Finding Yourself

He Finds Me

I came to a realization .

A slow dawning that is has been a long time in the rising. 

I always thought that WE search and seek for God. That we give our selves to Jesus and ‘find peace’. 

Now I know, there is submission ,etc. but without getting technical with any terms ….

I want to shout it from the bottom of my heart….

JESUS found ME!

Just as The sheperd found the lost lamb. Just as the Woman swept her floor until she  found  coin. Just as the Light streamed down on Saul and found  his darkest needs…..

So I came to realize that JESUS finding me was a totally different situation then ME finding Him.

Because when I am finding Him I am still DOING and SAVING and trying to BE. I am reaching and struggling and finding satisfaction in ME. ( one of my weakness is always trying to be better and never achieving what I feel is enough) (my striving aalways only lasts for a bit until I think I need to do more or start all over again)

But when I realize my need and my brokenness. That He already has been In the depths of my addiction of striving. That He knows the magnitude of my fears. That the only way to true freedom is to stop the struggle and beg HIM to find me. When I choose that, I am giving up and giving Him control and giving Him every atom of glory and power .
And again, I realize that I am broken and incompetent and incomplete, and only by HIM can I be found. 

Only through Him I am worthy to be His daughter.

And even that is a mystery.

This changes my life. It changes my thinking. It changes my future and covers my past. 

This thing of HIM saying I am FOUND!

And when I get overwhelmed and don’t know what to do, then I still my heart and whisper, 

“find me, Jesus!”

And He does. 


When Hope Slips

              “I don’t know how to do this.”

It’s that gripping knowledge that I am not up to the challenge. I’ve come head to head with it a few times in life. It’s scary beyond words. One of the most vulnerable helpless feelings a human can have.

When our little girl was born and was so beautiful she could have been a china doll. 

When she wouldn’t suck and started to lose weight .

When she was diagnose with  NCS, a rare genetic disorder with no cure available.

When I found out I was having another baby that would be 15 months younger then my little girl.

When I didn’t know how to stop her cries.

When I felt like a failure as a wife and Mommy and I was too tired. 

It hit me the hardest when my little girl died. I knew how to love and be a Mommy and be her advocate and voice. I had learned what her cries meant and how she liked to be held and her favorite music. 

But I didn’t know how to live without her. And it was terrifying. I didn’t know how to be the grieving Mommy or how to wade through the emotions and still be a wife. I didn’t know what I needed or what my little boy needed or what my husband needed. I didn’t know how to have a funeral or what to do with all the Kierra Things that filled our house. 

It’s been almost 22 months since that specific breathtaking grip of fear and total helplessness washed over me. I still don’t know how to do life. I’ve come to understand the verse in the Bible a bit more clearly though…His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

Because when I can’t .

He can. 

When I’m too weak. 

He is never too tired. 

I didn’t need to be a certain way in life. Be the perfect Mommy. Totally understand my emotions. Cry at the right times or say the right grieving words. I just needed to hold His hand. My Father who held Hope.

Life brings heartbreak, unexpected changes, overwhelming circumstances. And paths you never dreamed you’d travel. 

No matter what you are facing right now….

A terminal diagnose. 

A loved one dies.

You are abandoned.

You lose your possessions.

Your heart gets broken.

Everything familiar is shaken.

Know this without a doubt….

You will get through this! 

If you are holding onto the God of Hope, you have nothing to fear.

You will learn a new rhythm in life. You will learn to see through different eyes. You will find familiar once again. 

You will never be the same.

But you will smile again. You’ve got this. 

Because God’s got you. 

And He never changes. He’s the ONE constant that knows EXACTLY how to do it. He will show you. With all His gentleness and love and grace that He pours into life. 

He never gives up on you. You ALWAYS have HOPE! 

Because hope isn’t always feelings. 

It’s a gift that God gives us that we can hang onto with both hands and anchors our soul to the ROCK!


Healing Heart


Gifted with life.
Gifted with a heartbeat.
Gifted with grace to embrace life.


We attended a banquet recently that was a fundraiser for Echoz, our local pregnancy center. They are a Christian center that offers free ultrasounds and help women work through pregnancies…..especially ones that come at a difficult time in life.  The message of the night was “Be still and know that I am God.”

The nursing staff and patient advocates offer support , encouragement, and ultimately Gods love to hundreds of women a year. They also realize no matter  how much they long to guide people in pro life choices, it is ultimately not in their power to force anyone into a discussion.

That’s part of being still. Part of letting God work. Part of being there for every individual to meet them where they are and offer support after what  choice they eventually decide to make.

A sweet vibrant lady from Texas spoke from her heart about the abortion she had. Her journey through helping to run an abortion clinic and eventually the freedom and forgiveness she found in Christ. It took her 15 years before she could even begin grieving her Heidi that she had lost. I don’t know much of her life story but if there were Christian’s praying specifically for her through those difficult years, I’m sure they felt like their ‘being still’ wasn’t really working all that well.

The ‘Knowing that God is God’ may have dulled around the edges. Became a sceptical mass of impatience.

But God.
He has done an amazing work through this same lady that chose abortions, and 1,000s of babies have been saved. 1,000s of mother’s spared that inexpressible grief. 1,000s of father’s turned toward a different path then so many grieving,self destructing  daddies find themselves in.

When God calls you to pray and be still when He asks you to simply KNOW that He is God. When we want to do and do and do. When we think we are useless unless we are DOING. When there is no stillness left.

And all we can hear is our own striving and trying and analizing and reasoning.
Then God is still there…still asking us to
Be Still and KNOW.
Trust His timing. The One who created each individual, whether they draw a breath or not, knows them so much better then they know themselves.

And although action is so dynamic….

Being STILL is just as strong!