Moments

I made it.
My first Mother’s Day without Kierra. Last year, we were just fresh out of a hospital stay, and we drove to Deleware for a tiny day trip at the bay.

Yesterday, we had a great day with my family in MD. I have quite a few nieces that are older and younger then Kierra, so I had lots of little girls to love up.

It just didn’t fill the Kierra hole though. One of the things that amaze me with this whole grief process is how it effects every area of my life. Some of it is just sad. Some of it is sweet. And some of it is ugly.

I was feeling angry this morning when I woke up. Just angry and irritated and grouchy. I HATE waking up with that feeling! Anyone else with me?

I wanted to be sweet and enjoy the pampering my wonderful guy gave me. I DID enjoy it! But I had to just be quiet and soak it in so I wouldn’t say hurtful things that I totally didn’t mean or want to say.

I couldn’t even really put a finger on why I was feeling angry, but I did know that when Kobe woke at 6 AM and was speaking in his loud voice in the tender hours of dawn, I wanted to shake him.

And here it was MOTHERS DAY!

For some reason, I think of Mother’s Day as everyone smiling and these sweet, gracious Mothers with their children beaming in adoration around them.

I was a far cry from that today….and part of me was angry because I felt not to only robbed of Kierra, but also robbed of enjoying and basking in Kobe.
And that’s what I mean by the grief thing affecting so many different areas in life.

It makes you want to cry when you see a parade for Make A Wish Children, and you know that your child didn’t live long enough to even make a wish.
(These are drive by shots…so apologies about the blurring)

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There were miles of onlookers scattered over the countryside, waving happily at the fire trucks and semi trucks and big wheels. Many of the fire trucks had a Make A Wish Child on board.

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It reminds me that we are not alone in this journey.

Memories crowd in when I see dandelions, or deep bath tubs, or parasols.

I am weary. Bone weary. Head spinning weary. Blurry eyed, not making sense weary. Panicky about the future. Impatient with God. Don’t jump on me ONE more time, Kobe, weary. It is the end of the day. And I didn’t even do anything. Except enjoy my little family and miss Kierra.

Just so I don’t leave you all feeling like my day was rotten…let me assure you I had lots of good moments too!!
Like wonderful hugs and love from this little charmer…

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And good conversation, consideration, compliments, and love from my dearest…

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The sun even shone gloriously and we sat on our back yard and soaked in vitamin D…and walked to the creek.

Today was actually a very typical Mom day. A day totally entwined with
melt my heart, fuzzy moments,
you.have.got.to.be.kidding. Moments
This is NOT my child moments,
I want to scream moments,
now I am laughing moments,
tear filled eyes, heartsore moments,
I am supremely blessed moments.
Giggly two year old moments.
Wondering if there is Mothers Day in Heaven Moments

This is life….muddying through the trenches ….
And finding amazing beauty all around you.

Only God could come up with something that incredible!

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7 thoughts on “Moments

  1. Oh, Anita!!!!!! ….. So open, honest and wonderfully you! I just want to hug you tight and take some of that hurt, frustrations and pain for you, but I know I can’t. I love every bit of the real you coming through in this post (which is so beautifully written!) . I love every bit of your beautiful mommy heart! Hugs, dear girl!

  2. I was thinking of you today and now I know better how to pray! Im sorry I didn’t text like I was planning to. I’m sure all the neices did not fill the void

  3. You make me cry. If I was there I would give you a great big hug. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable, bleeding heart with us. I also, never imagined that this day can be painful, instead of the beautiful, happy, imagined one of my childhood.
    May God hold you in His arms as you sob tears and ache for your little girl.

  4. I just want to reach out and give you a BIG hug!! I want to say I understand, and I don’t really–because I’ve never been there, but there are parts of me that so GET this. The anger about loss and how it affects life and keeps us from embracing life the way we want to, but also the mix of good that helps us remember that joy is worth fighting for. You are doing so well, and you have a beautiful spirit. Love~

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