June 2015 – Wildflower Muse

Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken

Remember when you wonder if you’re going to make it.

There’s a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt.

We can’t pretend to see the ending

Or what’s coming up ahead

Don’t know the story of tomorrow

But we can stay close to the One who knows.

We can trust our God

He knows what He’s doing.

Though it might hurt now

We won’t be ruined.

He’s holding onto you and me

And He’s never going to leave.He is with us.He is with us.

Always. ALWAYS.

There is purpose

There is meaning

In everything

We surrender to His leading

He wants nothing more than to have us close.

Our faith is sealed

Our hope is real.

Come what may

We’re not afraid.

He is with us!

Always!

-song from the album Love and The Outcome

Somehow when one sees the giant sculpting of our Creator; one knows without a shadow of a doubt that He is totally capable of caring for every detail in our lives.

No matter that we have no idea what breathtaking event awaits around our next corner. He will be there and He really does have a plan.

Our lives are not just random events strung together.

We are incredibly loved.

We went to Glacier and for Father’s Day. I’ve been saving up money quite awhile for something special and I couldn’t think of any better way of spending it then giving my wonderful guy a little paid vacation. He has worked so hard and sacrificed so much for us all over the last years.

We stopped beside Going To The Sun Road with Heaven’s Peak in the background for a little family picture.

I wish we could have actually glimpsed into heaven for awhile but the clouds soon rolled in over the Rockies. We just carried our Wildflower Girl in our hearts and lived in the moment and enjoyed the wonderful clear mountain air scented with pine and glacier water.

This spot reminded me of what I imagine the Alps look like. I could picture Peter and Heidi from Heidi herding their sheep, picking wildflowers and eating bread and cheese with swigs of fresh goat milk.

The spray of clear fresh water would dance over us and Kobe would squeal with delight.

All I could think as we drove through such incredible VAST beauty was the song, “How Great is Our GOD!!!”

Rest my soul. Rest and worship.

There is no reason to fret about tomorrow. He’s got this.

My mind has been spinning me in circles lately and I am weary of worrying and wondering and waiting and questioning if God is even listening. I’m weary of missing Kierra and not talking about it more and I’m weary of not WANTING to talk about it more. And I’m afraid that everyone will TRY to talk to me about it and I have no idea if i even WANT to talk about it. (I hope no guys have to read this ‘mad woman’ scramble of thoughts. LOL)

Grief is so very contradictory for me. I did not know that feelings of sad and happy, hate and love, can flow so near each other. (Perhaps hate is a bit of a strong word but right now I can’t think of a better one 🙂 I HATE missing Kierra but I LOVE how much I love her. Sadness and happiness intermingle until they become so entangled you can scarcely survive without either one of them. Then comes the moment of fear when you know memories and the life that was yours is slipping away and a new chapter is breaking and you are paranoid you can’t go back but more paranoid to move forward and totally paranoid to hold still.

And it was in a moment like this that I heard the song play that I typed above. It called my heart to God and His unfailing Heart of Love. Answers do not need to come in tidy packages with a specific map to show the way. They come by simply trusting. And moving one step forward at a time. Knowing that God will most likely surprise you with more joy and heartache then you ever imagined. And knowing it will totally be worth it. Because He has an absolute GLORIOUS plan in mind! and He will NOT RUIN His children!

Sometimes I wonder what is going on in my three year old’s brain. I’ve never had a three year old that can actually tell me what they are thinking.
As close as my connection to Kierra was (aw. I still don’t like that was word.) I was usually guessing when it came to what she actually thought of me. Her snuggles and brushes of lips on my cheek and little purrs let me know she loved me. Very much. But she could never let me know in English language. We have alot of catching up to do someday!

I read a book to Kobe the other day that made me so upset I nearly threw if across the room but since I expect more of him then that, I better hold myself to the same standards. It was a lovely illustrated older hardcover explaining how God loves you. Normally I would have loved it except this is a bit like it read….
“How do you know God loves you?
He gave you two strong legs to run.
He gave you hands to help your mommy.”
Ditto ditto ….more of the same through the whole book. It made me very upset! Because if God did not give you the ability to run, does that mean He doesn’t love you? Most defiantly NOT!! He loves you exactly the way He made you.
And that got me to thinking along the more grownup thoughts of how we explain Gods love to our children. When they are very young I think Gods love is shown through us primarily.

Acceptance. Patience. Affirmation. Direction. Consequences. Hugs and kisses. Time.

Kierra’s last physical therapist was a mommy of two darling boys. Recently she posted these questions to ask to your child. I thought they were totally worth sharing! I was amazed at Kobe’s answers and it gave me a clearer view of how he views me. His view of me right now will effect his view of God someday!

So here they are….all 23 and remember…no prompting your child on right or wrong answers;) I did have to reword them a bit by asking in first person instead of ‘mommy’. And he did get tired of thinking 🙂

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
2. What makes Mom happy?
3. What names Mom sad?
4. How does Mom make you laugh?
5. What was your mom like as a child?
6. How old is your mom?
7. How tall is your mom?
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
10. If your mom becomes famous what will it be for?
11. What is your mom really good at?
12. What is your mom not really good at?
13. What does your mom do for a job?
14. What’s your mom’s favorite food?
15. What makes you proud of your mom?
16. If your mom were a character who would she be?
17. What do you and your mom do together?
18. How are you and your mom the same?
19. How are you and your mom different?
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
22. Where is your moms favorite place to go?
23. How old was your mom when you were born?

Just as these answers are not right or wrong…(its all about a child’s perspective) so our love for our children will not all look the same. Our children are individual little people who will not tolerate being put in a tidy box. At least most of them won’t:)

Just as God has given them different personalities He has also blessed some with health and others struggle all their life to reach out and hold your hand.

God loves them equally the same. He loves us exactly where we are as well. He doesn’t love us BECAUSE we can run and play. Not because we are talented or wealthy. He loves us simply because He is our Father and we are His child.

I discovered Kobe feels loved when I talk to him and play with him. That he thinks my favorite thing to do is work. And that my favorite place to go is Florida. My favorite food is even salad.

So here’s to playing, listening, and talking more. Here’s to showing him God’s love cannot be earned or handed out as a specialty club card for certain individuals. It’s a free gift with no favorites because everyone is the favorite child.

Here’s to thanking God for the blessings of speech and health and suntanned cheeks and sky blue eyes.
A

childhood of simple joys, wishful thinking, and still picking flowers for Kierra

Month: June 2015

He Knows What He’s Doing

23 Questions To Ask Your Child