Who AM I?

It’s when the moon sets all smoky orange and surrounded with darkness.

It’s when the yellow butterfly that has been swooping by my window all month flutters through the sprinkling water.

It’s when the wind blows just so.

When the wire fan whirls over Kobe. And he insists on having it turned on. 

(Just like his sister used to. I can still hear her whining in her bed until we turned her fan on at night for her. 😉

It’s when the rain comes and the fragrance of  green permeates the air.

Its when my Steve turns toward me and smiles on purpose.

It’s when my little Kobe spontaneously says ” You’re cute. Would you be my best friend?” 

 (From his car seat in the back of the dark car at 10:00 PM.)

I catch snatches of Kierra and hang onto the love.

It’s when the miles of clouds have such glittering bursts of gold streaked all around them and through them that I can barely breathe. 

When there is sunset all around you in a big circle of sky and clouds and space and every direction has a different splash of color.

It’s when the light and love of His beauty shines through my fear and I can scarcely see for the GLORY He has in store for me. For the blessings He pours out on me. For the gifts He gives me. For the grace that enfolds me. Empowers me.

 Every. Single. Moment. Every. Single.Day. 

I catch a tiny glimpse of my Jesus and His wonderful love.

He created each of us. In His image. No matter what you think you are or are not. 

Child of God,  You are HIS! 

Redeemed. Newly Created. Free.

I am  believing that. I am not who I used to be. I can let go of the past and the mistakes and the fear and the harsh judgment I held myself to. I can leave the keeping of my soul in My Savior’s hand who loves me totally. 

I am new.

I have struggled most of my life with feeling like a failure. With never being good enough. With being ‘a joke’ . Perhaps, being a typical middle child, I never thought I was taken seriously or listened to. I embraced the concept that I could never have a good idea. Or measure up to expectations. That I was a loose cannon ball and everyone was using their arsenal of technics to keep me from misfiring. And so I grew up with a very undecided mind of who I was. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. “Wishy washy. Wild child.” From saving babies in foreign countries to being a veterinary, I swung into any new thought with abandon. I had almost no self esteem. Desperate for acceptance, I agreed with nearly everyone and could scarcely form even the smallest decisions on my own. Which made me feel more unstable then ever. 

Over the past years….the question still haunts me. Who Am I?

In the moments of “Aw. Yes!” When I see character traits of my Kierra…of my Kobe …my Steve…and my Heavenly Father. ….

And it is So Genuine THEM ,

 I realize again that I am me. I am unique. Genuine. Created by God with a specific purpose and DNA  that is truly me.  

(And my friend, YOU are YOU. Unique. Loved  🙂 

Perhaps it will be a life long struggle. Who I am today is not who I may be in 10 years for now. 

But although  our past will always be part of us here on earth, it does not need to define us. 

I chose to believe the strongest, simplest, truth. 

I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

A daughter of  the King. 

Loved by Jesus. 

I choose to embrace the freedom and grace of a new identity. To truly believe the things in the past cannot mess with my mind and make me a life long failure. 

It’s so much easier to say then to actually embrace and  believe. I need to choose over and over to rein my thoughts in and come back to TRUTH. And sometimes I get all caught up in those ‘failure, self achieving ‘ web of lies all over again.

But today, my friend, live like a Child dearly loved by the King.

Let yourself feel His love.

His delight.

Exactly where you are…

In the messy 

Or the barren

The spartan 

Or the full.

The Searching.

Or the finding.

  
You are held and loved.