I’ve been Rumbling around
With thoughts on God
And miracles and healing.
It feels that too often in life
I’ve operate under the expectation
That when we have our priorities straight
When we have our life full
Of church and giving and prayer
Then God will hear us.
I’ve been more and more uncomfortable
With this mindset and I’ve been digging
Deeper in search of clarity.
I always knew that we can’t save ourselves in our own power. However, for years I felt a desperation deep in my core that went beyond that knowledge. It told me that I was never good enough and never powerful enough to be considered a good Christian. I was always aware of my brokenness and my humanness and imperfections.
So I begged
I made promises in hopes of becoming more powerful and feeling more committed.
I forced a lot.
I was desperate for God to help me.
I was treating God like a vending machine.
Here’s the deal though. Ten quarters won’t buy you more favor then one. They might buy you more soda but they don’t buy you more favor with God.
He’s not a vending machine.
He will not be manipulated.
He will not be patronized.
He will not be prioritized.
It feels like in a crazy way sometimes,
I have tried to manipulate
The Creator into blessing me.
Then when things go down hill
I check my life for sin.
Like I can control the outcome in
circumstances by DOING.
Now before I get all technical
and you think I’m throwing out prayer
and the power of the Holy Spirit and our own
human nature and repentance,
let me tell you what started me on my
Quest for truth and meaning.
When a loved one escapes death,
We say things like
” We are so blessed!”
“It is a miracle!”
“We are So grateful!”
That’s all good and true and fine!
But here’s the part that hasn’t sat well with me.
What happens if death comes?
Or something worse then death?
Are we still just as blessed?
Are we still SO grateful?
And did we still receive a miracle?
It leaves a wide open feeling of betrayal and is downright uncomfortable when one person is ‘blessed’ because the diagnosis was negative but someone else’s was positive.
When death takes one child and the other child is healed.
When one child disappears forever and the other one is found.
It feels like cruel, ill humored fate. We face grief or we face survivor’s guilt.
And we wonder where God is.
He said He gives to those who ask.
He answers to those who knock.
He says you’ll find if you search.
So how come it feels like He’s not keeping His end of the deal?
Here’s the kicker.
There is no ‘deal’ with God.
Not the kind of deal that we envision anyway.
He already Created us plus the whole entire world so He is already light years ahead of us!
He is my Saviour so having him as a priority feels a bit … dusty and lame. I mean ….really!
Our kids don’t become more or less our children by prioritizing our relationship. They simply ARE ours. In a similar way, I am God’s child and that is a fact that I cannot change by trying to love Him more in hopes that I will become more His. I AM ALREADY! (Thanks to Rhonda Schrock for setting my mind along these thoughts)
He will automatically be a priority when I am in a good relationship with Him. That’s what it all comes down to with Him.
Bad things are going to happen in life.
Heartbreak will come. Unfair, horrible, cruel life wreaks havoc every single day and loving God does not always shield us from it.
We will hurt. We will bleed. We will likely rather die then face life at times.
But our relationship with God can still be sacred and steady and powerful. Deeply calming.
Begging, pleading, trying to change minds, or manipulating never works well in any relationship.
Why do we try it with the Divine?
We don’t have to try to figure God out.
He doesn’t need to be defended or explained.
Taking responsibility for other people’s actions, or the ‘fate’ in life, is not our duty or our right. There’s a lot of truth to that with God as well.
While I firmly believe God WANTS to hear our hearts and wishes and dreams and deep longings that ‘cannot be uttered’, I also believe that we need to step off the pedestal of trying to get it all right, have enough faith, read our Bible enough, pray enough, or be a ‘better Christian’.
God is way more interested in having a relationship with us then having us perform our hearts out in hidden fear and desperation.
He has been waiting for a deep, trusting relationship with us since the day He breathed life into our bodies. He is deeply invested in our lives, whether we feel it or not, and He has incredible comfort, insights, blessings and adventures to share with us.
We are living, moving miracles every single day. We may not get the miracle we were praying or hoping for, but we are actually LIVING a miracle Right Now. That’s worth celebrating!
This whole SAFE relationship with God -even when life is anything but SAFE may feel like the beginning of a relationship to us, or the ending of life as we know it but in all reality, He has known us since forever.
He loves us incredibly beyond our imagination.
He is still the God of miracles! There is still beauty in January.
2 thoughts on “When Miracles Don’t Happen”
I have struggled with these things for a long time. “It feels like cruel, ill humored fate. We face grief… And we wonder where God is.” This summed up my struggle…where is God in all these horrible things and if He loved me so much, why does He do nothing? He certainly doesn’t feel like a loving God. Sadly I haven’t been able to find peace in the conclusions you reached. I know that may ruffle feathers and it isn’t the “proper” good Christian response but it is real. I may not think God is a very loving God but I do know he is a big God and He can handle my questions, and yes even my anger. I appreciate your post.
I hear you Hannah! I am not a ‘proper’ kind of Christian either.
It has taken me a very long time to come to my own personal conclusions and I am still far from finding all the answers or really truly being ok with life when it hurts like fury. I don’t think I ever will.
I have decided that I will trust but my trust is not a blind desperate following like it used to be. That might not make sense to many people. But it is my truth.
It’s more of a choice.
There is no way one can force their way into big decisions like this and that’s ok.
Open hearts are so beautiful to our big God. I think we all see Him a bit differently and that’s a positive thing.
Thank you for your honest thoughts! Sending you lots of goodness and strength and authenticity for your path in life!