Author: Anita Hochstetler

I'm a country girl at heart who loves coffee shops and bookstores, simplicity and the great Big Wonderful World...particularly Northwestern Montana and it's familiar spots and untamed beauty. It is where I fell in love with my husband Stephen. We brought three children into this world in the following years. Stephen is quiet and steady and crazy all in one handsome combo. He’s got an amazing brain and keeps my flights of fancy from blowing us away. Kierra , our Wildflower child, was diagnosed with NCS before she was a year old. It is an extremely rare genetic disorder with no cure. She passed away in January of 2014 at 3 1/2 years old. Kobe joined us 15 months after his sister and is our sensitive, math whiz child. He is kindhearted and loves the finer things of life. He talks about Kierra often and longs to play with her again. Kyrell is our youngest. Our Hope child. He charges through life with a dynamic spirit and lots of smiles. I share my heart here on these pages and pray they will bless souls far and near.

Grief

Partakers Of His Suffering

April 5, 2015October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

How deep the Father’s love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

I attended a woman’s retreat recently in the lovely area of Flathead Lake. Bracing mountain air, whispers of wind in pines, snow capped mountain peaks, and delightful lakes tucked in surprising valleys.

The theme of the retreat seemed to fit well with this Easter weekend.

Partakers of His suffering….called to Holiness.

When I think of holiness I often think of something beyond my grasp. Something only found in Heaven or the inner sanctuary of the tabernacle. Something I can never attain to.

I learned that holiness comes from simply giving my life to my Creator. I learned that suffering brings us to Christ….that we might be partakers of His holiness. I have so much to learn on this subject yet. And part of me wants to hide my face and not look into the depth of it.

Because it might hurt. And it DOES hurt.

Because it seems so contrary to my human nature.

Because I feel so unworthy of a holy, loving God reaching out His grace to me.

We had some wonderful speakers that spoke of pain and holiness and allowing suffering to change us into what Christ longs for us to experience. When we give everything in our life over to Jesus and ask Him to use us for His glory, He sometimes takes us to places we think are absolutely unfair and ridiculous and asking WAY too much of us. I know….I hate to admit that’s how I’ve felt already. He gave His LIFE for me….nothing is too much to give back to Him. But in my human mind, I hold up all kinds of restrictions and requests and appeals and think I know what would glorify God the most and how He should run my life.

One quote in particular stood out to me ” God does not judge me by the outcome of my circumstances, but by my faith” -Wendy Good

In other words, life may not go AT ALL as you planned. You may have the absolute BEST plans laid out and you are just waiting for the Lords blessing to come pouring out on your amazing plans….and they fall apart. This does not mean God was not in your plans. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t care about you.

As Wendy shared…”we don’t get to pick if we have a happy marriage”

(yes, we do everything in our power to make it happy, but it’s up to our partner to make it happy also)

We don’t get to pick if our children die. ….

If we are healthy and talented…..

“But we can believe that the life we are living now…

God has a plan for it.

We are not living a messed up alternative.”

And that frees us to live to the fullest. To leave our hurts at Jesus feet. To tell Him about them and trust Him to bring glory to His name …to ‘use our body as a living sacrifice’ . To take our pain and the circumstances we did not ask for in our life and use it for some greater glory.

Here’s a bit of my testimony. You can paraphrase it to your own situation in life…

Psalm 119:26

“I told You my plans

(Healthy children. Putting roots down and raising a family)

And You answered

(Incurable genetic disorder. Moving across country and trying to find where God wants us)

Now teach me Your decrees!

(What do you want of me, O God?)

Help me UNDERSTAND the meaning of Your commandments and I will meditate on Your wonderful deeds!”

(Look for spots of Life that have Glorified Him and brought PRAISE to His name!)

Just as Wendy brought out…sometimes we let our young children win a game of checkers and sometimes we let them lose…it’s not about the winning or losing….God cares more about OUR CHARACTER then if we win or lose.”

He really DOES have a greater glory in mind.

It’s not easy to live this life of giving myself and my Loved ones and my plans to God. But I just KNOW it is worth it. I just KNOW Kierra would agree with me! 🙂

Praying for peace to your heart.

Pray the same for mine? 🙂

Healing Heart

To Dream Again

March 5, 2015October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler5 Comments

Three years ago, my friend dedicated this photo to me with the words…

“God loves lining up the details in our lives…”

Three years ago. This was us.

