2

August 

I love the month for so many reasons and this year, it was packed full of change and good times with friends. 

We said Goodbye to three friends and their families who are all leaving the state/country. We’re going to miss them so much, but life takes you on adventures you never dreamed on and we cheer them on with God’s blessing! 

Our friends from Pennsylvania, Merle and Sierra and their little Andre came for a few weeks also. We had so much fun with them and spent lots of time exploring Montana and reveling in nature. We were in parts of Glacier for two days and absolutely loved the stunning scenery there this time of the year. 


The mountains on top of Going To The Sun road were covered in wildflowers and the day was perfect for a little hike back toward Hidden Lake. 


I wanted to stay forever 😊 I think it’s a tiny bit of what Heaven will be like💕 

We went to Many Glacier the next day. It was windy and a bit chilly but there was a lovely super easy walk around a lake and the water shone torquoise and wild.


Stephen spotted bear on the distance mountain slope and we saw a herd of big horn sheep up close. I loved this part of Glacier with its untamed ruggedness and want to go back again and explore it some more! 

We explored a ghost town, went mini golfing, and took the four wheelers back to the Little Belts.

This was a baby walker back in the day 😀 can you imagine all the law suits we’d have today over it😂

Back roads are the best 😉


The Little Belts were beautiful as always! The smell of pine and sun and fresh breeze can’t be beat! 



When I see the vast wilderness God spread, and the intricate detail to the ferniest moss, my heart worships. He cares about all the details of our life too! The big and the glorious events and the tiniest worry we may be facing today! 

He’s got us! And if He clothes the wildflowers in all their glory, how much more will He care for us!!

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Chasing Pain 

It rained all day today. We stayed cozy and warm and relaxed. Sometimes i think God sends rain to simply force us to rest and breathe. 😊

The past month has been extremely busy and full of summer days, friends moving, and friends visiting. I’m not exactly sure what happened to August. I blinked and the nights are cooler and days shorter, leaves are tinted with the yellow green of fall and there’s a familiar aroma of pine and harvest and hunting in the air. 

In some ways, September is my favorite month of the whole year. It’s the first month, ten years ago, that I came to Montana and knew  I wanted to stay. It was like my heart had found its home. The smell of sun baked earth, morning breezes, and golden dried grass over the hills remind me of that feeling and part of me wants to rest forever in that part of my mind and part of me wants to weep. 

It’s also the time of the year that my Love and I went hunting together for the very first time. We were newlyweds and although I nearly ‘killed myself’ on that first hunt, packing 8 miles into the wilderness and running blisters on my feet and having such aching legs, I had to lift them physically out of the sleeping bag, I still long to go back to that wild wide country in Dillon and have only the sound of squirrels, the whoosh of bird wings, the drone of a bee, wind through the pines, and the anticipated bugle of elk. It’s one of the absolute favorite things My Love and I have ever done together! 

There’s an amazing paradox I’ve been contemplating. The fact that some of my favorite memories have had pain involved. The fact that most life events that stand as mile markers are surrounded with hard things. The fact that when life is smooth sailing, we can celebrate in great ways, but those events don’t brand themselves with the same clarity in my mind. It’s the events that cause physical or emotional or mental stretching that I want to relive. 

I think I’m a bit crazy even wanting to go hunting again, for instance. It’s hard hard hard work in Montana. You hike and carry heavy packs and endure cold fingers and toes and no hot showers. Fierce winds. You eat cans of soup and huddle under sleeping bags and listen for bear. And yet, being in nature compensates for it all. And the joy outweighs the pain. 


Mothers do the same when they endure 9 months of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth and think they will never do it again….until that time comes when meeting another child outweighs the discomfort that goes with it, and the joy once again, outweighs the pain. 

I think God created us that way for a reason. Humans have a capacity  in this area like no other living thing does. We are resilient. Though we may be broken and crushed; though parts of us will never be the same, God brings us to places of acceptance. Places of fierce determination that our pain will not be wasted. Places of bravery we never knew we were capable of where we run straight toward the thing that scares us the most or has hurt us the most, and we use that energy He empowers us with to face the hard and the pain and the fear and we experience life like we never imagined. 

