I’ve tried writing this about 5 times and nothing comes out right, so I’ll quit trying to sound correct or proper or what I think people want to hear and we’ll see how it flows 🙂
The good news is that Kierra is tolerating 19 ml of very watered down formula an hour. Our goal is 47ml. She is ‘just on the verge’ of not being OK with it, but we keep creeping along.
She was in awful pain last night and I dreaded the night with all my heart. Partly because the night before had been really tough and because I was exhausted and I didn’t feel like dealing with this any more and I didn’t want to NOT deal with this, because the unknown and the oppiste of dealing with it looked too scary.
I probably need to stop and process my feelings and emotions, but right now I don’t feel like doing that right now either. (i need to go calm Kierra, be back soon…or maybe not 🙂
So here’s the deal. If Kierra cannot tolerate enough of any kind of formula, we are headed for some hard desicions. The only other option for her sustance is a more permanent line that would sustain her with IV fluids. That would be a huge step because when we do that, we are entering another whole level of health care. And we are not at all sure we want to put her through all that.
It’s more then just what we want for her in life. It’s what BEST for her.
That’s a hard choice for any parent to make and like our Doctor has told us in the past, “there is no right or wrong choice here.”
We need to do what we feel is the best for her and us. We need to get out of our own heads and into hers. And pray.
Yeah. That prayer thing is pretty hard to do sometimes. I think maybe I would call it more Breathing. Like being linked to God with our breathes…so close that He knows what we’re thinking and feeling.
I must be rather thick sckulled because I didn’t even really consider that this Jtube thingy wouldn’t work for Kierra until yesterday.
Then I suddenly realized how much is riding on this whole ‘tolerating her formula’ thing.
I honestly just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind. Because I don’t really want to spend time worrying and obsessing over it when it hasn’t even come to that point yet. It’s just that I don’t want to be caught off guard either.
Right now, we are headed in the right direction…and we will pray hard that God would keep moving her digestive system along and we could get out of here with a happy little girl in a few days. Will you join us?
Yesterday a Kate and Katrina came to see us and we drank tea and talked and Katrina played harp music and Kate read me a wonderful portion from One Thousand Gifts. It was about the Israelites and how God sent them manna for so many years and the meaning of manna is literally what is this? Sometimes the things in life are literally a big question of What Is This? that You are doing God? Right now, we choose to trust the heart of God. Because we know of no other larger, more compassonite, more perfectly wonderfully, right heart to trust.
Kate and Katrina didn’t even freak out when Kierra kicked her IV apart and there was blood dripping all over and the nurses came scurrying in and we held her firmly as they salvaged the IV ( PTL! a miracle in itself!) and retaped and swaddled her foot again. 🙂
Then today, Sadie and Brenda came with cheer and love and we bathed Kierra and went out to lunch in Brenda’s cute diesel Jetta 🙂 Thanks for taking pictures, Sadie! They are so special to me!
My parents were here so they stayed with Kierra while I took a nap at RM House. They drove over 4 hours just to see us and give me a break. Thanks Mom and Dad!!! It meant so much!!!!
Now tomorrow night, I’m hoping to see my Better Half 🙂 and my little two year old that I miss frightfully.Phone converstaion just doesn’t always ‘cut it’ anymore.
Tranquil rest to you all…snuggle deep in God’s Love and Peace!