Tag: healing

What LOVED Looks Like
Healing Heart

What LOVED Looks Like

Anita HochstetlerLeave a comment

For years I lived for a place of love.

I longed to be loved for who I was and for what I did. I longed to be valued for being valuable.

I loved FOR God. I thought that since He did so much for me, I wanted to do things for Him as well. I was genuine in my desire to please Him and I truly had a connection with my Jesus.

As much as I loved God and had a connection with the Divine, I was quite certain there had to be more, but it seemed like such a mystery to me.

Last year, I had a dream about Jesus that set me on a search for truth. A search for who Jesus really is. Who God is. I’m still far from having all the answers, but I want to share with you one thing I am learning.

There’s a difference between living For Love and living From Love.

One of them is more performance based and the other is acceptance based.

When I lived For love, I lived for God. I took on duties and responsibilities that I thought would be a good way to bless other people For God. I tried to be constantly alert to any need that arose that would be something I could do FOR God.

I begged. I begged God to help me with loving others well when I felt impossibly unloving toward them. I begged for healing. I begged for answers. I begged for peace. I begged for things to change.

I always ended with words “according to your will” and I would envision myself as a contrite child on my knees before God, taking on whatever hardships were handed out to me….because whatever happened in life, God had to have a purpose for it. I lived from this posture of begging and trying hard to have faith.

Now I don’t want to get all technical on word play here. I’m also not a theologian. I am still learning, but I want to share my thoughts on what true Love is to me right now.

First, let’s talk about LIFE. Simply put, Life happens. Being human is hard. Horrible things occur every day and there is no good purpose for them that I can see. No good purpose for murder or rape or incest or abuse. No good purpose for babies suffering and mommies and daddies dying too soon. No good purpose for horrific things that we can’t even wrap our minds around. For trauma that rocks out world and turns it all upside down.

While I don’t see good in the actual experience, I see so much good in a Jesus who sits with us in the pain and weeps with us. I see a Jesus who doesn’t magically take us out of humanity but whose presence keeps us breathing and alive and infinitely loved.

What would it look like if we would view life through the lens of relationship versus the lens of controlling everything in life?

If we would stop begging God and instead start communicating with God. If we’d acknowledge the fact that life is not fair and that serving God will not be a guarantee that tragedy won’t strike us. That we are not immune to suffering and death and heartbreak. That just because something happens doesn’t really mean that it was meant to be.

That not everything has a purpose of good, but instead, the relationship with God is what causes the miracle to happen and goodness blooms from tragedy. That it’s more about what’s going on inside our hearts instead of the suffering. That graves do not normally disappear. But they can become gardens. (I love that song)

In every single hard thing, God is still good. Still listening. Still compassionate. Still caring. But He doesn’t always make it go away. He doesn’t always come through the way we think He should.

Here’s the promise we DO have. There is always a deeper level of love and awareness, companionship and peace He wants to bring us through the hard times.

I used to beg God for answers and change because that was all I knew to do. Beg and resign myself to whatever He chose to do. I didn’t know how to receive. How to live in the power of His resurrection.

I was so busy trying to find reasons for what was happening. Defending God in my thoughts. Focusing on what He could do instead of focusing on His presence right here. Right now.

I didn’t know how much He LOVED me. Because I was so busy trying to serve Him and make sense of what was happening.

But here’s the part that I have learned at a deeper level this last year.

I am LOVED.

Exactly where I am . The way I am. No proper words or correct thoughts needed. No perfect faith or wordy prayers. I am loved with my questions and fears and insecurities.

I’m loved exactly now. Exactly as I am.

It sounds incredibly simple but to get that message from my head into my heart took another whole level of belief, acceptance, and trust.

When the reality of Divine Love moved into the very core of my heart, it changed everything. I stopped trying to do it right for God.

I started from a different place. A place of rest. A place of acceptance. Of not trying to prove anything or argue my stance.

A place of unconditional, gentle, overwhelming, accepting, patient love.

I began loving From this Divine love. I began accepting the Words I heard Jesus speaking to me. I began accepting the truth spoken around me. I began accepting the smiles and words of blessing from others and when I began believing these things, my whole life began to shift and change.

Instead of begging, I began receiving. Instead of taking, I began asking. Asking Jesus what He thought of this . Asking the Holy Spirit’s presence into issues I was facing. And then I listened.

