5

Confession of A Control Freak Spirit

So I just had to share this little ( or huge) gem I found this morning.

As some of you know, we are in the middle of making some BIG decisions right now. A large part of it is moving out of our ‘temporary’ life into a more settled place. The past three and a half years we’ve been ‘going with the current’, doing whatever needed being done for Kierra. I didn’t want to come to this place in life so quickly, but here we are….so we will deal with it.

This past week, we have been especially praying about our future. By the end of the week, I was like a ticking time bomb.

Before I go farther…let me tell you that ONE sentence in life can make a huge impact on someone. A bunch of them all strung together through a persons days can lead to new sights and understandings.

Like my friend, who asked me, “isn’t that control?” when I was being all bemoany about our situation.

Like the new friend I met that told me her “friend turned into a beautiful strong woman and ‘found’ herself” (or who God had created her to be) through a very difficult time.

I borrowed a book from Sadie recently and was reading through it randomly.

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It’s like God opened my eyes for the first time in years to a BIG ugly problem I had, that I thought I DID NOT have!
Control.
Passively controlling situations in life was my specialty. Using all kinds of ways in my husband’s life and others around me, that would tip the scale in MY favor (hopefully).

Now I know we all have our sides we don’t want people to look closely at or see. But honestly? My side like that was really, really ugly. Guess what? Most times, it was when I felt out of control. I tried for years to ‘get over it’. I apologized and cried and begged God to help me. I promised to do better and sobbed in frustration and self loathing.

On Monday, I realized for the first time, that my way of controlling was SIN. And I needed to repent. So I treated it like SIN instead of an ugly bad habit. I repented and asked God’s forgiveness.

And I will be honest here…Part of me was paranoid of letting go. I had cloaked my control into tidy little words like
“I feel SO responsible!” (So it’s ok to stand firmly on my opinion).
Or “I just CANNOT be happy and OK in this situation right now. ”
Or “I HAVE to be a better Christian”
The list could go on and on.
I would even press My husband to make a decision under the pretence of
” if you decide what to do, then I will know if I should deep clean my house now or later.”
Now there’s nothing wrong with that statement alone, but guess what? I was tying to control him and make him feel like he NEEDS to decide because I, Myself, and ME wanted to know what was happening next in life…not so much wether I should clean now or later!

By the way, my husband has been so kind to me over all these years…even when I was holding back my ‘trust’ but still outwardly submitting. I thank God for him!

Letting go of all my little apprehensions and fears…taking them to Jesus, and not hanging onto them for dear life looks scary. But wow! The FREEDOM and REST!

This morning I found some verses that reminded me of my controlling spirit…

All you who light fires and provide yourself with flaming torches,
Go,
Walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hands.
You shall lay down in torment.
Isaiah 50:11

Now I don’t think one needs to passively sit through life, or close their eyes to sin, saying it is out of their control, but honestly, it is TORMENT to think you have to be in control and always figuring everything out and looking at all the angles of every situation in fear that God will forget to show you a hidden little side to it.

It is literally peaceful to ask God to show Steve exactly what He wants us to do, and then relax in going along with that decision and not worry that it will be the wrong one.

Here’s a verse in the same chapter of Isaiah that is in stark contrast.

“Let him who walks in the dark
Who has no light,
Trust in the name of The Lord,
And rely on His God.”

That’s my motto today…
Until God shows us what we should do….I want to relax. To let go. To trust in the name of The Lord, because He promised,

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16

Dance

I woke in the middle of the night to the music and lyrics floating ceaselessly through my head,

by Steven Curtis Chapman….

“And I’ll dance, 

with Cinderella,

While she’s here in my arms,

Because I know, 

something the Prince doesn’t know.

The clock will strike midnight,

And 

she’ll 

be

gone.

And I longed to dance with my sweet little baby…

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with my one year old…

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with my little girl….

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I dream of the day that I can truly dance with her again…and see her run circles around me. My heart is so very lonely for her. When I think of not seeing her until Eternity, my brain wants to shut down and scream “NO!” 

But God has PROMISED that He will be “the Stability of my times”- Isaiah 33: 6a

 I will never forget my friend who came to my house, and danced around the living room with my little boy while I sat and held Kierra one day. She taught me how to dance with your child until the raindrops are lost in gales of childish giggles.

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It would be so wonderful if you would be kind enough to leave me a line…that you have loved up on a child today. That you have swayed and twirled and looked into their eyes. That you have told them they are precious. And loved. 