Living in the hospital. Kierra fighting RSV.

Spending every moment we could together as a family. Finding joy in small things like smiles and beautiful silky hair.

Our lives didn’t feel very lined up at the time. It was more like an unending bad dream. We clung to God and hope and getting through the day and not worrying about much else. Straight lines of what God had in mind for us flooded us instead like a typhoon rain with no guarantee that it would end any time soon. Questions swirled around our very existence and we wondered what God was thinking. Or if he was even paying any attention at all to our daughter.

Three years later I look back and still don’t understand everything God had in mind for us. But I know one thing for certain.

In Christ alone, my HOPE is found!

He never turned His back or walked away through my questions and tears and fears and grief. He sent rainbows of every description over the past year since Kierra ran to Jesus.

there”s a tiny piece in this one away out in the distance.

Bits and pieces of rainbows shone through the showers this year more then I’ve ever seen before. Even double rainbows spread amazing arches. It was like God was holding out His hand. Convincing me He really DID have a plan. Assuring me that I could trust Him.

Today I sat in the Pediatric unit of the very hospital I was in 3 years ago to the very day. But this time I was tapping away on a computer, doing more learning in becoming an CNA. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God really IS lining up details in our lives.

As I drove over the wide open spaces toward my first interview with the director of nursing the other week, I wiped tears from my eyes. My heart was so peaceful. So bursting with peace. I could nearly feel God’s hand on my shoulder helping me the last two moths. I could feel Steve’s support and love encouraging me to keep learning and going and trusting God when studying got difficult.

But at the same time, I wept for what might have been. For what was five years ago. A mommy heart waiting to meet her daughter. Ready with so many dreams and hopes and exciting things to do and teach and experience in life.

One of my biggest struggles in having a child with severe health issues and in having to say Goodbye too soon was coming to grips with my broken dreams. I felt like because my dreams were shattered, that they didn’t mean anything. That God had a bit of iron in His hand to break my heart. The very heart He had created that had dreamed of having sweet children for as long as I can remember. Why couldn’t I be the one who didn’t especially dream of kids? Who wasn’t crazy over babies and toddlers and sippy cups and blankys?

Why would God give me a dream only to break it?

Was it safe to ever hope for anything again? Maybe I should just expect my husband to die, our house to burn down, and my son get bit by a rabid raccoon. I may as well have terminal cancer too. Expect nothing and you will be happily surprised.

But God actually doesn’t work that way. I’m His child. He loves me enough to pull me up out of my funk and get me looking at the cup half full. He gives me family and friends and encouraging rainbows and a husband who loves Him too.

I still don’t have answers to my questions. But I do know one thing. It almost hurts to admit it. But it was so real to me that day, that I have to share it.

I was living a dream.

To you who are huddling with broken dream fragments clasped in your bleeding hands….there is HOPE. You don’t have to feel it right now. But turn your heart toward the sunshine and eventually the warmth and healing of our Son will do an amazing work that even you can’t comprehend right now.

Because driving to an interview that day, my stomach tied up in knots, i realized something

I truly was dreaming again. And I didn’t even know it. I was LIVING a dream. I was experiencing a dream come true! And I hadn’t even planned on it. I was being given a chance to work at a hospital., To help hurting people. To touch finger prints of God all over the hard of this earth.

I was having a dream coming true that had been buried so deep in me that I scarcely knew it existed.

Somehow, the torrential rains of the last years were slowing. There was hope.life.dreams coming from them.

The details were lining up and though they still didn’t look all neat and tidy to me yet (i’m a woman with emotions that jump all over…so will they EVER look lined up exactly straight? i doubt it!) I know that from God’s point of view He is lining them up to create a pattern of beauty.

It hurt to realize I truly was living a dream…

because I lost a dream…

But maybe that’s the mystery The Dream Giver will reveal someday when He wipes away the tears from our human eyes and we SEE His glory!

And HIS DREAM.

Nature Awakens You

He Went All Out

February 17, 2015October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler2 Comments

God went all out this year already.

We chased the most gorgeous sunset the other night. It literally filled the air with pink and soft and beauty. I felt like I was dreaming.

lone, wind-screwed tree turned into a work of art.

stretching miles of blending sky

it even graced the

plain fortress of dried autumn, stacked high for winter’s cold

The heavenly Creator unleashed His palette of pink. Carmine,salmon and magenta.