I am learning that Jesus actually delights in being with me. That instead of a helpless child begging at his feet, He is gently taking my fear and hesitation and asking me to dance with Him in freedom and love.

I learned something else. There is always a blessing waiting for me. I am not an unworthy beggar.

Because of LOVE-divine LOVE- when God looks at me, He sees Jesus . The angels rejoice over me because of that LOVE that I am resting in. Power is mine…because of abiding in love.

Because of this LOVE, I have access to a whole huge storehouse of blessings. It’s my choice if I accept them or not. I can chose to follow the gentle suggestions of the Holy Spirit. Even if I don’t, it doesn’t make me more or less loved. But it may keep that blessing tucked away on the shelf in the store house, waiting to be poured out over my life and the lives of those around me. It may keep me from experiencing a new view of who God is and what He has available for me in life.

It takes all the pressure off when living from a place of love. I don’t have to spend energy constantly searching my radar for things I should do and ways I must serve. I won’t blow it if I miss one opportunity or make one mistake.

I know now that Jesus will meet me wherever I’m at.That when I am in communication with Him, I can follow His gentle lead and listen for the promptings of the Holy Spirit to show me how to love others best.

I can live in rest and know that my performance doesn’t change His opinion of me. With my heart turned toward him, I know that I will be told what to do and I can rest in that knowing.

I can rest my heart and mind on the knee of my Creator and ask questions, share my fears, and hear the sweet words of love and power.

There is no need to beg when I can simply rest and receive.

There is so much power. So much love. So much Hope available through this kind of living.

So many secrets and sweet thoughts and moments. So many many messages from nature. Birds flying overhead, butterflies flitting by, breezes suddenly springing up, the smile of a stranger, the wave of a child. All around me , life is filled with this rest and love when I simply open my eyes to it’s wonder.

We are not the victims in this life. We are not the ones who are powerless and fearful in the face of resistance to love and truth. We are incredibly equipped with power and peace from our Creator.

We are in touch with Heaven’s answers. With ideas and thoughts and words of life that may seem so insignificant in the moment, but can start a ripple effect of goodness and transformation.

Don’t be afraid to ask Jesus questions. Don’t be surprised when you hear an answer. It may just be different then what you imagined.

Dare to live truly divinely LOVED!!

Rise
Finding Yourself

Rise

Anita HochstetlerLeave a comment

They cannot extinguish

The deep in me

That rises like a Phoenix.

That sacred core assigned

Me from creation.

.

It will find its freedom.

Roll on the wind

Escape over mountains

Dance in the sun

Laugh down the stream

.

The energy and words that are released.

Do not return empty.

They take up space.

Gather energy.

Increase frequency.

Awaken. Affirm. Applaud.

.

They cannot take a mind that is truly free.

They can torture with mental anguish-

For freedom does not come lightly.

But I will not remain under heavy hands.

I will rise.

Find My voice.

Find My brave.

It has always been in me.

The core of who I am all along.

.

I will never forget

That a dove with clipped wings

Will one day learn to fly again.

That things are usually not as they seem.

.

That spark will never be taken from my heart.

Although it may lie

Silent and dormant

For a season.

.

You have glory in the core

Of who you are.

Release it and let it shine.

Transformations only happen

When we allow them.

Do not be afraid of your own

Beautiful light.

The Divine has all the resources

Stock piled for you.

You only need to

Open.

Ask.

Believe.

Holiday Like It’s Your Last
Thoughts On Life

Holiday Like It’s Your Last

Anita Hochstetler4 Comments

I’m afraid to write this post. Mostly I’m afraid because it could be taken in the very opposite way of what I would ever want it to be taken. But aren’t most things in life that way? Two sided?

I’m going to write it I though because I think it needs to be said. Cue the deep breathing.

What would you do if you knew this was your last holiday on earth? Who would you go see? How would you celebrate?

There’s no reason to panic here. No reason to buy exorbitant gifts or frantically try to send out cards or burn your old journals. Just a quiet reflection on what really matters most in your life right now and a refocus on being intentional with it.

Ever since Covid hit, I’ve been rumbling with deep questions and thoughts. I keep seeing two sides of extreme opinions and I honestly feel like I waffle back and forth between the two.

Obviously, the thing most people want to do is to love others well. Love. Love . Love.

Some people show love well by quarantine. Some people show love by working in hospitals. Some people show love by running the trash trucks. Some people show love by sharing their provisions. Some people show love by showing up at their sick parents houses and sitting with them and making them laugh. There So much love everywhere when we look for it!