You can even attach a picture if you’d like 🙂

DANCE! Before that clock strikes midnight!

3

Easter Art

When Linda invited me over to her house today to make truffles, I had no idea how I would fall in love with eggs.
Yesterday was a tough day all the way around for me. Although it was gloriously spring, my heart was so sad. Just so sad. Sometimes I get tired of being sad. Even when I laugh and enjoy things, I am sad. Maybe someday the sadness will leave.
But then again, I want to hang onto it. Because it is a link to my daughter. I’m her Mommy. And although I knew all along she was actually God’s, she was still born from my heartbeat. And even if I know she is supremely happy and feeling better then even the healthiest person on earth, I am still her Mommy. And Mommy’s have this sixth sense that is made for their children, and when that sixth sense gets tampered with, or is empty completely, there can be a lot of sadness involved. ALOT of sadness. So don’t freak out or think you have to fix me. Sad is just part of my breathing right now. Even peaceful sadness can be relaxing, I have found.
Back to falling in love with eggs. And truffles. I wanted to learn to make truffles like Carolyn does. They are absolutely thrilling. She taught me how today. I took a kaleidoscope photo to tantalize your senses. These are the peanut butter eggs we made.

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And another angle….

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So yes, these wonderful bits of truffles were amazing! But then we did this really fun thing with hard boiled eggs. I’ll post the super simple recipe at the end…

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Doesn’t that look like so much fun! Kobe was totally in his glory! We made all kinds of marvelous marbled effects…just by dunking them in liquid!

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It’s the first time I’ve done this style of Easter eggs. I’m sure I wouldn’t have tried it on my own this year. But I am so thrilled to have these bits of beauty in my house! So thankful to Linda for having me over and handing me creativity. It’s just what I needed today.
Now…for the recipe…

Marble Easter Eggs
A dozen or more hard cooked eggs. Let them cool!
Fill three coffee mugs 2/3 full of boiling water.
Add 1 tsp. food coloring and
1 tsp. vinegar to each cup.
Let the water cool.
Add 1 tsp. vegetable oil to each mug.
Dip your cooled eggs into a mug. Lay it on a towel, and wipe it off.
Dip it into another color. Wipe dry again.
Use different layers of colors to create different effects.
The more you stir the water, the finer marbled the egg coloring will be.
Store eggs in fridge when not displayed
(although they say they never had them rot out of the fridge:)

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9

Painting Rocks For Kierra

This past weekend has marked the two months of missing our little Kierra. In one way, it seems like two years! My little human mind cannot fathom eternity, if two months here on earth have stretched this long! Friends have been so kind to us over the past few months. I’ve had plenty of things to do, and also time at home to remember and grieve and try to come to grips with our new life. Sometimes the lonesomesness and missing Kierra is so suffocating and final. I can also think of her with a peacefully feeling, though. A grand sense of freedom and release and happiness. Because she is truly free and living to her full potential right now. Her body is brand new and her spirit is released to be all she was created to be. As glorious as that is, the hard part is not knowing what that is like. Our little girl has changed and with it comes the earthly limitations on our mind that cannot grasp what she is really like now. Parents want to KNOW there children. They want to be in touch with their feelings and personality and likes and dislikes. I just can’t get my mind around what Kierra is like or what she is doing or experiencing right now. That hurts. It makes me feel shut out and lonely. I just can’t wait to meet her all over again..like a long awaited for, perfect birth. This time, we will ALL be brand new…and can love in a completion we can’t comprehend.

The other day, I had to clear my head, and Kobe needed fresh air, so we wandered down to the creek, and gathered some rocks.

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I washed them and layed on the kitchen window sill to dry. A few days later, Joanna, Crystal, and Alisha came over for the day. We were all in shock from the horrific accident that claimed the life of one of their friends.  It made us miss Kierra also, all over again.

I had just come across a great websight that explained how to crayon paint on wood, canvas, rocks, etc. So we popped the now dry rocks in the oven and  pulled out the crayons and made little memory rocks for Kierra.This was the result.

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I heated the rocks in the oven at about 200 degrees, then we drew on them with crayons. The crayons melted on the hot rocks and created a lovely kind of paint. We used water color paint and paint brushes to add more detail. Then I sprayed them with a clear sealer since I wanted to put them at her grave marker until we get a memorial stone for her.Kobe and I went over to the graveyard on a lovely spring day and placed them by her grave.

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You are my sunshine, SWEETHEART!

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fly happy, sweet one, on the wispiest of wings
.

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