He’s the Lover that creates so much beauty for us, that we are silent in the majesty. Wrapped in the rosy hues of His peace. Entranced by the vastness and glory of it all.

I think its His promise that no matter how bleak and cold the remaining days of winter drag, He has an amazing springtime coming.

And until then, each sunrise speaks of His new mercies. His unfailing love.

Even in the middle of man made structures and walls and glass panes and electric lines and our own complicated messes that stand between us and nature…His glory won’t be stopped.

Life can’t beat us. Circumstances can’t control us. Our God won’t stop at ANYTHING to display His power. Nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too difficult for Him. His love always shines through!

I just love when God shows off!

Kid's Fun

Of Three Year Old Paintings.

February 8, 2015October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

I’ve been paranoid of my keyboard. Don’t ask me why because I’m not sure myself. But I know I must type to break the power it is taunting over me.:)

We survived a year. We got through the first anniversary of Kierra’s great triumphant ushering into Heaven. I won’t pretend it was easy or pretty. I didn’t always think very kind thoughts toward my Heavenly Father. I cried some pretty big crocodile tears. But I also found peace and hope and love holding me at the end of the night.

It’s not like the night is totally over. It never will be until we live forever with the Son who is the LIGHT and there is NO NIGHT there. The night time of the soul is never my favorite part of life to grope through. But if we had no night here on earth, there would be no morning. No dawning. No fresh hope and courage and the knowledge that if God got you through this far, He has no intention of leaving you to face any darkness alone without His arms to carry you.

There were some AMAZING sunrises and sunsets in January. I will post some of the miraculous colors later. But it’s after 10 PM and I should be in bed. I just had to write a few lines to break this silent spell that is trying to take me captive. The last few days have actually been good. Steve and Kobe and I are all healthy and happy. Despite all the exciting things God has been surprising me with in my life, I still have this restless feeling. I think I’m simply homesick. For Heaven. And Kierra. And my Jesus.

I sat here tonight, curled up on our broken overstuffed chair that Kierra always used to hang out in and looked through her paintings. I was hoping it would make me feel closer to her. I was longing for one little touchable wonderful thing that was totally HER.

Like these sweet brush strokes.

They made me happy and I remembered how pleased she was to paint them. How she beamed and wiggled when Stephen complimented her on how awesome it was. But part of me was sad too. Because everything she did was through me. I helped her hold her brush. I dipped it in paint. I nudged her hand forward to swipe across the page.

And an awful lonely feeling plagued me. What had she left that that was truly her? What had she done that was JUST Kierra? I sat here, feeling lost and lonely and a bit upset at God. He had seen her first steps. Heard her first sentence. Didn’t I deserve that as a Mommy? Wasn’t she MY little girl? The one I had seen on the ultrasound, and heard her first cry? Gazed into her tiny scrunchy face? And felt my heart melt?

And it felt like there was nothing but memories left for me. Sometimes the grip of pain tries really, really hard to suck the breath clear out of the lungs.

I founds these words in her art book. And while I scripted them and drew the sun, I know without a shadow of a doubt that those are typical Kierra scribbles below.

I felt God whisper to me that I am more like Kierra then I will ever know. We all are.

“For in Him we LIVE and MOVE and have our being.”… KJV Bible

We couldn’t lift one little bitty finger or breath one whoosh of lung if it weren’t for our God. HE gives us the power and potential that carries us through our days. From when we wake to when we are asleep and all the time that morphs together between those hours. We are in His. In His total control. (And we think we have so much control over our bodies and emotions:). 🙂

HE gives us the courage and creativity to paint the canvas of our lives. HE gives us the intellect and laughter and compassion to live out our dreams. It’s all a Master piece. And while He never forces us to color in the lines, He does give us grace to allow Him to create beauty from our scribbling.

I think someday HE will make it up to us. (As if we are indebted to Him.) I can NEVER repay Him for the change and grace and forgiveness He has brought to my heart.

But honestly. I still sometimes feel a bit cheated that I never got to see my daughter fully express herself. You know what? Gods got a reason for what He does.

He never causes pain without some purpose. He does not waste tears or shrug off our grief. He has something “out of this world” beautiful in mind for you and me! He has a surprise we can’t begin to imagine. He created us exactly the way He wanted us. With our own unique longings and dreams and talents. Because we were created to glorify Him here on Earth…but ultimately , we were MADE for HEAVEN!!
And thats where we will find our deepest longings filled!!!
My little Kierra is living the dream! I can’t wait to join her!