In a world that speaks so much of hate and hurt, all everyone wants, deep in their heart is to be loved. It just looks different from a variety of glasses.

There are all kinds of opinions and mandatory restrictions over this holiday season. I’m not writing this to tell you what to do or add to the confusion but I have a message burning in me and so I write.

All through this year, while people were speaking of the pandemic and how best to show love, I would remember our daughter Kierra. She was definitely a high risk child. Winters were often spent either at home or in the hospital because the risk of her getting sick or actually being sick was frankly was quite high. Every cold could lead to pneumonia. Every pneumonia could lead to kidney failure and every kidney failure could lead to respiratory failure. Which would lead to death.

There was no cure for her condition. No tidy answer. Just managing the symptoms and trying to keep her immune system strong. Sound familiar?

Now I know that Covid is a pandemic. I am not for a moment saying it’s made up or related to my daughter’s disorder. My heart hurts for all the lives that have been forever changed through this illness. So in some ways, we aren’t even dealing with the same issues.

In other ways, we are. Kierra was high risk for any illness. We kept her home during cold and flu season. We never fully expected to go anywhere unless we actually got there. Our plans could change at a moments notice.

We didn’t ask others to accommodate our daughter’s health needs. We didn’t normally demand extra precautions. It was our responsibility to care for her and do what we could to protect her from viruses. It became our own personal normal.

We also took a trip I will never regret. A road trip from Pennsylvania to Montana with our daughter. It was one of those trips where the whole time you were packing, you thought you were totally 💯 crazy, but the feeling of doing the right thing was so strong, that it outweighed the ‘what if’s’.

What if she would get sick in Montana and we wouldn’t have our pediatric hospital? What if she got sick on the way and we were stranded in a strange hospital? What if she contacted a virus on the trip and came home sick? What if the altitude made her breathing worse? What if we were irresponsible to go so far with a special needs child? What if she died?

Kierra’s grandparents had been missionaries in Central America since she was a baby and they had never had a good chance to connect with her. I felt a certain urgency to take the trip and enjoy some time with them and also get to visit our old home state.

We went on that trip. It wasn’t all easy. I mean just hauling the stuff into the motel room was like a marathon chore. Oh the memories!

And this was just one load.
My spot was right there beside her among all those blankets and stuff for about 30 hours. One way.

But we enjoyed our time so much. Kierra seemed to love Montana and although she needed more oxygen then normal, she thrived. She ‘talked’ and waved her little hands and smiled and giggled. She relaxed more then I thought she would.

It was such a gift to all our hearts. It was healing and special and connecting.

A month later, when Christmas came, we once again decided to make a trip to my family for the day. They lived only 4 hours away instead of 30 but it was still a big deal to pack everything up. Kierra didn’t feel well on Christmas Day.

But the love poured on her and the support given to us was so special and priceless.

Those two holidays were the last times Kierra was at her Grandparent’s house.

She passed away in January. Two months after being in Montana and one month after being in Maryland.

I will never regret taking the risk. Love beat death. Spending that time with family can never be replaced. I will always be grateful we had that opportunity. Her disorder prevented us from doing many things, but they did not define her.

We chose to live like there was no tomorrow. Because really, there was no promise of even one more day.

I know. It’s not going to look the same for you as it did for us. It could very well be that loving well this year means staying at home. You may not be able to take the risk of sickness. You may not have sufficient finances. You may have no family to visit. You may be in mandatory lockdown.

I’m sorry. I know this is hard. I know this is lonely and often there are no ideal options.

Hear my heart though? Please don’t allow the fact of dying or suffering to scare you into isolation. Please don’t allow the fear of others to shame you into not taking that meal or inviting that lonely person. Or hugging those grandparents.

Please love yourself well. Do what you know you need to do. There is no reason for shaming over this season. And that starts with you. Give yourself grace. Pass it out freely to others. Your decision is honorable.

My daughter died from respiratory failure but she died well loved.

At her funeral, her Grandpa said he had asked God for One Chance to connect with her while he was a missionary so far away.

When we went to Montana, his prayer was answered. She looked into his eyes (which was rare). They connected.

I had no idea he prayed that prayer. I did know that we needed to go on that trip. I did know, that after that trip, Kierra seemed satisfied. Like she had accomplished a mission that was hers to do.

Two months later, it was her time to go on. To enter the Knowing – the Fullness. The Complete Wholeness that is Hers. The arms of Jesus caught her up.