Beauty truly is birthed through pain. 

No matter what situation you find yourself in today, my friend, know that God has a plan. That joy WILL come in the morning. That as you face the HARD of this moment, God has a place of quiet rest for you. He  will meet you there and tenderly care for your wounds and give you strength for the moment. 

And when He asks you to run toward that HARD in life, know that He’s got your back. In fact, He walks before and behind you and places His blessing on you!

His heart is always for you! 

0

Hearts At Home

I lay this morning in that quietness between sleep and fully awake and I held as still as possible and willed myself to stay there. 

I had been dreaming of my daughter, and I was holding her again. 


We were in the hospital, and she was very sick. So sick that she lay in the hospital bed, with lots of tubing and she was restless. I scooped her up, and held her, her back against my chest, her sweat little head under my chin, and she calmed down and relaxed and rested so sweetly and I wanted to sit there forever.

There was a deep deep peace in my dream and it should not have been there. When do you feel deep peace in a hospital room with a critically ill child? 

The peace I felt in my dream….I can explain it in only word. HOME.

My heart was at home. Everything else seemed to fade. And it was Kierra and I….our hearts together, and not time or death or medical intervention or white sterile rooms could destroy that peaceful feeling of HOME. 

My words are so tiny and course to describe that epiphany. 

(Epiphany : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience ) 

It reminds me of this verse: Romans 8:38,39 (caps mine)

And I am CONVINCED that NOTHING can ever separate us from Gods love. Neither DEATH nor LIFE, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today, or our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from Gods love.

No power in the sky above, or in the earth below- indeed nothing in ALL creation will EVER BE ABLE to separate us from the LOVE of GOD that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

My heart was so at rest, that I could have stayed there forever and been perfectly content. That’s the feeling I got. There was stress and hard things all around me. My husband and Kobe were very alive in my heart, but they were not Kierra and holding her at that moment in my dream made my heart feel  HOME , because that is what I had been missing so much in my life and at that precise moment, that was all that mattered. My whole body relaxed and my heart rested. It was where it was meant to be. 

I didn’t know what I had been longing for….there was a hole in my heart that I didn’t realize was affecting me in so very many different ways. It literally touched every area of my life. Like a fragrance you could not see but was all around you, every moment  of every day. An ache I knew was there, but was oblivious to the completeness it brought me when it was filled. And I never wanted to leave. 

Isn’t that the longing of our hearts for God- our Father. And that aroma an example of His grace and Love  that fills every single moment of our life. At the same time,  I can’t wait to get to Heaven and have that COMPLETENESS He has promised that we don’t even really understand that we are missing. 

I think God gave me that dream out of His loving Father heart. A picture of how it will feel when we get to Heaven and are enfolded in His loving arms. I know He is a High and Holy God and we will bow at His feet in awe and worship and adoration. But I think we will also feel like we have finally come HOME. He has not promised to be our Father for nothing….I will be their Father and they will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD ALMIGHTY.

He longs for the day when He can take our hurt, broken, earth sick hearts into His arms and make them whole. We will never want to leave His arms. He delights over us. He longs to hold us even more then we long to be held. ( how is that possible?) He knows our weakness. The pain that we cannot express to anyone. Just as my Kierra had no words to tell us of her pain…we have no words adequate to speak of our own brokenness and deepest hurts and longings. But that doesn’t matter to God. His love engulfs us. His arms surround us. His heart is for us. And someday, I want to reach out, and be embraced by the One who created me. The One who alone can make each of us whole again. Who can give us what we have no idea that we are missing. The one who shows us what Home really means….for all Eternity. 

