Grief

Lovely Ladies and A Fairy Garden

July 20, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler2 Comments

I was surrounded by these lovely ladies on Kierra’s birthday. We had a sweet time together. Brenda brought a huge bouquet of flowers over in the morning for us since she couldn’t be there for the tea party.

She is in our ‘small group’ at church and has a wonderful green thumb. Aren’t these yellow wild flowers just beautifully vibrant! She started them from Kierra’s seeds at the funeral.

They look very much like that first lone wild flower I saw at the hospital the day Kierra entered our world, 4 years ago. Steve and I planted our flower she gifted us with at Kierra’s grave.

We ladies sat around Sadie’s wonderful dining room table and ate yummy sweet watermelon, fresh cucumbers with cream cheese and pepper jelly, and tiny cakes. We drank iced lattes and cried and talked and laughed.

The little ones had a party in the living room , while Alisha and Katrina watched that they didn’t spill and ran outside with them when they were finished.

I had been dreading this first birthday without Kierra so much. It helped to have kind friends that cared about my heart and my loneliness and loved me through it. All through the joy of celebrating her happiness and freedom in heaven was the sad heaviness of the trauma she had to go through here on earth. That hurt more than anything. There is that hopeless feeling that a parent lives with when they watch their children suffer. Life is just so cruel at times. Even if God is always good, life itself is just SO. NOT. FAIR. to those we love.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the greatest birthday gift we could have given Kierra this year, was Heaven. Once again, life doesn’t make sense. How can something that makes her so supremely, perfectly happy make us so incredible lonely and sad?

Highs and lows.

Mountains and valleys.

We cannot experience either of them fully without being willing to plunge into the other at sometime.

Christene and her sisters gave me the sweetest little pair of white dancing shoes for Kierra. They wanted to remind me that she is truly happy and dancing in heaven! Tears! I missed getting a photo of the shoes, but they truly ARE just darling!!! It blessed me so much.

I had come across these wonderful little fairy gardens on Pintrest one day awhile ago. Since our life has consisted of lots of moving, I thought it would be the PERFECT little bit of a Kierra memory. A garden so tiny, we could carry it with us over the years, and so lovely it would be like a dream come true to imagine strolling through it.The other ladies had other obligations, but Sadie and I went on a shopping spree to a nearby green house.

We had so much fun picking out adorable little chairs, and darling plants. Sadie had a big wooden bowl that we spray painted and filled with moist top soil.

Isn’t this itty bitty plant just exquisite!!!!

Kobe picked out a frog to add to it.

He had the time of his life arranging and rearranging.

We built a little patio with small rocks for the table and chairs.

Of course there had to be a pool. Kierra would have LOVED that! Water always relaxed her.

We’ve added a bit more since this photo. It looks even better now 🙂 but this at least gives you a picture of what it looks like. Just so sweet. Talk about more healing to my heart!

Sadie so kindly cooked supper for us that night and Steve came over after work to eat. It was wonderful food and we had a great time!

Afterward, Steve, Kobe, and I stooped at Kierra’s grave on the way home. We got this little girl to leave there as a reminder of how supremely happy she is.

Kobe totally fell in love with her. He called her ‘Kierra’ and couldn’t stop hugging and kissing her.

He wanted to hold her hand and sing songs to her.

We sang happy Birthday to Kierra. I think it helped Kobe feel better…and maybe me too 🙂

We couldn’t leave the little girl there since she wasn’t heavy enough to stand safely if a stray dog or big gust of wind came along, so we brought her home until we figure out a solution.

A few days later, a pink poppy bloomed from the wildflower seeds. Isn’t that just so sweet! I didn’t know there were pink poppies…maybe God had a special selection of pink poppies planned for that seed package we got for Kierra’s little sachets.

He truly WILL make ALL things beautiful…in His time!

I am hanging onto hope.

Grief

Kierra’s First Birthday in Heaven

July 17, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler7 Comments

Or maybe I should just simply say her FOURTH birthday. Some folks may think I’m in denial. Maybe I am. Because I still made a party and pretty little pink cupcakes and tissue paper pom poms. It was too sad not to. What little four year old doesn’t just count the days to her long awaited birthday?

I mean, it only comes once a year! That is FOREVER between birthdays! It’s sooo long, you may as well forget about it, because it will NEVER come again!

Those were my thoughts when I was a kid:)

The whole week last week was rather emotional for me. I went into this slightly denial mode where, like a child, I quit thinking about THE BIRTHDAY. I was tired of being sad all the time when I thought about it. So I just tried not to think about it. Isn’t that weird? It kinda worked for awhile. I stayed really busy and focused on THINGS. But I knew I would have to face it. I wanted to face it. I just didn’t feel like living in the past all week long.

Because I remembered those last long days of waiting for her. Of meeting her for the first time and looking into her face and just being amazed beyond words that God gave us such a perfect baby.

Immediately on the heals of that first perfect hour, came the trauma of life. So much trauma. I grieve for my innocence. I grieve for her innocence. For her tears and cries I did not understand. For the fight it took her to get through life. And the bitter is mixed with the sweet.

My three year old niece had a dream last week. She doesn’t usually tell her mommy about her dreams, but this one she just couldn’t keep quiet about.

She heard someone at the back door. It was KIERRA. She had come to play! She had a pink dress with a white flower in her hair. When Evy went to get a doll for Kierra to play with, Kierra RAN and beat her. She got to the doll first. Evy tried to hold Kierra, (just like she used to cuddle her) but she couldn’t because she was too big. She didn’t have any tubing on hand or nose or cheek.