Pure Joy

Whatever your holiday plans are this year, love deeply. Freely. Fully. You never know when it is your last.

Peace my friend. Peace and love.

It’s OK To Cry Right Now
Nature Awakens You

It’s OK To Cry Right Now

Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

She cried because all the chairs were stacked and her favorite coffee house looked stark and unfriendly.

She cried because the tables that held friendship and hand holds and side hugs and steaming cups of coffee were silent and empty.

She cried because her shopping consisted of running in and out and extra hand sanitizer and constant awareness of what she touched and choosing the minimal amount of products with the minimal amount of money but at the same time wondered if this was enough food for the possible shut down coming.

She cried at the empty park and the silent soccer fields.

She cried because they needed kitchen chairs but new ones were too expensive and used ones were too risky to pick up.

She cried because she felt helpless and that made her feel needy and that made her feel tired.

She cried because her already tired mind had to weigh so many new choices. To sanitize the door handle or not? To hit the drive through or go into the store for food? To wash her hands religiously and often even if she hadn’t left the house for 48 hours? To sanitize all mail and groceries or to be careful and call it good? Was her shopping list legit or should she try to make something out of tomato paste and frozen blueberries and a cup of flour?

She cried because her sons birthday gift would not come for a month because it wasn’t considered essential online.

She cried because some people were paranoid and some people were naive and some people were stupid.

She cried because the church buildings were empty. The school grounds silent. The storefronts posted with covid_19 closure papers.

She cried because the lady in the drive through was so kind and sweet and cheerful that it made her feel loved and seen and heard.

She cried because children were suffering with no one to hear them. Lives were being taken out of desperate loss of hope.

She cried because her kids were fighting again and it felt like a reflection on her motherhood.

She cried because the sunshine illuminated her succulent with golden pink and it made her feel poetic

Friends, we all break sometimes. No matter if we trust God or not. And that’s ok. We don’t have to be brave every second of every day.

I hear your cry. I see your pain.

Shedding and new growth are incredibly hard. Especially when they come suddenly and unannounced.

I took a drive beside the river on a frosty morning when nature was at peace with hoarfrost and sunshine. A deep understanding stirred inside me.

All of nature was simply LIVING. Inviting humans to do the same. Reaching out beauty and grace. Inviting . Come play with me. Sit with me. Feel the connection of earth and matter and sunshine and wind. Reflect on water and listen to the wild goose quest.

We are more related then you know. Cut from the same dust. Returning to the same dust. Living RIGHT now. In this reality.

Friend, hold this moment in time gentle and holy. This beautiful moment as a light in your hands.

That’s what matters most.

Perhaps what felt like death to normal was actually life stirring in dormant places. Bringing collective love and strength to individuals. Showing up in texts and online chats and coffee dates in the back of vans. In food drops and recipe swaps and care snail mail. In face masks and empathy and acceptance. In prayers to Heaven. In Children being rescued.

In realizing the vulnerable, weak, ugly parts of our own hearts. In finding grace. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Hope .

In finding beauty in loving well and living intentionally.

In seeing that mankind is not all corrupt and that truth and justice will win. Even after hundreds of years.

In knowing. That the best is yet to come.

Hostage Heart
Finding Yourself

Hostage Heart

Anita HochstetlerLeave a comment

Sometimes our heart’s held hostage.

Our own brain telling us

We are alone.

Unworthy of the ransom

Of human acceptance

Compassion and love.

Like no one can understand

The depth of our wrestling.

Fear keeps us tethered with

The thought of labels slapped on us.

Less then.

Inefficient.

Unworthy.

A failure.

Too sensitive.

Faithless.

A fraud.

So we cry into the night

Scrub tears furiously in the car

Plaster a smile on our face

And plow on with life.

We slowly die inside.

Morph into an island.

Our inner dialogue

Isolating us from what we need the most.

It’s when we take the plunge.

Reach for the lifeline.

Open our hearts

Let truth filter in.

No matter how fractured the light.

Allow the hug of grace.

The words, “I believe in you.”

The nodding of,”Me too.”

That’s when we realize

that all along

we were our own captors.

Locked in bars of our own making.

We held the key from the beginning.

We just needed to find the courage

And risk the chance of being seen.

To turn the lock.

The freedom waiting for us.

It was there all along.

We were not made to live our story alone.