Please understand, that Kierra is not my whole life. My Stephen, and my Kobe, and my Wee One in Heaven, my family and friends here, they all matter incredibly much. They each have a place in my heart that would leave a huge hole if they were gone. But today, I can hold my Kobe, I can hug my Stephen. I can physically reach  out and feel their love. That soothes the longing within me. I think someday, though, in that HOME, we will actually see clearly…face to face and my love for them (and all my friends and family) will take on new dimensions that I have no idea even exist today. 

And the best part…..we will be HOME as in perfect peace, never leave, stay forever, heart at rest, satisfied and loved and held. Honoring, praising , worshiping and glorifying our Father and King. 

We will NEVER want to leave. 

And there will be no waking to having it all a dream. 

We will be LIVING -ACTUALLY LIVING the DREAM!!

0

When You Get Dumped On

Sometimes life just rains on you and you have no choice but to take the drenching.
On Friday, I helped Steve on his lawn route. Our plan was to quickly whip through them and have a relaxing evening at home and leave early the next morning for Glacier for a refreshing weekend of camping.
It was raining when we woke up but the blue sky toward the east looked promising. We packed Sky and Kobe into the jeep with some snacks and toys and after a bit of tying loose ends up we got started.
The rain wouldn’t stop. In fact, it got harder. I mowed while Steve trimmed. We got wet. Very wet. But we finished that lawn and moved on to another. This time, Steve  used our smaller push mower on the wettest part of the lawn so we wouldn’t leave ruts. I used the big one on the level part. I mowed over a dead bird. It stank. And the mower clogged with wet grass. I had to stop and unclog it. Now if you’ve never unclogged a mower you are lucky. Its discusting and gross and filthy. Not to mention the dead bird. I was afraid I would encounter guts or a leg. Shivers. It was still raining.

Every time we decided to stop, the rain would slow or let up and the sun would shine in the blue sky. So we would keep mowing. And more rain would whip through. Just when I had dried off and warmed up, the heavens would open and rain would pelt again.

We thought about the fun weekend we had planned. We were already wet and dirty and it wasn’t worth stopping, so we slogged along. The mower overheatedwhen the cotton wood trees’ cotton clogged the filter. We had to blow it out. Kobe was grouchy.

By evening we were exhausted but had only one more lawn to do. It was a big one but is usually a fun mow. So we girded up the loins of our minds and got to work. I saw a huge dark cloud covering a few miles radius overhead but I thought I could quickly finish. It started to drench again and I knew I would cry if I didn’t make a joke out of it. So I pretended Kierra was in Heaven with a squirt gun, spraying me down for the third time. That helped. But a half hour later, it wasn’t funny anymore. My hands were freezing. I was soaking and the cloud looked worse. It was raining steady and cool and strong and I just wanted to be DONE. Then it rained harder and harder and suddenly i knew without a doubt that it would hail. I parked the mower and leaped off and ran as fast as my freezing wet legs would take me. By the time I got to the jeep it was pelting hail and rain and the wind was breathtaking. I launched into the front seat as the torrential downpour outdid itself by another whole new level.
Kobe and I hunkered in the back and laughed as the whole vehicle shook.

image

Because that’s all we could do. We couldn’t finish mowing since there was streams of water rushing where there had been dry ground. We went home and warmed up and slept like crazy. This morning Steve finished mowing and a bit before lunch time we left for Glacier. They say it snowed there yesterday. We are hoping for the best and that the weather truly will warm up as predicted!
It may be raining on our parade but that doesn’t mean we can’t choose joy and love the blue sky and Sunshine that’s warming the west today.
No matter what life dumps on you this weekend….your not alone! I had to apologize to my little guy last night for my impatience. Today is new and fresh and we are focusing on here and now and a road trip.  No rain storm lasts forever! There is always now to choose to trust and love and singing in the rain.

3

To Moms Of Wildflower Children

I know. You don’t want to be called out here and made to look like some freak show. You don’t really want to even have other people know you are secretly reading this. 

Because that would make you different.

That would make you special.

That would put you on this pedestal.

All you want is normal and to be treated normal.

