“I don’t know how to do this.”

  
It’s that gripping knowledge that I am not up to the challenge. I’ve come head to head with it a few times in life. It’s scary beyond words. One of the most vulnerable helpless feelings a human can have.

When our little girl was born and was so beautiful she could have been a china doll. 

When she wouldn’t suck and started to lose weight .

When she was diagnose with  NCS, a rare genetic disorder with no cure available.

When I found out I was having another baby that would be 15 months younger then my little girl.

When I didn’t know how to stop her cries.

When I felt like a failure as a wife and Mommy and I was too tired. 

It hit me the hardest when my little girl died. I knew how to love and be a Mommy and be her advocate and voice. I had learned what her cries meant and how she liked to be held and her favorite music. 

But I didn’t know how to live without her. And it was terrifying. I didn’t know how to be the grieving Mommy or how to wade through the emotions and still be a wife. I didn’t know what I needed or what my little boy needed or what my husband needed. I didn’t know how to have a funeral or what to do with all the Kierra Things that filled our house. 

It’s been almost 22 months since that specific breathtaking grip of fear and total helplessness washed over me. I still don’t know how to do life. I’ve come to understand the verse in the Bible a bit more clearly though…His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

Because when I can’t .

He can. 

When I’m too weak. 

He is never too tired. 

I didn’t need to be a certain way in life. Be the perfect Mommy. Totally understand my emotions. Cry at the right times or say the right grieving words. I just needed to hold His hand. My Father who held Hope.

Life brings heartbreak, unexpected changes, overwhelming circumstances. And paths you never dreamed you’d travel. 

No matter what you are facing right now….

A terminal diagnose. 

A loved one dies.

You are abandoned.

You lose your possessions.

Your heart gets broken.

Everything familiar is shaken.

Know this without a doubt….

You will get through this! 

If you are holding onto the God of Hope, you have nothing to fear.

You will learn a new rhythm in life. You will learn to see through different eyes. You will find familiar once again. 

You will never be the same.

But you will smile again. You’ve got this. 

Because God’s got you. 

And He never changes. He’s the ONE constant that knows EXACTLY how to do it. He will show you. With all His gentleness and love and grace that He pours into life. 

He never gives up on you. You ALWAYS have HOPE! 

Because hope isn’t always feelings. 

It’s a gift that God gives us that we can hang onto with both hands and anchors our soul to the ROCK!

It seems when I boldly declare my stand for Christ and His promises, that crafty Satan comes weaseling depressing thoughts and degrading hopeless words into my mind.

This weekend we spent some time with Steve’s folks camping and also some time just with the three of us.

We had a great time but I fought hard to keep fear and doubt at bay and sometimes it felt like I would dunk right under into negativity and that it was just too much effort to pop back up. 

With those feelings came multiple emotions. We received the shocking news of a 21 year old Amish cousin who was hit head on with a car while biking. It was a fatal accident and my heart breaks for his family. I will never forget waking up the first morning after Kierra died and feeling that suffocating grief paralyse us.

Emotions can do that too. Eventually the original struggle has morphed into so many little tendrils that snake entwined together and before you know it you are nearly crying because you haven’t gotten your hammock  hung yet and its already Late July. And you hate yourself for being sad over such a trivial thing.

So tonight after unpacking the essentials from our excursion I took my journal and sat outside at our little retro table and had myself a serving of tears. A main course of writing and frank conversing with God and dessert of slapping nasty mosquitoes.

I read some wonderful reasssuring verses and hung onto Truth as hard as I could.

Then about an hour later the most amazing thing happened. A gorgeous rainbow stretched in the pink hued sun set sky.

And there was no rain even.

Just smoke from far off forest fires. Orange and pink and dark clouds.
And this pastel rainbow.
I smiled.
And felt the glow of Gods love radiate in me. It was true! He loved me.
And maybe- just maybe. Kierra had a rainbow request He filled for her 😉

You can borrow my rainbow today if you are struggling to feel His love.

Its not a great phone picture. But its a promise.

And promises are kept .
Always. By God.
He will never drown us with a flood He cannot save us

from.

 Remember when your hope is lost and faith is shaken

Remember when you wonder if you’re going to make it.

There’s a hand stretched out through your deepest doubt.

We can’t pretend to see the ending

Or what’s coming up ahead

Don’t know the story of tomorrow

But we can stay close to the One who knows.

We can trust our God

He knows what He’s doing.

Though it might hurt now

We won’t be ruined.

He’s holding onto you and me

And He’s never going to leave.He is with us.He is with us.

Always. ALWAYS.

There is purpose

There is meaning

In everything

We surrender to His leading

He wants nothing more than to have us close.

Our faith is sealed

Our hope is real.

Come what may

We’re not afraid.

He is with us!

Always!

-song from the album Love and The Outcome

Somehow when one sees the giant sculpting of our Creator; one knows without a shadow of a doubt that He is totally capable of caring for every detail in our lives.

No matter that we have no idea what breathtaking event awaits around our next corner. He will be there and He really does have a plan.

Our lives are not just random events strung together.

We are incredibly loved.

We went to Glacier and for Father’s Day. I’ve been saving up money quite awhile for something special and I couldn’t think of any better way of spending it then giving my wonderful guy a little paid vacation. He has worked so hard and sacrificed so much for us all over the last years.

We stopped beside Going To The Sun Road with Heaven’s Peak in the background for a little family picture.