Finding Calm in Chaos
Finding Yourself

Finding Calm in Chaos

Anita HochstetlerLeave a comment

Have you felt out of control of your emotions or reactions to situations? Do you think “if only they would __________ I could handle this so much better.”

Do you wish you could stop the thoughts parading through your mind or change the knee jerk instinctive reactions to situations out of your control?

It’s not impossible my friend! I’ve been a mom for nearly a decade. If anything brings you to the end of your patience and self control it’s working with humans 24/7. That’s mom life. Beautiful, exhausting, messy, life.

I’ve struggled more then I want to admit with my reactions. I think we all have our own unique way of responding to stress or discomfort in our lives.

Yelling, being overly critical, self hatred, shaming, being passive aggressive, hitting, leaving, shutting down. We all have ways our body automatically WANTS to respond.

We CAN have control over these reactions. We CAN’T normally control the circumstances we find ourselves in. It’s not my kid’s responsibility to stop crying because it’s uncomfortable for me or my husbands responsibility to help me more because I feel alone.

Let’s just STOP 🛑 laying blame on our circumstances and hoping for better outcomes.

Hear my heart. I’m NOT saying to stay in abusive or dangerous circumstances.

I AM asking if I may challenge you to start working on the deep roots and the core issues that are triggering these helpless, hopeless feeling that explode in reactions in our bodies and often onto those we love the most.

Before I go farther, I want to credit Dr. Caroline Leaf for decades of research in the brain and the empowerment and knowledge she has shared with countless people!

I’ve been doing her 21 Day Brain Detox and am on my 3rd cycle of 21 days. My life is literally changing because of it.

Here are some of the things that are working for me that are specific to her coaching as well as things that I’ve discovered over the years through other research. I don’t take credit for them. I do love to share what’s working for me!

• Get enough sleep. If you can’t sleep, then at least rest. Resting your body is vital to managing your brain and emotions. I’m talking a MINIMUM of 8 hours a night.

• Drink water. Eat well. You don’t have to go extreme. Just make good, healthy choices and take well researched clean supplements.

• Become an observer. Observe yourself in hard situations. Pretend you are viewing yourself from a distance. You will be amazed at what you see when you remove your emotions from a situation and observe yourself as an onlooker. Of course you don’t want to stay up on that observation deck forever! Just get far enough away to took at your reactions logically then come back and give yourself and hug and make some changes.

• Ask yourself questions. A lot of questions.

Why? Why am I angry at my toddler?

Because he won’t stop yelling.

(Note that this is YOUR inquisition…not your toddlers)

Why does that bother me? Because it’s loud and it makes me uncomfortable.

Why? Because I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m tired and hungry and I’m bending over backwards here to fix things and they won’t be fixed and isn’t yelling bad behavior?

Tada!! Now I’m getting somewhere! I’ve learned some things about myself.

I’m tired and hungry.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel like yelling is not acceptable and reflects that I am a bad mom.

Onward girl!!!

Now comes the crunch.

What are you going to do about it?

That’s up to you.

For myself?

Get a drink. Eat something with protein and hopefully something flavorful and fresh.

Remember that my child is not here to please me or perform for me. I am here for them. I am here to help them navigate big feelings and support them in using their voice in respectful, healthy ways.

I am a loving, powerful, good mom!

It’s not always easy to ask these questions in the moment so I like to take note of when I feel upset and then go back later and break it down a bit and try to find a solution to the problem. I need to find the core of the issue in my own life before I can hope to successfully manage my own emotions.

• Contemplate instead of ruminate. When we let negative or stressful thoughts run through our head all day like a steady back ground sound track, we are destroying our brains!

The thoughts we give energy to will create strong patterns in our brains. It’s much more helpful to plan a time to sit or walk or run and give your mind specific permission to think (contemplate) on the issue that is bothering you. Then set it aside and go on with positive thinking.

• Feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Then release it and find a new way of thinking of it.

• Give yourself a lot of affirmation and hugs. Tell yourself how strong you are. How powerful your mind is and how you are changing generations through your own change.

• Take note of when you are extra anxious or triggered and find the warning signals that you are on a downward spiral. Decide right then and there to change the outcome. Being aware of your physical and mental feelings is HUGE in gaining control of your mind and reactions.

•Take it slowly. This is a marathon. Not a sprint. It has taken us years to build our mind patterns and it will take a lot of hard work and dedication and the desire to change in order to succeed. Every day you work on your own issues is a step forward!! You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to keep making positive , thoughtful choices.

