Two Years Ago…

One of my young friends made this special little book in memory of Kierra. My brother, Joe wrote a poem for her two years ago. It brought tears today again but it’s one of my favorite things in memory of her…..



When ‘Dead’ is Alive


Perhaps it describes the feeling of our hearts better then then the breath that escaped the human body.

Because as a kind man once told me….we are still in ‘the dream’. And if we are still in the dream, then our loved ones who have gone to Heaven…..they ARE LIVING the dream!


I let this truth sink DEEP into me….God is still the GOD of Abraham because He is the God of the LIVING. And if Abraham is actually LIVING in Heaven after all these years, then I know my Kierra is also. (Scripture coming up)

Perhaps it is rather strange to you that this would be such a vital life line to me. While I have known for two years that Kierra is with Jesus, I was still a bit fearful that she would not be truly ‘Alive’. I guess that’s what happens when you cannot touch your child’s soft cheek, or stroke their silky hair, or watch the rise and fall of their chest, or hear them laugh. It is really really hard to believe that they are truly ALIVE. Your heart may believe but your brain has a really hard time following.

Matthew 22. Just listen…. Have you not read what was spoken to you by God? I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. He is not the God of the DEAD but of the LIVING.

(Capitalization mine)

I read this verse over and over thinking that since Abraham died, then who IS God saying He is the God of? It struck me deep….this was about resurrection. I can be assured that our little girl is truly ALIVE.

The very thought of it thrills me all over again. I embrace it close to my heart and hang onto that joyful hope that I will see her and hold her and hear her voice again! Because she is TRULY MORE ALIVE. Then Me.

If your loved one has left for Heaven a bit earlier then you…just know that they are ALIVE! And you have nothing to fear when you are serving our Father God! He is their God as well as yours and that makes Heaven seem not quite so far away.



Two years ago we were hanging onto the moments we had of life with our sweet daughter.  Two years ago I thought life couldn’t be much more perfect if Kierra would just feel well and not die. Two years ago, we lived in a little apartment on the end of an old farmhouse built in the 1700s. Two years ago we were so engrossed with feeding tubes and belly issues and keeping the 14 medications ordered and keeping Kierra comfy and chasing after a funny 2 year old.

We didn’t worry very much about what we ate or if our clothes matched or if the windows were clean. We heard snatches of what was happening in the world around us but mostly we were focused on getting through the day without a trip to the Doctor. Or even just a call.

We reveled on family time and going to bed before 10:30 and any little outing we could snag. We thought a whole night of uninterrupted sleep was worth a million bucks. (Well, I still kinda think it is:) somehow being a mommy has totally eradicated sleeping an entire night without waking)

We were doing our best to embrace the unexpected life God had given us. While I stumbled and fell and had one mess of a heart and mind sometimes, I also absolutely LOVED being a Mommy to my two Littles. I loved being a wife to my Big Guy. I didn’t nearly even close get it all right, but i felt God carrying us….picking us up when we fell. Giving us strength for each moment of each day. Each decision and each bit of laughter and each I’m sorry. It wasn’t always pretty, but He never left us. Never walked away because we were too much for Him. His grace carried us.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams and passions and life recently. My mind wonders down dangerous questions like “Does God care about my dreams? Does He give us wonderful things only to rip them away? Should I stuff my love for children in some tight dark corner and pretend it doesn’t exist? Should I try to change my heart and look away from every baby in town for fear I won’t be able to stop myself and ask to hold them and the poor mommy will think I’m a stalker? ”

I came across a verse recently in my heart searching that spoke deeply to me. While I don’t in any way want to take the Bible out of context, this verse seemed to speak right into my struggle.

“If you cling to your life, you will lose it. But if you give it up for me, you will save it. ” Matt. 10

The words – cling to your life – seemed to jump out and throttle my attitude around the throat.

God gave us our gifts and callings for a reason. However, when we think we have the right to plan how that unfolds in our lives, we are in for a huge wake up! And it may not be all that pretty 🙂  my agenda is not always the plans God has for me! My clinging to my idea of a good life is not helping .

However, I will keep feeling. Keep dreaming. I will give my struggles and questions to God.

I will give up my agenda and what I thought my life would look like….I will stop clinging to MY ideas.

The Kierra spot will not be filled here on earth. I wouldn’t want it to be.

But I just know God made me the way He did for a reason. So I give Him my hopes and dreams. I give up the life I dreamed of. I am sitting back, watching and waiting for what He has for me. It may be tiny and insignificant. That’s OK. Whatever it is, I am HIS and His plans are  a million times better then mine!….Everyday!

So my little words I want to pass to your heart today? It’s OK to let go. It might feel like your free falling. Like it doesn’t make sense. But if we cling to our plans for our life and stay stuck in the broken dreams for years on end, we are missing a huge blessing . If God promised to pour out a blessing from Heavens windows when we give Him our tithe, how He must love to pour out His blessing when we give Him Our life!

It may not be fun or easy and you may not know how to even go about it. Because it hurts so much. Believe in the power of your God though! He gave His life for you. He knows how hard it is and He’ll meet you and fill in all the details. All we need to do is have a willing heart and stop clinging to our own lives.

I am so thankful for the three and half years I had with my two Littles! They were priceless!


The coming year can be priceless too, because We are God’s!



Its my word right now. Likely all through the year. A goal I want to keep in front of me in this crazy fast paced world where my mind is left looping endlessly after futile.
Rest. Secure in the presence of God.Recently I was in a very stressful situation. And feeling super anxious. I     whispered little prayers to God and knew in my mind He really wasn’t going to let me alone for one moment. But I still wasn’t totally at ease.
Suddenly, a picture flashed across the screen of my mind. A muted tone image of strong hands cradling a heart. It gave me courage to face my fear. To know that if my Father can hold the whole world in His hands, my heart won’t be any problem at all for Him to cradle.

I am a genius at stirring up ideas and life altering plans in my brain. Sometimes I’m so weary from thinking along so many Intertwining trails. I get lost in the adventure And before I realize what is happening I’m laying wake at night with the OFF switch to my brain shorted out.

Its good to have goals and ideas and dream big….but when my dreams are all about me and what I can do in 50 eleven different areas in life it all becomes a bit overwhelming.

Because if  I’d do what I dream of..

I would take in homeless neglected children.
I would volunteer at the rescue mission
I would be an advocate at the preganacy crisis center.
I would  care for medically fragile children.
I would workout everyday and enjoy it.
I would paint a masterpiece or even a scene that resembles life and someone other me would see beauty in it.
I would learn a new language.
I would become a pediatric nurse.
I would write a book.
I would enjoy every minute of every day with my husband and 4 year old.

In all the good and noble and worthy that is rolling around in my brain ….there stands the reality that if I do not first rest in God and gain His true genuine Love….then all these things are worthless…(1 Cor. 13 )

So I will take a step Into the arms of my Father. I will rest And wait on Him and His leading. I will do the most important Thing on my list….I  will love love love my husband and my son. Every day. They are a gift to me straight from the heart of God!
I will also dream of opening my arms and watching our Kierra run Into them…someday.

The rest of life will fall in place.

I want to rest. At peace. And let God fill me so full….that His rest spills over to other weary souls.