Grief

When Miracles Don’t Happen

I’ve been Rumbling around

With thoughts on God

And miracles and healing.

It feels that too often in life

I’ve operate under the expectation

That when we have our priorities straight

When we have our life full

Of church and giving and prayer

Then God will hear us.

FOR SURE.

I’ve been more and more uncomfortable

With this mindset and I’ve been digging

Deeper in search of clarity.

I always knew that we can’t save ourselves in our own power. However, for years I felt a desperation deep in my core that went beyond that knowledge. It told me that I was never good enough and never powerful enough to be considered a good Christian. I was always aware of my brokenness and my humanness and imperfections.

So I begged

I pleaded.

I made promises in hopes of becoming more powerful and feeling more committed.

I forced a lot.

I was desperate for God to help me.

I was treating God like a vending machine.

Here’s the deal though. Ten quarters won’t buy you more favor then one. They might buy you more soda but they don’t buy you more favor with God.

He’s not a vending machine.

He will not be manipulated.

He will not be patronized.

He will not be prioritized.

It feels like in a crazy way sometimes,

I have tried to manipulate

The Creator into blessing me.

Then when things go down hill

I check my life for sin.

Like I can control the outcome in

circumstances by DOING.

Now before I get all technical

and you think I’m throwing out prayer

and the power of the Holy Spirit and our own

human nature and repentance,

let me tell you what started me on my

Quest for truth and meaning.

When a loved one escapes death,

We say things like

” We are so blessed!”

“It is a miracle!”

“We are So grateful!”

That’s all good and true and fine!

But here’s the part that hasn’t sat well with me.

What happens if death comes?

Or something worse then death?

Are we still just as blessed?

Are we still SO grateful?

And did we still receive a miracle?

It leaves a wide open feeling of betrayal and is downright uncomfortable when one person is ‘blessed’ because the diagnosis was negative but someone else’s was positive.

When death takes one child and the other child is healed.

When one child disappears forever and the other one is found.

It feels like cruel, ill humored fate. We face grief or we face survivor’s guilt.

And we wonder where God is.

He said He gives to those who ask.

He answers to those who knock.

He says you’ll find if you search.

So how come it feels like He’s not keeping His end of the deal?

Here’s the kicker.

There is no ‘deal’ with God.

Not the kind of deal that we envision anyway.

He already Created us plus the whole entire world so He is already light years ahead of us!

He is my Saviour so having him as a priority feels a bit … dusty and lame. I mean ….really!

Our kids don’t become more or less our children by prioritizing our relationship. They simply ARE ours. In a similar way, I am God’s child and that is a fact that I cannot change by trying to love Him more in hopes that I will become more His. I AM ALREADY! (Thanks to Rhonda Schrock for setting my mind along these thoughts)

He will automatically be a priority when I am in a good relationship with Him. That’s what it all comes down to with Him.

Relationship.

Bad things are going to happen in life.

Heartbreak will come. Unfair, horrible, cruel life wreaks havoc every single day and loving God does not always shield us from it.

We will hurt. We will bleed. We will likely rather die then face life at times.

But our relationship with God can still be sacred and steady and powerful. Deeply calming.

Begging, pleading, trying to change minds, or manipulating never works well in any relationship.

Why do we try it with the Divine?

We don’t have to try to figure God out.

He doesn’t need to be defended or explained.

Taking responsibility for other people’s actions, or the ‘fate’ in life, is not our duty or our right. There’s a lot of truth to that with God as well.

While I firmly believe God WANTS to hear our hearts and wishes and dreams and deep longings that ‘cannot be uttered’, I also believe that we need to step off the pedestal of trying to get it all right, have enough faith, read our Bible enough, pray enough, or be a ‘better Christian’.

God is way more interested in having a relationship with us then having us perform our hearts out in hidden fear and desperation.

He has been waiting for a deep, trusting relationship with us since the day He breathed life into our bodies. He is deeply invested in our lives, whether we feel it or not, and He has incredible comfort, insights, blessings and adventures to share with us.

We are living, moving miracles every single day. We may not get the miracle we were praying or hoping for, but we are actually LIVING a miracle Right Now. That’s worth celebrating!

This whole SAFE relationship with God -even when life is anything but SAFE may feel like the beginning of a relationship to us, or the ending of life as we know it but in all reality, He has known us since forever.

He loves us incredibly beyond our imagination.

Trust Him.

He is still the God of miracles! There is still beauty in January.

Grief

Because Life is NEVER Bigger Then God.

We took a little trip down to the hospital to pick up the artwork that we did on the last day with Kierra.

It was nostalgic to say the least. I felt like I was walking in a dream until Kobe broke the silence with his enthusiastic, “See Kierra!” when we pulled into the driveway.

Little children look at life with such simple acceptance and faith. We told him Kierra wouldn’t be here. That she is in heaven. That was OK with him. He didn’t fight or try to reason. He just calmly moved on.

Now we as adults can’t do that as easily. Our questions are so much bigger and broader and deeper. They affect everything in our lives and run through our minds in waves of volume. We are these battle weary, hurting souls that spin a cynical twist to pain. We throw heart tantrums and play ‘not fair’ and ‘get you back’. We aim our frustration and fear and hurt and insecurity at a supposively loving God who we were taught to honor and respect.

It would hurt me very much if Kobe would never ask me “Why?” (or rather, “huh?'”:) If he would never mention Kierra.

If instead, he would go around, raking me over the coals behind my back, questioning every thing I told him that is true.Even that I love him. If he would blame me for all the pain and loneliness in his little life right now. If he would put big black marks on his chart against me and show everyone that I am a scam of a mommy who doesn’t care about him. If he would embrace that chart until the lies become his life.

It would hurt worse then him pounding on my chest, crying out his frustration from a hurting, weary, lonely, confused heart.

Perhaps that’s one reason Jesus said we should become as little children. It’s Ok to ask why. To be alone and sad and hurt and to not understand. To cry out to our Heavenly Father and let Him comfort us. It is not His fault that life hurts right now. Just as Kobe fully believes that we love him and what we tell him is true, so our Father wants us to trust Him.

Kobe could have spent the whole day and all of his energy on a search all over that hospital for Kierra. Instead, he let us pull him in the little red wagon.

Feb. 2013 008

We can do the same. Running ourselves ragged trying to find the meaning to life and questions and that real evidence that we think we HAVE to have. Or we can simply trust God to take us to the answers in His own time and His own way. We can rest in peace that He knows what He is doing. That life is NEVER bigger then Him. We can relax and try to find joy in the little things in life.

Feb Feb. 2013 011

We had to wait for hours until they located the artwork for us to bring home. It was locked away in an office on a weekend or something weird like that. But it was worth the wait. Now we have our fingerprints all over the canvas. It is still waiting on a frame. But, good things take time, right?

Feb