• Take time for soul care. Having time to write, think, read, be in nature, worship, or do a fun project are vital for me. Unplug and reset.

•Take a hot shower or bath. Wash your hair. Or put on your makeup. Go work out at the gym. Walk around the block. Whatever it takes to make you feel fresh again. I personally go for a quick shower and hair wash. I try to let my ugly feelings go down the drain and start all over. There’s no shame in making repairs and moving on.

I’ve found that working on myself is vital to changing the whole way my life goes down around me. I can’t change my circumstances or the people around me but I can change my own inner world. I can change my mind and my brain and that changes my biology. It changes my attitude, my health, my immune system and my DNA.

Yes! Our Creator made us THAT powerful. He also didn’t abandon us to try to do this on our own. He sent His Spirit to live in us. Hold us. Teach us. Lead us. Empower us. Comfort us.

We are not hopeless and we are not alone. We are not a diagnose. We are not a number.

Our stories matter. Our life matters.

Step into your power and LIVE!

If you have a favorite thing to calm yourself down or even reset your day, I’d love to hear about it!!!

When Miracles Don’t Happen
Grief

When Miracles Don’t Happen

Anita Hochstetler2 Comments

I’ve been Rumbling around

With thoughts on God

And miracles and healing.

It feels that too often in life

I’ve operate under the expectation

That when we have our priorities straight

When we have our life full

Of church and giving and prayer

Then God will hear us.

FOR SURE.

I’ve been more and more uncomfortable

With this mindset and I’ve been digging

Deeper in search of clarity.

I always knew that we can’t save ourselves in our own power. However, for years I felt a desperation deep in my core that went beyond that knowledge. It told me that I was never good enough and never powerful enough to be considered a good Christian. I was always aware of my brokenness and my humanness and imperfections.

So I begged

I pleaded.

I made promises in hopes of becoming more powerful and feeling more committed.

I forced a lot.

I was desperate for God to help me.

I was treating God like a vending machine.

Here’s the deal though. Ten quarters won’t buy you more favor then one. They might buy you more soda but they don’t buy you more favor with God.

He’s not a vending machine.

He will not be manipulated.

He will not be patronized.

He will not be prioritized.

It feels like in a crazy way sometimes,

I have tried to manipulate

The Creator into blessing me.

Then when things go down hill

I check my life for sin.

Like I can control the outcome in

circumstances by DOING.

Now before I get all technical

and you think I’m throwing out prayer

and the power of the Holy Spirit and our own

human nature and repentance,

let me tell you what started me on my

Quest for truth and meaning.

When a loved one escapes death,

We say things like

” We are so blessed!”

“It is a miracle!”

“We are So grateful!”

That’s all good and true and fine!

But here’s the part that hasn’t sat well with me.

What happens if death comes?

Or something worse then death?

Are we still just as blessed?

Are we still SO grateful?

And did we still receive a miracle?

It leaves a wide open feeling of betrayal and is downright uncomfortable when one person is ‘blessed’ because the diagnosis was negative but someone else’s was positive.

When death takes one child and the other child is healed.

When one child disappears forever and the other one is found.

It feels like cruel, ill humored fate. We face grief or we face survivor’s guilt.

And we wonder where God is.

He said He gives to those who ask.

He answers to those who knock.

He says you’ll find if you search.

So how come it feels like He’s not keeping His end of the deal?

Here’s the kicker.

There is no ‘deal’ with God.

Not the kind of deal that we envision anyway.

He already Created us plus the whole entire world so He is already light years ahead of us!

He is my Saviour so having him as a priority feels a bit … dusty and lame. I mean ….really!

Our kids don’t become more or less our children by prioritizing our relationship. They simply ARE ours. In a similar way, I am God’s child and that is a fact that I cannot change by trying to love Him more in hopes that I will become more His. I AM ALREADY! (Thanks to Rhonda Schrock for setting my mind along these thoughts)

He will automatically be a priority when I am in a good relationship with Him. That’s what it all comes down to with Him.

Relationship.

Bad things are going to happen in life.

Heartbreak will come. Unfair, horrible, cruel life wreaks havoc every single day and loving God does not always shield us from it.

We will hurt. We will bleed. We will likely rather die then face life at times.

But our relationship with God can still be sacred and steady and powerful. Deeply calming.

Begging, pleading, trying to change minds, or manipulating never works well in any relationship.

Why do we try it with the Divine?