But you also want understanding. 

Because your life is so different then you ever imagined.

Normal means nothing to you because you can’t relate. It actually makes you a bit angry. 

You  don’t even really want normal either. You just want healing.

You want genuine care. Engulfing hugs. Encouraging smiles and gestures of love.

And the scale is never balanced. 

Not that you want it to be…..because who in this life ever has a perfectly balanced life? Yeah….I know. That friend that seems to have it all together. Well, let me tell you a secret. She’s human too. She’s walking the same planet you are. Perfection will not be reached until Heavenly Eternity, so relax and refocus. You’ve got a story in life that is uniquely yours and no one else can play it out as you will. You’ve got Gods fingerprints all over your life and His engulfing love. 

I have a little story to share with you and it might get a bit messy and hard.

I was there. I was the mother of a child with multiple medical complications. We called her our Wildflower Child. She was beautiful. She was fiesty. She was anything but typical. 


This photo was taken just after her diagnosis of NCS, a genetic disorder with no cure. She was in the rare ‘ sleeping mode ‘ and slept through mostly all the different poses we tried. She was 9 moths old. 

I was naive. But that was OK. You cannot comprehend what you do not know. And God is gracious like that. Showing us through each day, meeting us where we are and leading us so gently even when life slams us face first into heartbreak.

I have so much admiration for all mommies, but Mommies of Wildflower Children are especially on my Super Hero status list. You have one of the hardest jobs given to women. 

Mommies are created with Hearts to love.

Mommies of Wildflower Children love fiercely. But love is not returned in typical ways.


I know how much it hurts to not have eye contact with your baby. I know how hard it is to hear the cooing and see the smiles from across the room but they stop as soon as you come near and talk to them.  I know how much your heart longs for little arms to reach up and ask for embrace. I know how helpless it feels when nothing quiets the wails and you feel like you have no control. I know how it feels to have someone else hear the first giggle and you wonder what you are doing wrong that the giggle didn’t come at your house. And yet, you are so happy that there was a giggle! I know how you second guess yourself and doubt your own instincts and wonder if you are a good mommy. I know how hard it is to decide if you should pursue therapy or enjoy the time you have together. I know how confusing all the IFSP questions can leave you feeling. I know how you don’t even know how you feel yourself. I know how it feels to watch your child interact better with the therapist then with you and while you are wildly glad, you also feel rejected, and that makes you feel vulnerable and ‘bad momish’ and miserable. I know how hard it is to do the therapy sessions in the thick folder left on your kitchen table. I know how easy it is to kinda stretch the truth when you report on how much home therapy you are getting done. I know you feel maxed out and sad and yet like therapy is one thing you can actually DO to help your child. 

I know about hospital days. And nights. About bossy nurses and sweet angelic ones. About Doctors that listen to you and Doctors that have other important things to fix. About feeling like you can never totally relax, because there may be a medication missed, or a dosage confused. I know how it is to watch your child with a Hawks eye for the first flush of fever or weird rash or rapid breathing. I know about ordering oxygen refills and formula and perscription refills. I know how you sit in the hospital and marvel at the night shift nurses with kids at home and wonder how they do it. How they must be so much more capable and resilient then you, who after nights of missing sleep (though you don’t give yourself that credit) collapse on the hard portable cot and don’t hear your daughter cry that night. (Just for the record, I currently work night shift and I am not nearly as exhausted as I was while being a mommy in the hospital:) I know how your child’s birthday is tattooed across your mind like drinking water. How it feels rolling off your tongue when you can’t say anything else coherently anymore. 


I know how you wonder if you can even be a regular mommy,or if you are turning into an adrenalin induced mirage of a mom. I know while you take things in stride and with grace, or helplessly fall apart and can’t seem to breathe, you never feel like you are quite enough. I know that you want to spend more time with your other kids and family and husband, but the choking noise from the bed has you grabbing for suction and everything else has no choice but to wait. 