I think God gave her that special little dream! I just love to think of them playing together …even if its in a dream 🙂 The next day, He sent the most beautiful rainbow in the evening sky that stayed for a very long time. I remembered, 4 years ago, standing under a rainbow in Montana dreaming of my unborn child. Longing to meet her and hold her. Wondering what she would be like and feeling like God had big plans for her. I remember my dad calling her ‘the resurrection baby’ when she was a new born. She would be laying down, when she would suddenly pop her head straight up and stared around. We had never seen a more alert, strong new born! Seriously.

I stood below the rainbow, hardly comprehending that she was a dream once again. As a wise person said…We are in the dream! They are FULLY ALIVE!!

Then her birthday dawned and I remembered weeping by her crib in the middle of the night on her first birthday.

Because she deserved so much more then I could give her that day. Because my heart was so sad for what she was missing here. Because I was a bit angry that my own dreams were broken.

On her second birthday,

I took her swimming,

and enjoyed the happy moments in her day,

and watched her sunbathe.

On her third birthday in the hospital.

The wonderful HUGE box of gifts from friends,

the party out on the terrace

and her strawberry birthday cake,

and silly hats.

I wanted to do something positive to celebrate that she was truly free and SO HAPPY on her FOURTH birthday. I wanted to throw a party. But it had to be small, because I was quite a mess and I was not into being the center of attention.

So I bought a strawberry cake mix and started mixing.

My friend, Sadie, helped me throw a party.

We arranged with The Clinic For Special Children to bring a small refreshment table into the their office for a few hours in the forenoon. It felt right to serve them refreshments on her birthday as a thank you. I think God used them to give her another (almost) two years of life for us to cherish. I also wanted the patients and parents to know they are not alone. That God has a plan for their lives.

Aw! I LOVE this place and the hard working, caring folks in it!

It was hard, being there without Kierra, but everyone was so friendly, and it was so wonderful to see their familiar faces. I even saw some pink in honor of Kierra! I wish she could have come twirling into the room to show us all how well she is.

We left the table there for a few hours while we went back to Sadie’s house and had our own little Tea party/cry fest/laughter. (more coming on that another day 🙂

I was just overwhelmed and totally blessed by all the folks who cared about her Birthday! Cards in the mail, a meal brought in for us with a ‘remembering Kierra candle’ a package from the west, beautiful bouquets, tex messages, gift cards and cash to buy something special for her grave, tex messages and I’m praying for you and care. We felt very well loved. Thank you. Each of you.

I think she felt really loved on in Heaven too!

Grief

Kobe Thoughts

July 1, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler4 Comments

We have been slowly working through the process of this thing called life. Perhaps that is why I have been rather silent the last while.

I don’t feel like I have many inspirations or burning urges that will burst if I don’t capture them in script.

Now, if I would view the world from Kobe’s eyes for a few minutes, I would have plenty to say! So here’s a peek into his life..

Mommy and Daddy decided to sell Kierra’s bed. They told me another little boy that can’t sit up and run and play really needs it. They said the little boy is a little like Kierra and his daddy is going to come pick the bed up.

I thought it was exciting at first! Daddy and the man took my bed all apart and hauled it out to the man’s red van. He seemed pretty pleased with it! His little boy was sleeping in a bed they had rigged for him. That means they had propped pillows and wedges under it so he would be more comfortable. I;m sure their little boy will love it as much as Kierra did! He even has a little two year old sister. Maybe she will be able to lay in the bed with him, just like I did with Kierra!

When it was time to go to bed later that night, there was just this big empty hole where Kierra’s bed used to be. I missed it so much, I was almost crying. I begged and begged for it to come back!

Mommy brought my old crib mattress down and made me a cozy little bed in the corner of the room. Then the best thing happened! Daddy found a Thomas Train bed on Craig’s List that he showed me. He said he would try to get it for me.

That made everything much better! I still missed Kierra’s big soft special bed, but thinking about Thomas made me feel happy inside!

Every day, I would ask about my Thomas bed. I thought it would never come! It made me grouchy. During the night, I would crawl off my crib mattress and wander over to mommy’s room, calling for her.

Last evening, as soon as Daddy came home from work we got ready to go look at the Thomas Bed! We drove for a long time! I was getting bored. I got so bored and tired that I fell asleep.

Mommy woke me up, and there was the Thomas bed , sitting in someone’s yard! I was SO excited I could hardly walk in a straight line! It was shiny and bright blue. We loaded it into the van, and paid the lady for it.

Getting home and setting it up was the best part!

Daddy had it together in no time! He even let me help!

Mommy says I was beaming! I still am!

I slept all night long without waking ONE time!!

My other favorite thing right now is my kittens! I named them Thomas and James, just like my favorite trains. I play with them every day and give them food. Sometimes they even drink out of my pool!

Sometimes we sit and rest.

Sometimes I tell them secrets.

And sometimes, I TICKLE them!

They help me not feel quite so lonely without my sister around here.

I miss bringing her things,

and cuddling with her,

and pushing her chair.

Sometimes I wrap my blanket around my shoulders and pretend I’m an angel. That makes me feel happy too! Because someday, I want to go to heaven and be with Kierra. Maybe she will take my hand and hold it tight, just like I used to do for her.