt like my whole life was on hold and no one could find the resume button. I really wanted to just fast forward and get some answers. I was searching. Praying. I wasn’t sure what it was for. 
A few months prior, I had started taking these amazing supplements that were making me feel so much more balanced and giving my health back to me. I LOVED them, BUT we were strapped financially and I had tried calling in to the company several times to cancel my membership simply because I didn’t think we could afford it anymore. 
Now this sounds crazy…literally, but I could NEVER actually speak to them. I would be put on hold for so long that I’d have to go do something more important then canceling my membership before getting through to anyone. I look back now, and Thank God! He knew exactly why I wasn’t suppose to cancel that membership. In fact, I think He was up there, smiling at my frustration, wanting to say, “Surprise! Trust me on this one, girl!” 
Last July, we went camping with friends back In The beautiful Little Belt mountains. I sat, weeping, in my friends RV, wondering when life would ever begin to make sense or start falling into place again. “Why don’t you work for this amazing supplement company?” My friend asked me. “ANYONE can do it right from their home, plus, you’re already taking their products.” 
It was that weekend that I saw a glimmer of hope again. I saw the edges of a dream. I felt something click with me and I knew this was something I couldn’t turn my back on. 
I went home and got out my computer and started working from my kitchen table. It scared me silly but I was desperate. My dreams got bigger and I started to see my purpose unfolding. 

I could weep happy tears today …..
Because now I get all my products for free and I feel absolutely amazing. I get to offer hope to other people. I get to watch folks dreams come true. I get to have people tell me how much better they feel and how thankful they are. I get to make new friends and deepen relationships and rejoice  at changed lives. I get to see God being glorified. I get to travel to amazing places and learn how to be a better person and friend. 

I get to dream of staying home this winter with my sweet baby boy that God gifted us with when I thought it would never happen. I get to dream of spending more time with my sweet Kobe and my handsome Steve and helping others who are struggling through the pain of life in honor of my Kierra in Heaven. 
That makes me so excited I could weep. 
I’m so thankful I took a chance on something that took me out of my comfort zone. Something that was so much bigger then me. Something that is real and genuine. Something that honors God. It’s why I’m passionate about my business. Its why I am in awe of today. It’s why I want to tell you, my friend, to hang on. Dream big. Keep Believing. Because when you truly believe, nothing can stop you! You’ve got what it takes! 

Dream big! Reach high! Don’t be afraid to spread your wings and fly!