I know you love what you do in an odd way. You hate it and you love it and you think you’re a bit crazy to feel two such powerful emotions streaming in your own body. 

I know that bond that develops. The gestures and glances and cries only you can interpret. The thrill you feel when they snuggle close and you know they feel so loved. And so are you.  (Tears)


I know how thrilled you are when a nurse or therapist connects with your child and there is that amazing feeling of having a true friend for your Mini You. 

You are your child’s voice, your child’s eyes, your child’s mobility. You are on high alert….all the time. While you sleep or wake. You are a 24 hour, 7 days a week always on call Mommy. 

You are a super hero even when you don’t feel like one. You are amazing with bleary eyes and a breaking heart. 

These words are for you, my friend. 

Be gentle with yourself. No person is perfect. Mistakes will occur. You will make a ‘bad call’. It’s OK. You may feel like the mastermind of your child’s medications and health, but you don’t have to do it alone. You have a fortitude and wisdom at your fingertips that comes from God alone. He is ultimately in charge and you can relax and rest your case and your child’s case into His hands. 

You have what it takes and you are doing a fantastic job. Gods strength is perfected in your weakness.

” For when I am weak, then He is strong.”

 Your biggest strength….the things that bless others the most and minister the most for God , can be in your weakness. Because in our weakness and brokenness, glory shines from God and that beauty outplays any we could seamlessly do ‘without trying ‘. ( we can do nothing on our own, because through Him everything was created and exists) 

Your weaknesses and strengths do not define who you are. You are defined by what God says about you. 

“I have loved you with an everlasting love.”  

(even when in your total tiredness you snap at your husband, you are not less loved by God. But I hope you apologize :) 

“A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” Job 14:5 

(you can do everything In your power to keep your child healthy, but God numbers each of our days. Our times are in His hands, and His plan is ALWAYS good.)

“For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah . 3:17 

(you can simply rest in the one who delights in you. whisper little concerns and fears to Him. He is not a distant God but has given His Spirit to minister to us and comfort us in our weakness and needs. ) 

I heard that an air control tower specialist, and a soldier in combat are two of the most highly stressful jobs a person can have. The first one has the lives of hundreds of people ‘in his hands’. The second may die with one mistake. 

I heard that a mommy of a special needs child faces the same amount of stress. I know….that life and death are in the Lord’s hands. My head knows that, but my heart is off beating in my child’s body, and that’s where the stressor lies. 

You, my Mommy friend, are stronger then you know! You are facing obsticals no one has proper words or etiquette to broach. And here I have muddied it by trying. But hear my heart through the ‘dust of cumbersome words’. I have struggled and failed and gotten up again and tried and cried and despaired in all these areas, but God has never left me. Never turned His back or thrown up His hands in despair. He steadies me with His love.

 Even when we kissed our daughter for the last time and she ran to Jesus….He still steadied us. 

I know how hard it is to follow my own well meant advice, but  please…..

Take a break. Breathe fresh air. Take time to cry. Laugh out loud. Allow yourself to be silly. Find your own blue sky every day. Give yourself some slack. Gentle your thoughts and words. Get some rest. Accept help. Keep your marriage a priority. And of course….have conversations with God ( even when they feel like one sided rants).

And always remember….when you have God….you have what it takes. No matter how insufficient you may seem. 

Beauty thrives in hard places!



Even the devastating fire cannot destroy the brave wildflowers.

Because our God is a God of miracles and He is shaping “a diamond out of dust” as the beautiful song goes…
Diamonds
Hawk Nelson

Here and now I’m in the fire, in above my head
Being held under the pressure, don’t know what will be left

But it’s here in the ashes

I’m finding treasure
He’s making diamonds

Making diamonds

He’s making diamonds out of dust

He is refining

And in his timing

He’s making diamonds out of us
I’ll surrender to the power of being crushed by love

‘Til the beauty that was hidden isn’t covered up

It’s not what I hoped for

It’s something much better
Oh The Joy of the Lord

It will be my strength

When the pressure is on

He’s making Diamonds
I won’t be afraid to shine

I won’t be afraid to shine

I won’t be afraid to shine
‘Cuz He’s making diamonds out of dust

Making diamonds out of us

2

The Mountain Cemetery 

We went to the mountains recently one Sunday afternoon. Since we moved to Great Falls last fall, the closest mountains are The Little Belt Mountains. They are known for their great ATV trails and they are certainly a gem! We had only been there once before and access to the spot we wanted to explore is unmarked, so we went in hopes of finding it and also stumbling into more serendipity. 

