When Hope Slips

              “I don’t know how to do this.”

It’s that gripping knowledge that I am not up to the challenge. I’ve come head to head with it a few times in life. It’s scary beyond words. One of the most vulnerable helpless feelings a human can have.

When our little girl was born and was so beautiful she could have been a china doll. 

When she wouldn’t suck and started to lose weight .

When she was diagnose with  NCS, a rare genetic disorder with no cure available.

When I found out I was having another baby that would be 15 months younger then my little girl.

When I didn’t know how to stop her cries.

When I felt like a failure as a wife and Mommy and I was too tired. 

It hit me the hardest when my little girl died. I knew how to love and be a Mommy and be her advocate and voice. I had learned what her cries meant and how she liked to be held and her favorite music. 

But I didn’t know how to live without her. And it was terrifying. I didn’t know how to be the grieving Mommy or how to wade through the emotions and still be a wife. I didn’t know what I needed or what my little boy needed or what my husband needed. I didn’t know how to have a funeral or what to do with all the Kierra Things that filled our house. 

It’s been almost 22 months since that specific breathtaking grip of fear and total helplessness washed over me. I still don’t know how to do life. I’ve come to understand the verse in the Bible a bit more clearly though…His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

Because when I can’t .

He can. 

When I’m too weak. 

He is never too tired. 

I didn’t need to be a certain way in life. Be the perfect Mommy. Totally understand my emotions. Cry at the right times or say the right grieving words. I just needed to hold His hand. My Father who held Hope.

Life brings heartbreak, unexpected changes, overwhelming circumstances. And paths you never dreamed you’d travel. 

No matter what you are facing right now….

A terminal diagnose. 

A loved one dies.

You are abandoned.

You lose your possessions.

Your heart gets broken.

Everything familiar is shaken.

Know this without a doubt….

You will get through this! 

If you are holding onto the God of Hope, you have nothing to fear.

You will learn a new rhythm in life. You will learn to see through different eyes. You will find familiar once again. 

You will never be the same.

But you will smile again. You’ve got this. 

Because God’s got you. 

And He never changes. He’s the ONE constant that knows EXACTLY how to do it. He will show you. With all His gentleness and love and grace that He pours into life. 

He never gives up on you. You ALWAYS have HOPE! 

Because hope isn’t always feelings. 

It’s a gift that God gives us that we can hang onto with both hands and anchors our soul to the ROCK!


10 thoughts on “When Hope Slips

  1. I have thought that Hope is like the lowest common denominator among people who trust in difficult/impossible situations. Once you have hit a low where there is only one way and that Way is up, then you can relate to so many different situations and share Hope. God is using you, I feel confident, because you are holding on to Him!


  2. Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it today, today when we feel like we’ll never be happy or smile again. Thank you for reminding me that He is always there, there is always hope.


  3. Your words spoke truth to me, you will never be the same, I have gone through a few traumatic things in life, losing our house to a fire, the death of my mother Ind brother in car accidents. Through it all God has shown himself faithful. We can allow circumstances to make us a better person or bitter. God bless you as you continue on your journey.
    Mary Ann Mast


  4. Thanks for the reminder. It is so hard to learn. I think I need to get through on my own. Thank you for sharing glimpses of your journey. I’m almost at mile mark 1 year. God has been more than faithful. But some days I wonder when the “joy” comes back?


    1. I feel you Joy! It does eventually come but joy is sometimes rather cloaked with sad. I think we can choose joy but it may not be the happy feeling we normally experience. Praying your joy would return even if it appears different then you imagined! You will laugh again someday!


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