Thoughts On Life

And Then It Was 2015

January 5, 2015October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler6 Comments

The New Year is technically over.
The goals made.
The holiday cheer still a lingering pleasantness.
Some tears cried.
And laughs shared.
Some good intentions broken.
Some plans penciled in the planner.

Our New Year was quiet. Relaxing. Reflective.
Oddly, though, I didn’t make any goals. Just the simple choosing of facing another year with courage. A smile. A thankful heart. And my God.

Last year, I dreaded 2014.
Something ominous seemed to hang over my head.
Something very sad DID Happen.
We lost Kierra.
But something even greater happened.
She is more alive then ever before.

And we are the ones still living the dream.

This year, a bit of the ‘dread spirit’ still hovers over me. May be I will struggle with it every New Year. Maybe I will need to make a conscience choice to choose Trust and Thankfulness.

But the joy will come. As sure as the sunrise.

We are working on a 2,000 piece puzzle right now.

It’s spread out over our little kitchen table.

It’s a great example of life. It’s all about not seeing the big picture. Noticing shades of dark and light. Watching patterns emerge. Conversing slowly. Finding patience. Persistence.

Nothing about rushing. Or a quick fix. A snap…or a click…with results.

It’s about perspective. Hope for a beautiful finish. Faith that the pieces will all be here. And fit together.

I must admit my husband is twice as good and devoted to the whole puzzle thing as I am. I bought it. He puts it together. I love watching him work his magic on the pieces 🙂 But it DOES make me feel accomplished to know that I helped…even if he is the actual brains to the complicated:)

Kobe is all into His alphabet puzzle train right now. What could be better then waffles and Thomas pjs and puzzles and being with the ones you love on New Year’s Day? 🙂

One of the biggest events for us in January is starting tomorrow. I plan to take CNA classes. I am so excited, and of course a good bit apprehensive.
Steve and I have had lots of discussions about this subject over the last months.
There are so many pros and cons. ‘What ifs.’ ‘Should I?’
We just couldn’t quite let it drop. It persisted in our thoughts and kept coming up in our conversations until we finally faced it square on, talked it out once again, asked The Lord for direction, and made a decision.

I would take the classes and start working (hopefully) ( if I pass:) part time. Steve and I would adjust our schedules (if/when I begin working) to cover Kobe’s care since it is very important to us that he and Steve and I are our top priorities. (in writing this I want to make it clear that this is not a reflection ,by any means, on those who put their children to the babysitter! 🙂

I don’t expect to fill the ‘Kierra hole’ in my heart by caring for others. I only hope to pass on a bit of the care that has been graciously given to us over the past years. Perhaps the knowledge and experience I gained in caring for my daughter can turn into a blessing to others as well.

So we are taking it a day at a time….a step at a time…..and praying God can use us all for His glory and to be the ‘hands and feet’ of Jesus.

So 2015…. Ready or not….here we come!

Wishing you all the grace and power of our Loving Father and God in the coming year….no matter what happens, heartbreak or amazing happiness…know that You are LOVED! And Heaven is waiting and will be so much more wonderful then anything we can hope or dream of!

Thoughts On Life

My Christmas Prayer For You

December 23, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

I just wanted to share this verse with you….a few days before Christmas.
This is intended to give you HOPE. This is my prayer for you. You who are facing life and it’s uncompromising hurts and HARD things.

Listen to this….

I pray that your Hearts
Would be flooded with LIGHT
So that you can UNDERSTAND
The CONFIDENT HOPE
He has given to those He called.

I pray also that you will understand
The incredible greatness
Of God’s POWER for us,
Who BELIEVE Him!

This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead…who fills all things everywhere with Himself.

Taken from Eph. 1.

Firmly embrace this day of light! And if today you are walking in the darkness of pain….know without a shadow of a doubt…as sure as the dawning sun…THE light WILL COME!!!

Our daughter is not with us for this Christmas, but her happiness is unparalleled, I know. I just had to share this lovely gesture of kindness and care that wonderful friends gave us.

Since we can’t visit Kierra’s grave this year, they did it for us. I cried when I got this photo texted to me. The lovely wreath matches the one that was delivered to our front door last year. The shiny pink ornaments are SO Kierra! And that darling white K. I don’t know if they have any idea the good this did to my heart.

