So maybe I’m repeating myself.
But when your husband brings you flowers on a cold wintery day…(he is THE BEST!)
And a friend stops by to give you a hug and make sure you are ok…
And you had just minutes before been sitting,watching a “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” music clip and tears were stealing down your face as you felt the loss this world has portioned out into your plate.
Well, I just had to share a tiny bit of heart here. Because right now I feel like I’m eating a big bite of unsalted undercooked Lima beans.
Gritty. Tough. Just yuck.
It’s rather awful because I have so much good going for me-gifted from my Father.
I seem to forget that big fat steaming fresh doughnut waiting at my elbow with the equally tantalizing coffee.
The cold Limas consume me.
I forget the joy and blessings life has served me when I get so focused on the loss.
You have a loss too. I just know you do. A broken promise. A dysfunctional family. A traumatic childhood. A great heartache. A love that is so big and strong it aches for the hurt of those in your life.
For me, it’s the loss of my dreams of a perfectly healthy baby girl. Way back over three years ago. The trauma of a screaming infant. The ‘temporary’ of our lives and the expected unexpected in her life. Missing out on lots of Kobe’s baby days because our daughter needed us. Hurting when she hurt physically and grieving for the joys she could never experience in this life. Being her voice and advocate and cheerleader. Watching and holding our breath over her development and lack of coordination and strange movements. When we just wanted to enjoy her and have a happy carefree life. The last years have taken more out of me then I understand. I feel robbed. Cheated. And underneath that I feel selfish for feeling robbed when it was my daughter that had to suffer. But she was part of us. What hurt her hurt us, and I’m back to the age old wondering of what God is actually working to accomplish here in this mess that is called grief and disappointment.
But I cringe at my own words. Because while they are true on one awful level, they are also totally counteracted on the next. And the pain becomes tremendous gain. I have been given a priceless gift to be the Mommy of an angel daughter. Our little girl made me look at life through a totally different window. She brought so much beauty through the pain. So much peace through the tears. So much love to our Kobe. So much Kierra to our lives. So much courage in a messed up world. I am more certain of guardian angels that stand beside our children then I ever was in my life. I ache for her and her amazing beauty. Her radiant smile.
I sat and held Kobe as he tried to open his tired sleepy naptime eyes and I knew without a shadow what I needed to do.
Focus on the gain
Instead of the pain.
I have so very very many blessings. A wonderful husband. A darling three year old. Friends. And all the things that make me comfy in life. I choose to thank God for that.
Joy is a choice.
I choose it for my heart….and pray that it reaches my eyes.
So my friend….
Life is all about perspective. Focus. What we choose to dwell on until it becomes our identity. While I never want to lose that ‘Kierra part of me’, I also need to let go of the hurt and let the beauty we were so extremely blessed with for three and a half years fill my days and change my perspective.