I wish we could have actually glimpsed into heaven for awhile but the clouds soon rolled in over the Rockies. We just carried our Wildflower Girl in our hearts and lived in the moment and enjoyed the wonderful clear mountain air scented with pine and glacier water.

This spot reminded me of what I imagine the Alps  look like. I could picture Peter and Heidi from Heidi herding their sheep, picking wildflowers and eating bread and cheese with swigs of fresh goat milk.

The spray of clear fresh water would dance over us and Kobe would squeal with delight.

All I could think as we drove through such incredible VAST beauty was the song, “How Great is Our GOD!!!”

Rest my soul. Rest and worship.

There is no reason to fret about tomorrow. He’s got this.

My mind has been spinning me in circles lately and I am weary of worrying and wondering and waiting and questioning if God is even listening. I’m weary of missing Kierra and not talking about it more and I’m weary of not WANTING to talk about it more. And I’m afraid that everyone will TRY to talk to me about it and I have no idea if i even WANT to talk about it. (I hope no guys have to read this ‘mad woman’ scramble of thoughts. LOL)

Grief is so very contradictory for me. I did not know that feelings of sad and happy, hate and love, can flow so near each other. (Perhaps hate is a bit of a strong word but right now I can’t think of a better one 🙂 I HATE missing Kierra but I LOVE how much I love her. Sadness and happiness intermingle until they become so entangled you can scarcely survive without either one of them. Then comes the moment of fear when you know memories and the life that was yours  is slipping away and a new chapter is breaking and you are paranoid  you can’t go back but more paranoid to move forward and totally paranoid to hold still.

And it was in a moment like this that I heard the song play that I typed above. It called my heart to God and His unfailing Heart of Love. Answers do not need to come in tidy packages with a specific map to show the way. They come by simply trusting. And moving one step forward at a time. Knowing that God will most likely surprise you with more joy and heartache then you ever imagined. And knowing it will totally be worth it. Because He has an absolute GLORIOUS plan in mind! and He will NOT RUIN His children!

So maybe I’m repeating myself.
But when your husband brings you flowers on a cold wintery day…(he is THE BEST!)

And a friend stops by to give you a hug and make sure you are ok…
And you had just minutes before been sitting,watching a “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” music clip and tears were stealing down your face as you felt the loss this world has portioned out into your plate.

Well, I just had to share a tiny bit of heart here. Because right now I feel like I’m eating a big bite of unsalted undercooked Lima beans.
Gritty. Tough. Just yuck.
It’s rather awful because I have so much good going for me-gifted from my Father.
I seem to forget that big fat steaming fresh doughnut waiting at my elbow with the equally tantalizing coffee.
The cold Limas consume me.

I forget the joy and blessings life has served me when I get so focused on the loss.

You have a loss too. I just know you do. A broken promise. A dysfunctional family. A traumatic childhood. A great heartache. A love that is so big and strong it aches for the hurt of those in your life.

For me, it’s the loss of my dreams of a perfectly healthy baby girl. Way back over three years ago. The trauma of a screaming infant. The ‘temporary’ of our lives and the expected unexpected in her life. Missing out on lots of Kobe’s baby days because our daughter needed us. Hurting when she hurt physically and grieving for the joys she could never experience in this life. Being her voice and advocate and cheerleader. Watching and holding our breath over her development and lack of coordination and strange movements. When we just wanted to enjoy her and have a happy carefree life. The last years have taken more out of me then I understand. I feel robbed. Cheated. And underneath that I feel selfish for feeling robbed when it was my daughter that had to suffer. But she was part of us. What hurt her hurt us, and I’m back to the age old wondering of what God is actually working to accomplish here in this mess that is called grief and disappointment.

But I cringe at my own words. Because while they are true on one awful level, they are also totally counteracted on the next. And the pain becomes tremendous gain. I have been given a priceless gift to be the Mommy of an angel daughter. Our little girl made me look at life through a totally different window. She brought so much beauty through the pain. So much peace through the tears. So much love to our Kobe. So much Kierra to our lives. So much courage in a messed up world. I am more certain of guardian angels that stand beside our children then I ever was in my life. I ache for her and her amazing beauty. Her radiant smile.

I sat and held Kobe as he tried to open his tired sleepy naptime eyes and I knew without a shadow what I needed to do.

Focus on the gain
Instead of the pain.

I have so very very many blessings. A wonderful husband. A darling three year old. Friends. And all the things that make me comfy in life. I choose to thank God for that.
Joy is a choice.
I choose it for my heart….and pray that it reaches my eyes.
So my friend….

Life is all about perspective. Focus. What we choose to dwell on until it becomes our identity. While I never want to lose that ‘Kierra part of me’, I also need to let go of the hurt and let the beauty we were so extremely blessed with for three and a half years fill my days and change my perspective.

Like the song writer I sing in my soul…
“And I said to myself ,’what a wonderful world’!”

Remember me like a dry flower,
It may not have any fragrance,
But it will remind you of my existence
Forever in your life.

They say roses fade…
I think they just deepen.
Into a stronger beauty.

It was the delicate strength of the tiny blossoms
That brightened the room even when their season
Was gone.

Thank you,Christene for helping me create beauty out of dry brittle flowers! A bit like my heart.
It is a gift…..
this beauty from Kierra’s life left for us…
Even after she is gone.
Peace.