There aren’t really words to describe how much it means when my sister stops in on a trip to PA to visit Kierra’s grave and leaves a poinsettia. When friends celebrate her life with this wonderful wreath. I ask God to bless them in a special way! A REALLY special way!!

Thoughts On Life · Uncategorized

BELIEVE and a Giveaway!

December 4, 2014 Anita Hochstetler52 Comments

It’s cold. It’s winter.

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!

And in just a few days, it will be another thing.

our seventh wedding anniversary.

I think this is the perfect time for a little give away to my lovely friends on this blog! So here it is…

A Christmas Light Canvas.

Read a bit farther to understand why I chose the word BELIEVE and to see how to enter the drawing to win.

I hope that this winter finds a glow in your heart. The privilege to BELIEVE. even when it’s hard.

A bit over 8 years ago, my Big Guy and I met for the very first time.

I from the East.

He from the West.

Just in case you didn’t know, I LOVE a happy, fuzzy romantic love story. One of our first ‘run ins’ was at the bottom of a Rocky Mountain foothill under a gorgeously lovely moon that was edging the frigid clear night with it’s impossibly soft warmth…..

a perfect set up for some heart sparks to fly.

Instead, I was bleeding red all over the front of Steve’s grey jacket and was convinced that every breath would be my last. That’s what happens when the most lovely innocent toboggan ride with girlfriends ends abruptly.That’s what happens when barbed wire meets face.

Cruel cold steel wired across flesh. And scars were created. It was ugly. And scary. And not at all what I planned.

I don’t believe in omens but do I believe in God’s omnipotent plan for our lives. Sometimes, in my wandering moments, I wonder if God was trying to tell us something way back then. That He makes beauty out of bloodshed. He keeps us breathing when we have no strength left to keep going.That life doesn’t always make rational sense.

Exactly a year after that accident, my heart had come a long way. I was learning trust and love and commitment and laying down silly notions and ideas. (yeah. i’m still working on that stuff:)

One thing was bigger then ever…those lovely heart sparks were flaming higher and hotter then ever! We were getting married!

December 7, 2006

The day I thought I would die.

December 7, 2007

The day I promised my life to the best Big Guy in the world.

happy happy wedding day!!!

(i laugh to think of all the near disasters that surrounded even that day)

The ironic thing was, the year before, I had gone west to teach a tiny school and carve out time with my Heavenly Father and try to figure out some hard questions of life. I wasn’t interested in guys.

But girls will be girls.

And when that true Love steals into your heart no matter how much you try to deny it….well, lets just say I was honored and thrilled!

It’s been seven years. There’s been bloodshed in our hearts. But there’s also been warm hugs that take in all the pain. So much love that pain morphs into beauty.

So many wonderful moments and happiness.

But we still live in a fallen world. As long as we are here, we face it.

Sometimes its hard to BELIEVE.

When I want my way and I don’t want to play fair and I am sure we are heading for disaster. When I let ridiculously small unimportant everyday things turn into a monstrous block wall. When I bang my head against it and wonder why it doesn’t budge. When I misunderstand.

It’s hard to believe.

When life hands me things I never asked for and warps my confidence that God is good. All the time.

It’s hard to believe.

When I don’t know what will happen next in life and it feels like your stuck in the waiting room. And you don’t want to be there.

It’s HARD to believe.

When others hurt and you can’t take away their pain.

It’s hard to BELIEVE!

I never would have believed my life if you had laid it out orderly for me while I was packing my bags for Montana 8 years ago.

It has been so wonderfully GOOD and GRAND!

But it’s also been brutally hard.

(Don’t we all have our own hard battle to face!?)

It is my life. And I embrace it.

Because I believe!

And that’s all because of God, my loving Father, who has PROMISED

(FOREVER AND ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT)

to keep me and never leave me.

My husband. My amazing wonderful Big Guy that has taught me to trust and love and given me a safe place for my heart to come home.

My angel cchildren in heaven

the Wee One we never met,

Kierra Raine.

who’s name is music to my ear

longing in my heart,

hope in my future.

Kobe Xander

who amazes me

challenges me

calls me Mom.

and I love like crazy.

I believe

because God has put so much love and peace and hope in the midst of the blood and tears.

I BELIEVE!

So here’s my wish for you this Christmas.

The chance to experience God.