We found it, our surprise for the day, on the outskirts of Neihart, MT, a small town that last had a gigantic census of 51. Although it wasn’t what we imagined discovering, it was delightful and amazing and a bit heart breaking. An old cemetery interwoven across  a hillside of pine trees. 


Some of the stones were reset with newer versions and some were old original slabs of wood. The  gentle whisper of wind through the pines and the burble of water in the nearby stream spread a restful sensation over the graves. I felt the presence of God as we wandered through the scattering. I wandered how many hearts broke here. How many gallons of tears were cried, or if the folks back then were stoic and calm. 

This mother buried two of her children. They were only 5 and 6 years old and died the same day.


Another family plot had three children buried. I wondered if the two boys died of an epidemic in a hard  winter. 


Then there were these amazing plots that made you pause in reverence and respect. Somebody loved these people. Somebody grieved their death. Somebody erected a fence to mark their resting and memory here on earth.


Though overgrown with brush and weeds, love still shone through the years of weathered boards.


I wonder if this lady was a pioneer in her day. She must have been very courageous and brave.


And this stone….since I couldn’t put flowers at my little girls grave for Mother’s Day, I placed some here. Imagine my heart feeling so hugged when a friend in Pennsylvania placed some at my own daughters grave! Elsie and Kierra were born a day apart in July, but in two different centuries. Isn’t that amazing!? I mean….God just blows me away with His little love notes He drops my way!


  

 Perhaps God let them meet in heaven on that Mother’s Day Sunday. I like to think so.


So many of the graves were babies and young children. It was astonishing to me. Even teenagers and thirty year olds were not uncommon. It was a hard life they lived….these brave people that carved their mark into the history of Montana. There were two stones that seemed to sum it up for every one.


We saw the most glorious sun works on the way home and it reminds me of the song…” The hills are alive with the sound of music…” And I could nearly hear the joy of spring bursting from the green country side. 


It was a wonderful day, and heaven felt a bit closer. Kobe was totally overjoyed with his first roasted marshmallow of the season and I felt refreshed in body and spirit!


Heaven opened and shone us some love. Thank you, my Jesus! Give Kierra an extra hug for me tonight! 

5

Mother’s Day and Grief

“Let us then with confidence 

Draw near to the throne of grace

That we may recieve mercy 

And find grace  to help 

In time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

Sometimes life comes at you like a train wreck and you feel an inevitable collision headed straight for your heart. Time marches on and has no mindfulness of stepping aside and tiptoeing around pain. So I am learning to tip toe.

Mother’s Day is just a few days away and I have had a rough week to be totally honest. This past week has been full of exceptionally wonderful times even as I slug through emotional lows and grief. I strained an arm muscle last week and it has been a nagging ache ever since, my shoulders hurt from doing a rock job that I plan to write about later since I learned some really valuable lessons, working in dirt and rocks for hours on my knees, I have bruises on my legs from unidentifiable times and while I was cleaning up the back yard, I backed into an ugly,nasty ,sharp tree branch that was waiting to be turned into fire wood. My wheelbarrow load of extremely heavy soil and weeds tipped over and took me with it. I have nasty scratches on my legs that sting. I was baking huckleberry scones and the parchment paper slid off the pan into the 450 degree oven and I burned every finger down to the phalanges. Well, not quite🙂  my four year old had meltdowns for strange reasons this week and he ate dates out of a bulk food bin at the store. He has an abscess in his mouth and hid behind me, jumping away from my hands when ever I tried to catch him in the Dr. office. 

