Finding Yourself

How To Find What You Really Want This Christmas

It’s December and the stores are LOADED here in America with gorgeousness and yumminess and toys and truly amazing smart gadgets. We open our phones and scroll through deep discount deals and ways to donate and support others this season.

It’s called ‘the most wonderful time of the year and I’m not sure if it’s truly wonderful or just plain overwhelming.

There are so many reasons to buy so many things. We can legitimize every one of them it seems. “Just because” is totally legit to me, in case you were wondering.

This Christmas I see the STUFF all around me and while part of me wants to revel in the buying of the season, the other part of me is content to sniff a candle, stroke a soft blanket, page through an amazing book, appreciate the gorgeous rows of pomegranates and oranges and then leave them in the store for another guest.

I’ve had a rather rocky relationship with money in the past. I would often purchase something because it was on sale, because it was my size, because it fit with what was expected of me, because I thought I just HAD to have it, or because I thought I should want it.

I also have a huge giving heart. I’d give my coat away if it would help someone. Some say it’s commendable and others say it’s stupid so before we fall into either category, can I just take a moment and sip my tea and ask you to look deep inside yourself?

Way down deep past all the thoughts that just now popped up in your head.

Take a moment to sip your own tea and reflect a bit.

Imagine that ‘One’ (or one hundred) thing you want right now.

Ask yourself a few questions.

Is this a feeling of ‘want’ that will pass?

Is it a need?

Is it making you feel guilty?

Irritable?

Dissatisfied?

Look a bit deeper.

Perhaps, there’s another whole level to this ‘One’ thing.

Perhaps this ‘One Want’ is actually stemming from another place altogether.

Is your actual ‘Want’ stemming from a relationship you long would be in a better place?

Is your ‘Want’ actually a wish to be understood or supported?

Is it to feel better about yourself as a person?

Is it to appear successful or ‘together’?

Is it because you were denied so much in former years?

Is it because you miss someone and want to have something RIGHT NOW to get your attention off the pain of missing them?

There is no right or wrong answer here.

Do not judge your emotions or thoughts.

Let them come. Sit with them. Give them grace.

When we judge ourself for wanting something, we hinder our self growth.

It doesn’t mean you need to act on your impulses to buy something, it just means that you give yourself a hug and admit to yourself the real reason behind the longing inside. Then decide if you still need to purchase it. Sometimes admitting the reason behind the longing is all our brain needs of us.

There’s always multiple sides to everything in life and one of them right here is that everyone’s spending will look different. Priorities are personal. That’s OK!

There’s a freedom to spending money though.

The better you get to know yourself~

The true authentic you~

The better you will get at spending money on things that REALLY truly enhance your life.

When you KNOW where your identity lies. When you KNOW who you are, you don’t need to buy anything to prove it or discover it. You buy something to ENHANCE it. And that’s a good thing!

There are three categorizes I like to think about before I buy something:

+ it needs to sustain me

+ it needs to bring me Genuine joy or enhance my life.

+ it needs to Bless (TRULY BLESS) someone else

That means if a coffee and croissant is what I need to sustain me at this time, then I’m going to get myself one!

If I’m buying something for someone else to make myself feel good more then to bless them, I need to hold off on that buying. I need to check my heart and perhaps connect with that person to see how I can bless them best.

Perhaps it would do me more good to sign up for an online class or coaching instead of buying that new set of kitchen knives.

Let your mind explore your options.

Knowing who you are takes the stress and guess out of so many purchases.

Knowing who you are narrows your wardrobe. My style in dressing is largely simple comfort and pretty colors. If clothes are stiff, cuffed, frilly, narrow, boring or ugly, (to my eyes) I pass them by. Find your style of clothing and go with it. Switching it up later is perfectly acceptable. Just find what fits you now!

Knowing who you are narrows your home decor. What’s important to me is special paintings or photos of my loved ones, a special item to remind me of a dream I’m working toward, candles or twinkly lights, a cozy blanket, soulful music, stacks of good books, and colors that collaborate. Does your home feel like you or something your mother decorated? Make it YOU! If nothing else, make ONE corner you. Buy what matters to you and leave the rest!