And believe.

It’s something we must each do for ourselves.

Let me assure you. He will meet you and love you and forgive you.

He delights in you.

Just believe.

So here’s the deal.

This is a white canvas done in Silver script and snowflakes with 50 lights. It measures 16×20 in. and has easy access to the Christmas light’s plug.

Leave your name in the comments below to enter this giveaway. The winner will be announced on Monday, December 8.

I will contact the winner for their shipping address and you should receive it in no time at all 🙂

DIY Projects

Easy Christmas Light Canvas

December 4, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler1 Comment

To my friends who wanted step by step directions on making this super simple Christmas canvas…

Here are the supplies you will need.

16×20 in. white canvas

(available at Michael’s and other craft stores)

string of Christmas lights

( I used a 50 mini light string. you could try 100 count but it may be ALOT of lights! 🙂

Xacto pen, utility knife, skewer, or sharp knife

(to poke a small hole)

Silver Sharpie

Hot glue gun and glue

Lettering

The first step is to decide on a word you love. You can put it anywhere on the canvas. Center, off center, top, bottom, left, right..you get the idea 🙂

I have seen this done by using a lovely scripted word sticker. If you don’t feel steady in the hand today or have a lovely word on a sticker, you can always pop it on.

If you are free handing your letters, it may work best to start in the middle of the canvas with the middle letter(s) so it is spaced evenly. Be sure to use a pencil for the first script so you can make adjustments.

Finish out the word until you have it like you like it.

Now comes the fun with your silver sharpie.

be creative and add your own personal flair. There are so many fonts you can choose from!

Now flip the canvas around, hold it up to the light, and do a light, rough trace of the letters so you know where NOT to place your lights.

Now you are ready for your light placement. Try to stay away from ruining the script.

This part is a bit awkward so do it how you like, but this is the best way I found. Start up in the corner with your string of lights. Make sure your ‘plug in’ end will be at the bottom of the canvas. (Unless you want it elsewhere:) Make a small dot with your pencil in the upper corner where you will place your first light. Take your next light and place it a comfy distance from your first. Do not stretch the string of lights, or it will not fit nicely in the canvas. Jot a number at each hole so you can easily place your lights in the same hole later without trying to remember which order they fit best in.

Stagger the lights instead of going in straight rows to get a more creative look. I put some of mine in the middle of the lettering and also as close to the edge as possible to give it more ‘light coverage’.

After you have worked your way to the bottom,, take your SHARP and poke a little hole in each pencil dot.

You should have 50 holes. Now flip the canvas around and draw a snowflake over each hole with your silver Sharpie.

No two snow flakes are alike, you know 🙂

Now you are ready to poke a light through each hole. If you numbered your dots this part will go much faster 🙂 Push each light through it’s hole. It should look something like this when you are done.

I like to use my hot glue gun and glue each light into place so it doesn’t pull on the canvas, and it STAYS where it should. I had no problem with my glue melting later when I turned the lights on, just in case you wondered…like me 🙂

And here you’ve got the front…

and lit up…

and up close 🙂

Happy crafting!

This was one of my favorite projects. EVER!!! 🙂

I’d love to see a photo of yours!

Grief

Focus on LIFE

November 11, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler2 Comments

So maybe I’m repeating myself.
But when your husband brings you flowers on a cold wintery day…(he is THE BEST!)

And a friend stops by to give you a hug and make sure you are ok…
And you had just minutes before been sitting,watching a “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” music clip and tears were stealing down your face as you felt the loss this world has portioned out into your plate.

Well, I just had to share a tiny bit of heart here. Because right now I feel like I’m eating a big bite of unsalted undercooked Lima beans.
Gritty. Tough. Just yuck.
It’s rather awful because I have so much good going for me-gifted from my Father.
I seem to forget that big fat steaming fresh doughnut waiting at my elbow with the equally tantalizing coffee.
The cold Limas consume me.

I forget the joy and blessings life has served me when I get so focused on the loss.

You have a loss too. I just know you do. A broken promise. A dysfunctional family. A traumatic childhood. A great heartache. A love that is so big and strong it aches for the hurt of those in your life.

