Two years ago we were hanging onto the moments we had of life with our sweet daughter.  Two years ago I thought life couldn’t be much more perfect if Kierra would just feel well and not die. Two years ago, we lived in a little apartment on the end of an old farmhouse built in the 1700s. Two years ago we were so engrossed with feeding tubes and belly issues and keeping the 14 medications ordered and keeping Kierra comfy and chasing after a funny 2 year old.

We didn’t worry very much about what we ate or if our clothes matched or if the windows were clean. We heard snatches of what was happening in the world around us but mostly we were focused on getting through the day without a trip to the Doctor. Or even just a call.

We reveled on family time and going to bed before 10:30 and any little outing we could snag. We thought a whole night of uninterrupted sleep was worth a million bucks. (Well, I still kinda think it is:) somehow being a mommy has totally eradicated sleeping an entire night without waking)

We were doing our best to embrace the unexpected life God had given us. While I stumbled and fell and had one mess of a heart and mind sometimes, I also absolutely LOVED being a Mommy to my two Littles. I loved being a wife to my Big Guy. I didn’t nearly even close get it all right, but i felt God carrying us….picking us up when we fell. Giving us strength for each moment of each day. Each decision and each bit of laughter and each I’m sorry. It wasn’t always pretty, but He never left us. Never walked away because we were too much for Him. His grace carried us.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams and passions and life recently. My mind wonders down dangerous questions like “Does God care about my dreams? Does He give us wonderful things only to rip them away? Should I stuff my love for children in some tight dark corner and pretend it doesn’t exist? Should I try to change my heart and look away from every baby in town for fear I won’t be able to stop myself and ask to hold them and the poor mommy will think I’m a stalker? ”

I came across a verse recently in my heart searching that spoke deeply to me. While I don’t in any way want to take the Bible out of context, this verse seemed to speak right into my struggle.

“If you cling to your life, you will lose it. But if you give it up for me, you will save it. ” Matt. 10

The words – cling to your life – seemed to jump out and throttle my attitude around the throat.

God gave us our gifts and callings for a reason. However, when we think we have the right to plan how that unfolds in our lives, we are in for a huge wake up! And it may not be all that pretty 🙂  my agenda is not always the plans God has for me! My clinging to my idea of a good life is not helping .

However, I will keep feeling. Keep dreaming. I will give my struggles and questions to God.

I will give up my agenda and what I thought my life would look like….I will stop clinging to MY ideas.

The Kierra spot will not be filled here on earth. I wouldn’t want it to be.

But I just know God made me the way He did for a reason. So I give Him my hopes and dreams. I give up the life I dreamed of. I am sitting back, watching and waiting for what He has for me. It may be tiny and insignificant. That’s OK. Whatever it is, I am HIS and His plans are  a million times better then mine!….Everyday!

So my little words I want to pass to your heart today? It’s OK to let go. It might feel like your free falling. Like it doesn’t make sense. But if we cling to our plans for our life and stay stuck in the broken dreams for years on end, we are missing a huge blessing . If God promised to pour out a blessing from Heavens windows when we give Him our tithe, how He must love to pour out His blessing when we give Him Our life!

It may not be fun or easy and you may not know how to even go about it. Because it hurts so much. Believe in the power of your God though! He gave His life for you. He knows how hard it is and He’ll meet you and fill in all the details. All we need to do is have a willing heart and stop clinging to our own lives.

I am so thankful for the three and half years I had with my two Littles! They were priceless!


The coming year can be priceless too, because We are God’s!


9 thoughts on “Clinging

  1. This really spoke to my heart today. Sometimes it’s easier for me to detach from my emotions and just plow forward. But I would be detaching myself from joy too. So I’ll keep dreaming and feeling, even if it means letting go and free falling. Love you!

    • Remembering how life used to be….you didn’t worry about dirty windows and matching clothes… true.I know….exactly my feelings. Believing God’s plan is better then mine….yes and yes and yes. The death of a loved one brings incredible change…and still he sends us grace for the moment.Blessings. ..maryann zook

  2. So precious and Very timely!!!! It is Way to easy to focus on myself and forget ALL of the promises God has given me. I want to focus on God this week!! Thank-you So much for sharing and for being a friend!!!

  3. Your words struck a tender chord… is different then it was when you were a caretaker 24/7. Asking God hard questions. true…yes life goes on and God gives grace and we notice the dirty windows and try to wear matching clothes again but the journey of grief is slow and hard.I can so much hear your heart and I enjoy reading your words
    Blessings maryann zook

  4. One of my favorite quotes came from a dear friend of mine over dessert together one evening. She said, “It’s not so much the letting go of MY dreams, but the embracing of the dreams GOD has for me.” I love that!! So many times I’ve clung fiercely to MY dreams, fearing that if I let go, I would crash and burn. But when I finally release my clutch, I realize that in the place of what I held so dear, was something beautiful, sometimes under a cloak of pain, but always beautiful. You are spot on, my dear!!

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