“Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing.” Book of Job
That’s how I’ve been feeling the last while. Like God is silent. Life is cruel. Present is suffocating. And Future uncertain. I wanted to beat something up. Take a wrecking ball to a building. As if that would make me feel better. After the clatter and crash and settling dust, what would be left? Everything would still be exactly the same. Except for a pile of ruin.
But ruin feels good sometimes. Sitting among the ashes of your dreams and longings has a drawing power. It’s just so familiar. It’s all your mind wants to turn to. It feels like home even though it wreaks of utter desolation. Sometimes, the effort it takes to get up just isn’t worth it.
Acceptance seems like betrayal. Forgiveness seems like denial. Smiles seem frivolous. And joy seems like a giant lie.
So I sit a bit longer among the ruins, sifting them through my fingers.
God’s been working on this girl’s heart. I am hopeless and helpless without Him. The moments of my life that surround this sadness in my heart will always stay with me. The pain and total NOT understanding. The NOT FAIR and the WHAT IF. It has all been woven into the essence of who I am. God knew that when He created me.
Listen to what else Job has to say about understanding, this ancient man who lost everything except His life and his wife.
“God understands the way to it
And He alone knows where it dwells.
for He views the ends of the earth
And sees everything under the heavens.
(So He’s looking at the big picture. At the details.)
When He established the force of the wind
(Maybe our trials and pain?)
And measured out the waters
When He made a decree for rain,
And a path for the thunderstorm…
He looked at wisdom
And appraised it
He confirmed it.
And tested it.
(Guess what? Unlike my mind likes to think, God isn’t up there whipping up a storm, unleashing pain and horror over His children, without a thought of where the pieces will fall. He is appraising. Confirming. Testing. He knows what He’s doing. He created us. And He honestly has the BEST for us turning in His ‘Great Brain’. He delights in us. He will never leave us broken alone. Ruined for good. Because He is stronger then our circumstances. Look at what the last verse says.)
The fear (reverence, respect) of The Lord is
And to shun evil is
Just like Alex Marini shared on Sunday…
To have fullness of joy is actually not complicated.
Abide. In. Him.”
Our God is so big. Look at another quote from Job…
“And these are but the outer fringe
Of His works.
How faint the whisper we hear of Him!
Who then can understand
the thunder of His power?”
Today, I’m choosing to trust God. He knows what He’s doing. I’m just convinced. I feel like I’m along for the ride…. I think that’s just OK:)
Right now…the ride consists of reading Kobe’s favorite book…I can handle that!
4 thoughts on “When I don’t Understand God”
I enjoyed that…..signed, trusting along with you….
Thanks for trusting with me, Nancy!
I love you
Love you too, Beth:)