Physically I was a wreck. My hormones were screaming at me. My muscles ached and my bones were ‘like water’….-(King David). I was so cold and I couldn’t get warm. This seemed to drag on all week long. Not a pretty picture for Mother’s Day. 

But there was a saving grace. I felt God near. I had dinner with a friend who spoke words of life and prayed for me. I got a hug from a beautiful soul I had never met before. She put her arms around me and held me while I cried because I missed Kierra so very much. I had little messages of Gods love and grace sprinkled through every day. I felt so very loved and blessed, while I felt so weak and helpless.

Grief is tricky and you can’t always predict what  will trigger an emotion or a memory. But you can learn to slow down. To breathe. To tip toe. To take time to acknowledge how you are feeling. To be OK with that feeling. I am learning to take that emotion to Jesus. Just telling Him, “I don’t know why I’m feeling like this right now, but I am. I need You!” takes the pressure off myself and my feeble attempts to analyze and fix myself. I can never fix myself but My Father has the perfect solution to every single thing I face. So I rest my case in His love.

For years, I struggled with accepting compliments. To often there was a barrier in my mind like a 10 ft wall, 3 foot thick. I deflected words of kindness and compliments. I turned my mind into denial mode. Instead of allowing encouraging words to bless me and build me up,  I chose to look at my faults and short comings by adding thoughts in my mind like, “if you only knew…” Somehow, in a weird way, I think I was trying to be the be the perfect Mommy in order to fill in the aching gaps in my life. Human perfection and striving can never fill in the gaps. Only God’s grace, acceptance of life, and acknowledging Truth will filter light into those dark spaces. Genuine, beautiful LIGHT! 

Negative thoughts are always destructive. 

“I am not enough.”

“I am such a mess. No one knows how I act under pressure at home.”

” I will never be good enough.”

Those words are all so starkly true, and I came to the place that I realized my total brokenness and dependance on God. But. His grace and love and forgiveness came in and took that sin away. To continue thinking negatively and constantly refusing to accept words of life and blessing, causes patterns of more grief and confusions. That kind of grief is so wearying and wearing that no mommy can stand under it. 

This Mothers Day I want to celebrate the good God has placed in me. I want to thank every one of my friends for telling me that I was a good Mommy to Kierra. That I am a good Mommy to Kobe. I want to embrace the beauty God has placed in me. The love He has redeemed me with that calls me His daughter. His bride. I want to rest in the hands of the One who created my Mommy heart. I want to revel in how very loved I am. How I was fashioned and born from the heart of God. 

A Mother’s heart hangs onto impossible hope. 

It bleeds compassion. 

It smiles and laughs for the sake of the children when it wants to howl at the cold unfair world.

It gives when it is inconveniate and exhausted…

Because it is born out of the heart of God.

Birthed with struggle.

Birthed from pain. 

Birthed for beauty.

It is a strong heart that stretches down to the depths of earthly hell, physical death, gut wrenching heartache, and it rises to eternal hope and the realms of heavenly beauty.

It is bigger then us. 

Because it is born from the heart of God. 

We can’t control it.

We can’t understand it.

We can’t always follow it.

But we can GIVE it. 

It is created for Gods glory.

And it is beautiful.

“For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory.  

All glory to Him forever!” Romans 11

No matter what situation you find yourself in this Mother’s Day, I want to ask you to simply BELIEVE!

Believe that you are loved. Beautiful. Gifted for your task. Cradled in God’s arms. He hasn’t forgotten you or overlooked your pain. He sees your struggle. You can simply rest in Him. He will fill in the hard places. He delights in you and accepts you right now, just the way you are. 

If you knew….really knew how MUCH God loves you, your insecurities would fade away. He loves you the most….because He is divine like that. 

Live like you are loved like crazy. Because you are!

And all through the day, tell Jesus how much you love Him!