For me, it’s the loss of my dreams of a perfectly healthy baby girl. Way back over three years ago. The trauma of a screaming infant. The ‘temporary’ of our lives and the expected unexpected in her life. Missing out on lots of Kobe’s baby days because our daughter needed us. Hurting when she hurt physically and grieving for the joys she could never experience in this life. Being her voice and advocate and cheerleader. Watching and holding our breath over her development and lack of coordination and strange movements. When we just wanted to enjoy her and have a happy carefree life. The last years have taken more out of me then I understand. I feel robbed. Cheated. And underneath that I feel selfish for feeling robbed when it was my daughter that had to suffer. But she was part of us. What hurt her hurt us, and I’m back to the age old wondering of what God is actually working to accomplish here in this mess that is called grief and disappointment.

But I cringe at my own words. Because while they are true on one awful level, they are also totally counteracted on the next. And the pain becomes tremendous gain. I have been given a priceless gift to be the Mommy of an angel daughter. Our little girl made me look at life through a totally different window. She brought so much beauty through the pain. So much peace through the tears. So much love to our Kobe. So much Kierra to our lives. So much courage in a messed up world. I am more certain of guardian angels that stand beside our children then I ever was in my life. I ache for her and her amazing beauty. Her radiant smile.

I sat and held Kobe as he tried to open his tired sleepy naptime eyes and I knew without a shadow what I needed to do.

Focus on the gain
Instead of the pain.

I have so very very many blessings. A wonderful husband. A darling three year old. Friends. And all the things that make me comfy in life. I choose to thank God for that.
Joy is a choice.
I choose it for my heart….and pray that it reaches my eyes.
So my friend….

Life is all about perspective. Focus. What we choose to dwell on until it becomes our identity. While I never want to lose that ‘Kierra part of me’, I also need to let go of the hurt and let the beauty we were so extremely blessed with for three and a half years fill my days and change my perspective.

Like the song writer I sing in my soul…
“And I said to myself ,’what a wonderful world’!”

Finding Yourself

A Solo Date

November 1, 2014October 31, 2019 Anita Hochstetler2 Comments

I am sitting by myself in Barnes n Nobles for the first time in years, or maybe in all of my history 🙂
I brought this…

And bought this…

And looked at this…

Something to eat
(Chocolate)

Something to talk to
(Sometimes my journal is my best therapist :))

Something to do
(Create cards from Michaels clearance rack :))

Something to hope for
(A gorgeous cookbook and a positive note from wheelchairs)

I helped Steve do a lawn job this morning and now I’m having some “quiet, do something relaxing, ” time while he mows another lawn.

Kobe is coming in to town later today with friends. Bless their kind hearts for watching him this chilly morning!

Sometimes when life hands you uncontrollable (or common everyday the same) events, the best thing to do is take some time out and rest awhile in your own space. Maybe that is a coffee shop, a book store, (ME!) a garden, a long hot bath, or an art museum.

Take a bit of time to be kind to yourself. Sit and honestly ask yourself how you are doing. You can even have a conversation with yourself in your journal. Just like you would for a friend.
What would you tell your friend if they were having a rough day?

“I believe in you.”
“You are loved.”
“It’s OK to hurt.”
“Here. Cry for awhile.”(as you hand her a box of tissue)
“Gods not going to let you go. ”
“He won’t love you more or less by your honesty.”
“You are doing a good job in life.”

How about telling yourself the same things?
If you are anything like me, you are your own best critic. (Yep, I’m sure someone else has the original to that quote 🙂 ) but honestly. We are so harsh with ourselves at times. We forget that by being honest with ourselves we can be honest with others. That taking time to understand why we are hurting is more valuable then beating ourselves up because we snapped at our children (again!) for some minor bit of childishness.

Often the “straw that broke the camels back” is actually not the problem. It’s something else that carries much more weight at the root of the load we are carrying. While we can give our burdens to Jesus, and rest on Him, we are still faced with all the elements that make up life. Family. Work. Decisions. Friendships. Grocery shopping. The list goes on. It gets much more complex. Sickness. Wandering souls. Disappointments. Death.

We are so good at holding on to pieces of hurt and pain and fear. Until we break. Thankfully, that’s what our Saviour specializes in. Broken lives and hearts and people.

Today I am taking some time to sit and think about my own life. To do something I love. To get to know myself a bit better. To bring the broken to God. To have my hope renewed through Him.

Because. HE is understanding Loving Hope.
And He makes me new.
Ready to face life a bit more steadily…
Take some time off for yourself, my friend. It is one of the kindest things to can do to yourself and those you love.