Knowing who you are narrows your bookshelf. I literally cringe when I write this because I adore books and supporting authors. I’ve learned the hard way in this one though. Piles of books doesn’t mean I’m going to enjoy them. It does mean BOXES of HEAVY if we move. I’ll admit, I have some books because of their cover. I have some books because of their message. I have some books because of their author. Knowing who you are helps you pass up books that you know you won’t really enjoy even if they are popular.

Knowing who you are helps you decide if a gym membership is truly worthwhile for you. It helps you decide if you really need a new computer or if you are just fine with your smart phone. It helps you decide if you need to invest in a part time sitter so you can follow your calling or if you want to BE the sitter to bless others.

Knowing who you are gives you the freedom to buy those roller skates because you loved skating in childhood. It allows you to treat yourself to a day of rock climbing or a spa day or visiting a museum. Not because you should, but because you Chose to. Because it makes you feel ALIVE.

Sometimes we need to wade through a whole lot of trial and error to get to know what really brings us joy, but never stop trying my friend!

Stop buying what you think you SHOULD be wanting and look a little deeper at what you really TRULY want.

You’ll be amazed at how freeing it is to realize the rolling pin isn’t for you even if you were raised in a kitchen.

I’m working on this whole thing of NOT buying all the ‘should gets’ and focusing on what would literally set my heart into a symphony of emotion and awe. Or what would feel like an old familiar hug.

Last year I sold my kitchen mixer and bought a kayak. It was a personal choice that I don’t regret!

It’s a twisty road for sure and it will never be all straight and orderly for me, but I’m not going to stop discovering new concepts as I go ….and enjoying the view.

One more thing….buying well means listening to others well. When you ask others what THEY want, be ok with buying them a rolling pin if that’s their thing. Be ok with giving them a very -no -strings -attached -impersonal gift card if that’s how they roll.

Listen well…not only to yourself but to others also.

I’d love to hear what items make you happy!

Healing Heart

Chasing 2 AM

It was 2 AM and my toddler was crying out in his sleep, thrashing his body around desperately.

I comforted him the best I could and he calmed down.

But I?

I was hit with a memory. It washed over me with intense clarity and I lay there in bed, my insides falling out all over again.

My leg began to ache in the exact spot it had ached way back in my childhood when I thought I had growing pains.

Only this time, I’m 30 something and growing pains happen to me heart, not my leg. So they must be connected.

I knew what I had to do. Wide awake and heart pounding, I pushed blankets and pillows around my toddler so he wouldn’t roll out of bed. Shivering and weak, I carefully made my way downstairs.

I put water on for tea.

I was shaking in the stillness and the fear that this memory clenched my heart and body in. It was strange because the memory was an emotional one more then a physical one. They are entwined.

Brew the tea. Make it Lemon Balm and Lavender. It aids relaxation. It promotes calm.

I curled up with a blanket and my pen and notebook and I let it out.

This time, I wasn’t going to force myself back to sleep. This time I wasn’t going to pretend it was nothing. To shame myself into believing that my reaction was overkill.

This time I explored it and I chased it down and although I don’t have all the answers, I found peace. I found release. I gave myself a hug instead of criticism. I gave the other person grace instead of resentment.

I found forgiveness and I gave forgiveness.

The pain in my leg is nearly gone.

My second cup of tea is steeping.

I sit in sweet silence after my fear and ravaging and I eat a piece of pumpkin cake. Slowly. Intentionally. The flavor of cinnamon and cream cheese and the dense steady texture of baked pumpkin.

I feel like perhaps this was the remembrance that Jesus spoke of when he asked us to partake of his bread and body. The love and nourishment He meant for us to receive.

Broken for me. Broken for you.

Communion with The Divine comes in different forms.

I choose to thank and embrace and be loved. To feel held and cherished with every bite of pumpkin cake.

With sips of warm, comforting tea.

Everyday cutlery. Every day food.

Partake slowly and know that you are connected to life and love and nourishment.

You are connected to the Divine.