We don’t have to try to figure God out.

He doesn’t need to be defended or explained.

Taking responsibility for other people’s actions, or the ‘fate’ in life, is not our duty or our right. There’s a lot of truth to that with God as well.

While I firmly believe God WANTS to hear our hearts and wishes and dreams and deep longings that ‘cannot be uttered’, I also believe that we need to step off the pedestal of trying to get it all right, have enough faith, read our Bible enough, pray enough, or be a ‘better Christian’.

God is way more interested in having a relationship with us then having us perform our hearts out in hidden fear and desperation.

He has been waiting for a deep, trusting relationship with us since the day He breathed life into our bodies. He is deeply invested in our lives, whether we feel it or not, and He has incredible comfort, insights, blessings and adventures to share with us.

We are living, moving miracles every single day. We may not get the miracle we were praying or hoping for, but we are actually LIVING a miracle Right Now. That’s worth celebrating!

This whole SAFE relationship with God -even when life is anything but SAFE may feel like the beginning of a relationship to us, or the ending of life as we know it but in all reality, He has known us since forever.

He loves us incredibly beyond our imagination.

Trust Him.

He is still the God of miracles! There is still beauty in January.

Alive
Healing Heart

Alive

Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

It’s the twelfth day of 2020.

It’s taken me 12 days to put words to the thoughts in my head.

And even now, they come out stumbly and awkward.

It’s Sunday evening and it’s black dark outside and the temperature is plummeting below zero.

It’s January and 6 years ago, on this very day I was bringing our three year old daughter home from another hospital stay with no idea that in a few short weeks, she would physically leave us for the rest of our earthly lives.

I wept as I drove home in the gathering dusk earlier tonight, after picking up Vitamin C and Echinacea and Throat Coat tea for my son.

I wept because I wanted to spend another day or month or year or forever with our daughter ALIVE.

I wept because I miss the feminine, sweet, little girlishness she brought into our lives.

Sometimes death feels so dead.

I know there is always Life somewhere.

I just need to choose to see it.

This year, I chose the word ALIVE as my focus.

Not because I wanted to hide the pain of death. Not because I want to live every day in a flurry of activity or growth.

I chose it because I want to remind myself of LIFE.

I want to remind myself that no matter how my heart and emotions feel, I am vitally ALIVE.

I have been making a running record in my journal of proof that I am ALIVE.

Some may think it a gratitude list if they saw it.

It’s more then that to me. While I’m grateful for everyone of those things I list, it’s also proof to me that LIFE is still happening. Right this minute.

Dirt under fingernails.

Homes for crickets.

Green in Winter.

I stand with myself and weep in the death of our daughter. It’s a healthy thing to grieve. But death can be so much more then physical death.

Death can be lived in the heart and the mind and this is where I stand my ground and come ALIVE.

I refuse to be soul stuck in the clutches of shame and fear and selfish thinking. I refuse to ruminate on things I cannot change. I refuse to believe my self worth is based on my emotions and thoughts and others opinion of me. I refuse to manipulate myself and others by doing and saying things in a passive aggressive manner. I refuse to allow other people’s issues to control my own personal mental and physical health.

I will fall down flat often this year. I know I will. But I also known that I am not the sum total of my mistakes.

Falling does not mean I am dead. It means I am human and it means I have an opportunity to grow.

I am reminding myself of my own humanity and my own power …through the wonderful grace of my Creator.

I am reminding myself by writing lists about being ALIVE.

Steamed cream in my coffee. So frothy and smooth on my tongue.

The ache in my shoulders after a day of work.

Fractured morning light on the living room wall.

The smell of icy winter.

The way my son lies, breathing in and out.

Sleep music wafting through the room.

Footsteps of my husband downstairs.

Writing down the present makes me more aware. It reminds me of the important things happening all around me and keeps me from getting stuck on things I cannot change. Things in the past. Things in the future. Things in the present that are out of my control.

I want to be ALIVE this year.

To listen without judgment.

To give true empathy without patronizing or trying to fix things.

I want to feel my heart healing.

I want to watch the woman inside of me blossoming.

I want to own my story and live my present.

I want to feel the joy and the hard and the mundane.

I want to remind myself that ALIVE is what my soul is. That no death will take that from me.

Death is conquered already. My Divine Creator is the essence of ALIVE and He has invited me into His presence.

ALIVE .

EMBRACE IT. THIS ONE WONDERFUL MIRACULOUS LIFE.