5

It seems when I boldly declare my stand for Christ and His promises, that crafty Satan comes weaseling depressing thoughts and degrading hopeless words into my mind.

This weekend we spent some time with Steve’s folks camping and also some time just with the three of us.

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We had a great time but I fought hard to keep fear and doubt at bay and sometimes it felt like I would dunk right under into negativity and that it was just too much effort to pop back up. 

With those feelings came multiple emotions. We received the shocking news of a 21 year old Amish cousin who was hit head on with a car while biking. It was a fatal accident and my heart breaks for his family. I will never forget waking up the first morning after Kierra died and feeling that suffocating grief paralyse us.

Emotions can do that too. Eventually the original struggle has morphed into so many little tendrils that snake entwined together and before you know it you are nearly crying because you haven’t gotten your hammock  hung yet and its already Late July. And you hate yourself for being sad over such a trivial thing.

So tonight after unpacking the essentials from our excursion I took my journal and sat outside at our little retro table and had myself a serving of tears. A main course of writing and frank conversing with God and dessert of slapping nasty mosquitoes.

I read some wonderful reasssuring verses and hung onto Truth as hard as I could.

Then about an hour later the most amazing thing happened. A gorgeous rainbow stretched in the pink hued sun set sky.

And there was no rain even.

Just smoke from far off forest fires. Orange and pink and dark clouds.
And this pastel rainbow.
I smiled.
And felt the glow of Gods love radiate in me. It was true! He loved me.
And maybe- just maybe. Kierra had a rainbow request He filled for her 😉

You can borrow my rainbow today if you are struggling to feel His love.

Its not a great phone picture. But its a promise.

And promises are kept .
Always. By God.
He will never drown us with a flood He cannot save us

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from.

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2

Who AM I?

It’s when the moon sets all smoky orange and surrounded with darkness.

It’s when the yellow butterfly that has been swooping by my window all month flutters through the sprinkling water.

It’s when the wind blows just so.

When the wire fan whirls over Kobe. And he insists on having it turned on. 

(Just like his sister used to. I can still hear her whining in her bed until we turned her fan on at night for her. 😉

It’s when the rain comes and the fragrance of  green permeates the air.

Its when my Steve turns toward me and smiles on purpose.

It’s when my little Kobe spontaneously says ” You’re cute. Would you be my best friend?” 

 (From his car seat in the back of the dark car at 10:00 PM.)

I catch snatches of Kierra and hang onto the love.

It’s when the miles of clouds have such glittering bursts of gold streaked all around them and through them that I can barely breathe. 

When there is sunset all around you in a big circle of sky and clouds and space and every direction has a different splash of color.

It’s when the light and love of His beauty shines through my fear and I can scarcely see for the GLORY He has in store for me. For the blessings He pours out on me. For the gifts He gives me. For the grace that enfolds me. Empowers me.

 Every. Single. Moment. Every. Single.Day. 

I catch a tiny glimpse of my Jesus and His wonderful love.

He created each of us. In His image. No matter what you think you are or are not. 

Child of God,  You are HIS! 

Redeemed. Newly Created. Free.

I am  believing that. I am not who I used to be. I can let go of the past and the mistakes and the fear and the harsh judgment I held myself to. I can leave the keeping of my soul in My Savior’s hand who loves me totally. 

I am new.

I have struggled most of my life with feeling like a failure. With never being good enough. With being ‘a joke’ . Perhaps, being a typical middle child, I never thought I was taken seriously or listened to. I embraced the concept that I could never have a good idea. Or measure up to expectations. That I was a loose cannon ball and everyone was using their arsenal of technics to keep me from misfiring. And so I grew up with a very undecided mind of who I was. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. “Wishy washy. Wild child.” From saving babies in foreign countries to being a veterinary, I swung into any new thought with abandon. I had almost no self esteem. Desperate for acceptance, I agreed with nearly everyone and could scarcely form even the smallest decisions on my own. Which made me feel more unstable then ever. 

Over the past years….the question still haunts me. Who Am I?

In the moments of “Aw. Yes!” When I see character traits of my Kierra…of my Kobe …my Steve…and my Heavenly Father. ….

And it is So Genuine THEM ,

 I realize again that I am me. I am unique. Genuine. Created by God with a specific purpose and DNA  that is truly me.  

(And my friend, YOU are YOU. Unique. Loved  🙂 

Perhaps it will be a life long struggle. Who I am today is not who I may be in 10 years for now. 

But although  our past will always be part of us here on earth, it does not need to define us. 

I chose to believe the strongest, simplest, truth. 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

A daughter of  the King. 

Loved by Jesus. 

I choose to embrace the freedom and grace of a new identity. To truly believe the things in the past cannot mess with my mind and make me a life long failure. 

It’s so much easier to say then to actually embrace and  believe. I need to choose over and over to rein my thoughts in and come back to TRUTH. And sometimes I get all caught up in those ‘failure, self achieving ‘ web of lies all over again.

But today, my friend, live like a Child dearly loved by the King.

Let yourself feel His love.

His delight.

Exactly where you are…

In the messy 

Or the barren

The spartan 

Or the full.

The Searching.

Or the finding.

  
You are held and loved.

1

A Hand To Hold

Two years ago

On the way home

From a long hospital stay

  
Sometimes he still begs

For someone 

To sit beside him

In the back seat.
Sometimes I reach back

Far and uncomfy

While I drive

And touch his foot

Or hold his hand
And he squeezes tight

And he is silent
Because 

sometimes

We 

Just

Need

A

Hand

To

Hold.