I’ve been paranoid of my keyboard. Don’t ask me why because I’m not sure myself. But I know I must type to break the power it is taunting over me.:)

We survived a year. We got through the first anniversary of Kierra’s great triumphant ushering into Heaven. I won’t pretend it was easy or pretty. I didn’t always think very kind thoughts toward my Heavenly Father. I cried some pretty big crocodile tears. But I also found peace and hope and love holding me at the end of the night.

It’s not like the night is totally over. It never will be until we live forever with the Son who is the LIGHT and there is NO NIGHT there. The night time of the soul is never my favorite part of life to grope through. But if we had no night here on earth, there would be no morning. No dawning. No fresh hope and courage and the knowledge that if God got you through this far, He has no intention of leaving you to face any darkness alone without His arms to carry you.

There were some AMAZING sunrises and sunsets in January. I will post some of the miraculous colors later. But it’s after 10 PM and I should be in bed. I just had to write a few lines to break this silent spell that is trying to take me captive. The last few days have actually been good. Steve and Kobe and I are all healthy and happy. Despite all the exciting things God has been surprising me with in my life, I still have this restless feeling. I think I’m simply homesick. For Heaven. And Kierra. And my Jesus.

I sat here tonight, curled up on our broken overstuffed chair that Kierra always used to hang out in and looked through her paintings. I was hoping it would make me feel closer to her. I was longing for one little touchable wonderful thing that was totally HER.

Like these sweet brush strokes.

They made me happy and I remembered how pleased she was to paint them. How she beamed and wiggled when Stephen complimented her on how awesome it was. But part of me was sad too. Because everything she did was through me. I helped her hold her brush. I dipped it in paint. I nudged her hand forward to swipe across the page.

And an awful lonely feeling plagued me. What had she left that that was truly her? What had she done that was JUST Kierra? I sat here, feeling lost and lonely and a bit upset at God. He had seen her first steps. Heard her first sentence. Didn’t I deserve that as a Mommy? Wasn’t she MY little girl? The one I had seen on the ultrasound, and heard her first cry? Gazed into her tiny scrunchy face? And felt my heart melt?

And it felt like there was nothing but memories left for me. Sometimes the grip of pain tries really, really hard to suck the breath clear out of the lungs.

I founds these words in her art book. And while I scripted them and drew the sun, I know without a shadow of a doubt that those are typical Kierra scribbles below.

I felt God whisper to me that I am more like Kierra then I will ever know. We all are.

“For in Him we LIVE and MOVE and have our being.”… KJV Bible

We couldn’t lift one little bitty finger or breath one whoosh of lung if it weren’t for our God. HE gives us the power and potential that carries us through our days. From when we wake to when we are asleep and all the time that morphs together between those hours. We are in His. In His total control. (And we think we have so much control over our bodies and emotions:). 🙂

HE gives us the courage and creativity to paint the canvas of our lives. HE gives us the intellect and laughter and compassion to live out our dreams. It’s all a Master piece. And while He never forces us to color in the lines, He does give us grace to allow Him to create beauty from our scribbling.

I think someday HE will make it up to us. (As if we are indebted to Him.) I can NEVER repay Him for the change and grace and forgiveness He has brought to my heart.

But honestly. I still sometimes feel a bit cheated that I never got to see my daughter fully express herself. You know what? Gods got a reason for what He does.

He never causes pain without some purpose. He does not waste tears or shrug off our grief. He has something “out of this world” beautiful in mind for you and me! He has a surprise we can’t begin to imagine. He created us exactly the way He wanted us. With our own unique longings and dreams and talents. Because we were created to glorify Him here on Earth…but ultimately , we were MADE for HEAVEN!!
And thats where we will find our deepest longings filled!!!
My little Kierra is living the dream! I can’t wait to join her!

This past weekend has marked the two months of missing our little Kierra. In one way, it seems like two years! My little human mind cannot fathom eternity, if two months here on earth have stretched this long! Friends have been so kind to us over the past few months. I’ve had plenty of things to do, and also time at home to remember and grieve and try to come to grips with our new life. Sometimes the lonesomesness and missing Kierra is so suffocating and final. I can also think of her with a peacefully feeling, though. A grand sense of freedom and release and happiness. Because she is truly free and living to her full potential right now. Her body is brand new and her spirit is released to be all she was created to be. As glorious as that is, the hard part is not knowing what that is like. Our little girl has changed and with it comes the earthly limitations on our mind that cannot grasp what she is really like now. Parents want to KNOW there children. They want to be in touch with their feelings and personality and likes and dislikes. I just can’t get my mind around what Kierra is like or what she is doing or experiencing right now. That hurts. It makes me feel shut out and lonely. I just can’t wait to meet her all over again..like a long awaited for, perfect birth. This time, we will ALL be brand new…and can love in a completion we can’t comprehend.

The other day, I had to clear my head, and Kobe needed fresh air, so we wandered down to the creek, and gathered some rocks.

I washed them and layed on the kitchen window sill to dry. A few days later, Joanna, Crystal, and Alisha came over for the day. We were all in shock from the horrific accident that claimed the life of one of their friends.  It made us miss Kierra also, all over again.

I had just come across a great websight that explained how to crayon paint on wood, canvas, rocks, etc. So we popped the now dry rocks in the oven and  pulled out the crayons and made little memory rocks for Kierra.This was the result.

I heated the rocks in the oven at about 200 degrees, then we drew on them with crayons. The crayons melted on the hot rocks and created a lovely kind of paint. We used water color paint and paint brushes to add more detail. Then I sprayed them with a clear sealer since I wanted to put them at her grave marker until we get a memorial stone for her.Kobe and I went over to the graveyard on a lovely spring day and placed them by her grave.

You are my sunshine, SWEETHEART!

fly happy, sweet one, on the wispiest of wings
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Valentines day is one of my favorite days of the year. So favorite, that I celebrate it for weeks 🙂

We received word Friday morning that Courtney Miller (9 yr) had passed away in CO. She and Kierra both were diagnosed with Yoder Dystonia. It was a hard day for me. I can’t imagine how hard it was for Jenny and Erv. Our prayers have been winged their way OFTEN!

Since i couldn’t seem to concentrate on work too well, the kiddos and i baked cookies.

 

Kobe ate enough dough for everyone. And Kierra made a special valentine for her Best Daddy!

 

 

Kierra even got flour on her toes 🙂

 

Afterward, Kobe sat beside the stove and sang to us.

 

he’s such a cheerful little guy. it does my heart good!

 

He had to have a bath after the coating of flour and cookie dough.

 

Any wonder that I’m nuts about him?:)

The fun thing about two kiddos is  snuggle time watching Old MacDonald.

 

And watching them wake up.

 

And fall asleep.

 

Today, I am thankful for the gift of life God has given us. All we can really do, is seize the moment. Cherish each other. And know that God is there. And There. And THERE. (as i point my finger at each thing that is an issue for me right now.)

He will be there. too. No matter what tomorrow brings.

Happy February! Show your loved ones and your sweet children how special they are.

because this life is only a breath.