Our Ascension Day

Yesterday was Ascension Day. The day that is observed as Jesus’ return to Heaven. I can just imagine the triumphant entry He made. The grand celebration that is still in full swing.
To the friends He left behind, I’m sure this day was a bit less glorious. The Promise Jesus left with them is still for us today, though! He WILL return for His children! That day can’t come soon enough for this family!:)
Yesterday, since Steve had off work, we loaded the van with supplies, and spent the day over at Kierra’s grave, pouring the footer for her headstone.
It took us much longer then we planned, due to the misty weather that popped up in the afternoon.


The ground was nice and moist from the recent rain. We dug and dug until the hole was 30 inches deep. Then we took a break at McDonalds and picked up concrete mix at Home Depot. It took 17 bags of 80 lb mix!! I was absolutely amazed! I had no idea that smallish headstones can require that big of a footer. Steve did an amazing job!

We mixed and hauled and scraped and mixed. It wasn’t really suppose to rain according to Accuweather, but of course it did as soon as we began pouring and mixing concrete.
Perhaps the heavens were weeping with our hearts, remembering that only 4 months ago, we said Goodbye. It seems much longer then that! Amazingly, it felt rather good to actually be DOING something in honor of Kierra. Our little family…together in hearts if not in persons.
We waited in the van while it misted over our plastic covered slab of concrete. Kobe thought it was quite adventurous and made ramps out of the dashboard for his trucks.
After lots of edging and smoothing we called it good enough and loaded up to head home.
That was our day yesterday. Full of conversation, misty rain, cold toes, digging, mixing, dumping…and home to hot coffee and popcorn.

Kierra’s spot is way down in the right hand corner under the spreading tree.

Healing Heart

When Part Of Heaven Lives In Us


We spent a day in Maryland recently. It’s always so good to be with family. Nothing on earth can replace family ties. It was the first we were back since the funeral. The last time we visited was over Christmas, and Kierra was not feeling well at all. I’m still so glad we went that one last time in December! She got cuddled and held and rocked alot that day!

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We almost went to the ER on the way home with her, but she seemed to rally again. After we got home, she spent alot of time in her delightful bed. She LOVED that bed, and her new bed set.Even if it was a bit big πŸ™‚

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I wasn’t planning on all these pictures, but I miss her so much, I just had to post them again πŸ™‚ Please bear with me…

On this trip to Maryland, we had no Β Kierra to take with us, and while we missed her so much, there were sweet times, and little reminders of her all around us. She was in our hearts, so she couldn’t be too far away!

Meghan (my newest niece) had grown delightfully since I saw her last. She is a darling, squishable, blondie and looked like a peach in one of Kierra’s baby dresses!


I took some extra oxygen tubing and feeding tube extensions along for my nieces. They LOVE to play ‘Kierra’ with their dolls. They had their bed turned into a hospital in no time. They propped pillows their babies, dressed in Kierra’s outgrown clothes. Taped the extensions to their bellies, and had the time of their lives.



They had to even give them breathing treatments πŸ™‚ with lots of little on lookers.


And give them bolus feeds πŸ™‚


I even had fun. Opening the tubing, inserting the syringe, and feeding the babies πŸ™‚ Something about flipping that clamp open felt so good again.

I remember sharing a hospital room with a patient who was in overnight, recovering from a minor surgery. The mom told the nurse that her daughter’s oxygen was still on. Being bored and maybe a bit nosy :), I peeked over on their side since our curtains weren’t shut. The child had no oxygen tubing on whatsoever. She only had the little pulse ox. monitor with that little red light attached yet. Yep, it was my amusement for the day! But seriously, I may have been in the same shoes years ago. If you never step foot into the medical world, you have no idea what simple oxygen tubing is.

Kierra gave my nieces more then happy cousin memories. She gave them a bit of medical knowledge as well. Maybe they can use it to bless another little child some day.

When part of Heaven lives in our hearts, it changes everything.

this earth gets very lonely.


sometimes nature is your best companion.


but when being with people is too much to bear, their love still burns in your heart.


Eventually, the sun bursts through, and God opens a window to heaven.


All we can do is worship our Loving Creator.Savior. Father.

He listens to our hearts. And hears our silent prayers when words aren’t enough.

I captured Kobe in a prayer outside.


He had just fallen and bumped his knee when I heard him whisper,all bent over, “Pray God. Make Kobe’s knee, ouchie……”(mumble incomprehensible words for this mommy) “Amen!”

and he jumped up and took off playing again.


I’m sure God understood him. Just as He understands my mixed up words at times.

Approach His throne BOLDLY, my friends! He is No Small God! And our stresses and heartaches do not overwhelm Him.




I made it.
My first Mother’s Day without Kierra. Last year, we were just fresh out of a hospital stay, and we drove to Deleware for a tiny day trip at the bay.

Yesterday, we had a great day with my family in MD. I have quite a few nieces that are older and younger then Kierra, so I had lots of little girls to love up.

It just didn’t fill the Kierra hole though. One of the things that amaze me with this whole grief process is how it effects every area of my life. Some of it is just sad. Some of it is sweet. And some of it is ugly.

I was feeling angry this morning when I woke up. Just angry and irritated and grouchy. I HATE waking up with that feeling! Anyone else with me?

I wanted to be sweet and enjoy the pampering my wonderful guy gave me. I DID enjoy it! But I had to just be quiet and soak it in so I wouldn’t say hurtful things that I totally didn’t mean or want to say.

I couldn’t even really put a finger on why I was feeling angry, but I did know that when Kobe woke at 6 AM and was speaking in his loud voice in the tender hours of dawn, I wanted to shake him.

And here it was MOTHERS DAY!

For some reason, I think of Mother’s Day as everyone smiling and these sweet, gracious Mothers with their children beaming in adoration around them.

I was a far cry from that today….and part of me was angry because I felt not to only robbed of Kierra, but also robbed of enjoying and basking in Kobe.
And that’s what I mean by the grief thing affecting so many different areas in life.

It makes you want to cry when you see a parade for Make A Wish Children, and you know that your child didn’t live long enough to even make a wish.
(These are drive by shots…so apologies about the blurring)



There were miles of onlookers scattered over the countryside, waving happily at the fire trucks and semi trucks and big wheels. Many of the fire trucks had a Make A Wish Child on board.

It reminds me that we are not alone in this journey.

Memories crowd in when I see dandelions, or deep bath tubs, or parasols.

I am weary. Bone weary. Head spinning weary. Blurry eyed, not making sense weary. Panicky about the future. Impatient with God. Don’t jump on me ONE more time, Kobe, weary. It is the end of the day. And I didn’t even do anything. Except enjoy my little family and miss Kierra.

Just so I don’t leave you all feeling like my day was rotten…let me assure you I had lots of good moments too!!
Like wonderful hugs and love from this little charmer…

And good conversation, consideration, compliments, and love from my dearest…


The sun even shone gloriously and we sat on our back yard and soaked in vitamin D…and walked to the creek.

Today was actually a very typical Mom day. A day totally entwined with
melt my heart, fuzzy moments, Moments
This is NOT my child moments,
I want to scream moments,
now I am laughing moments,
tear filled eyes, heartsore moments,
I am supremely blessed moments.
Giggly two year old moments.
Wondering if there is Mothers Day in Heaven Moments

This is life….muddying through the trenches ….
And finding amazing beauty all around you.

Only God could come up with something that incredible!