Healing Heart

Alive

It’s the twelfth day of 2020.

It’s taken me 12 days to put words to the thoughts in my head.

And even now, they come out stumbly and awkward.

It’s Sunday evening and it’s black dark outside and the temperature is plummeting below zero.

It’s January and 6 years ago, on this very day I was bringing our three year old daughter home from another hospital stay with no idea that in a few short weeks, she would physically leave us for the rest of our earthly lives.

I wept as I drove home in the gathering dusk earlier tonight, after picking up Vitamin C and Echinacea and Throat Coat tea for my son.

I wept because I wanted to spend another day or month or year or forever with our daughter ALIVE.

I wept because I miss the feminine, sweet, little girlishness she brought into our lives.

Sometimes death feels so dead.

I know there is always Life somewhere.

I just need to choose to see it.

This year, I chose the word ALIVE as my focus.

Not because I wanted to hide the pain of death. Not because I want to live every day in a flurry of activity or growth.

I chose it because I want to remind myself of LIFE.

I want to remind myself that no matter how my heart and emotions feel, I am vitally ALIVE.

I have been making a running record in my journal of proof that I am ALIVE.

Some may think it a gratitude list if they saw it.

It’s more then that to me. While I’m grateful for everyone of those things I list, it’s also proof to me that LIFE is still happening. Right this minute.

Dirt under fingernails.

Homes for crickets.

Green in Winter.

I stand with myself and weep in the death of our daughter. It’s a healthy thing to grieve. But death can be so much more then physical death.

Death can be lived in the heart and the mind and this is where I stand my ground and come ALIVE.

I refuse to be soul stuck in the clutches of shame and fear and selfish thinking. I refuse to ruminate on things I cannot change. I refuse to believe my self worth is based on my emotions and thoughts and others opinion of me. I refuse to manipulate myself and others by doing and saying things in a passive aggressive manner. I refuse to allow other people’s issues to control my own personal mental and physical health.

I will fall down flat often this year. I know I will. But I also known that I am not the sum total of my mistakes.

Falling does not mean I am dead. It means I am human and it means I have an opportunity to grow.

I am reminding myself of my own humanity and my own power …through the wonderful grace of my Creator.

I am reminding myself by writing lists about being ALIVE.

Steamed cream in my coffee. So frothy and smooth on my tongue.

The ache in my shoulders after a day of work.

Fractured morning light on the living room wall.

The smell of icy winter.

The way my son lies, breathing in and out.

Sleep music wafting through the room.

Footsteps of my husband downstairs.

Writing down the present makes me more aware. It reminds me of the important things happening all around me and keeps me from getting stuck on things I cannot change. Things in the past. Things in the future. Things in the present that are out of my control.

I want to be ALIVE this year.

To listen without judgment.

To give true empathy without patronizing or trying to fix things.

I want to feel my heart healing.

I want to watch the woman inside of me blossoming.

I want to own my story and live my present.

I want to feel the joy and the hard and the mundane.

I want to remind myself that ALIVE is what my soul is. That no death will take that from me.

Death is conquered already. My Divine Creator is the essence of ALIVE and He has invited me into His presence.

ALIVE .

EMBRACE IT. THIS ONE WONDERFUL MIRACULOUS LIFE.

Grief

Hearts At Home

I lay this morning in that quietness between sleep and fully awake and I held as still as possible and willed myself to stay there. 

I had been dreaming of my daughter, and I was holding her again. 


We were in the hospital, and she was very sick. So sick that she lay in the hospital bed, with lots of tubing and she was restless. I scooped her up, and held her, her back against my chest, her sweat little head under my chin, and she calmed down and relaxed and rested so sweetly and I wanted to sit there forever.

There was a deep deep peace in my dream and it should not have been there. When do you feel deep peace in a hospital room with a critically ill child? 

The peace I felt in my dream….I can explain it in only word. HOME.

My heart was at home. Everything else seemed to fade. And it was Kierra and I….our hearts together, and not time or death or medical intervention or white sterile rooms could destroy that peaceful feeling of HOME. 

My words are so tiny and course to describe that epiphany. 

(Epiphany : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience ) 

It reminds me of this verse: Romans 8:38,39 (caps mine)

And I am CONVINCED that NOTHING can ever separate us from Gods love. Neither DEATH nor LIFE, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today, or our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from Gods love.

No power in the sky above, or in the earth below- indeed nothing in ALL creation will EVER BE ABLE to separate us from the LOVE of GOD that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

My heart was so at rest, that I could have stayed there forever and been perfectly content. That’s the feeling I got. There was stress and hard things all around me. My husband and Kobe were very alive in my heart, but they were not Kierra and holding her at that moment in my dream made my heart feel  HOME , because that is what I had been missing so much in my life and at that precise moment, that was all that mattered. My whole body relaxed and my heart rested. It was where it was meant to be. 

I didn’t know what I had been longing for….there was a hole in my heart that I didn’t realize was affecting me in so very many different ways. It literally touched every area of my life. Like a fragrance you could not see but was all around you, every moment  of every day. An ache I knew was there, but was oblivious to the completeness it brought me when it was filled. And I never wanted to leave. 

Isn’t that the longing of our hearts for God- our Father. And that aroma an example of His grace and Love  that fills every single moment of our life. At the same time,  I can’t wait to get to Heaven and have that COMPLETENESS He has promised that we don’t even really understand that we are missing. 

I think God gave me that dream out of His loving Father heart. A picture of how it will feel when we get to Heaven and are enfolded in His loving arms. I know He is a High and Holy God and we will bow at His feet in awe and worship and adoration. But I think we will also feel like we have finally come HOME. He has not promised to be our Father for nothing….I will be their Father and they will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD ALMIGHTY.

He longs for the day when He can take our hurt, broken, earth sick hearts into His arms and make them whole. We will never want to leave His arms. He delights over us. He longs to hold us even more then we long to be held. ( how is that possible?) He knows our weakness. The pain that we cannot express to anyone. Just as my Kierra had no words to tell us of her pain…we have no words adequate to speak of our own brokenness and deepest hurts and longings. But that doesn’t matter to God. His love engulfs us. His arms surround us. His heart is for us. And someday, I want to reach out, and be embraced by the One who created me. The One who alone can make each of us whole again. Who can give us what we have no idea that we are missing. The one who shows us what Home really means….for all Eternity. 

Please understand, that Kierra is not my whole life. My Stephen, and my Kobe, and my Wee One in Heaven, my family and friends here, they all matter incredibly much. They each have a place in my heart that would leave a huge hole if they were gone. But today, I can hold my Kobe, I can hug my Stephen. I can physically reach  out and feel their love. That soothes the longing within me. I think someday, though, in that HOME, we will actually see clearly…face to face and my love for them (and all my friends and family) will take on new dimensions that I have no idea even exist today. 

And the best part…..we will be HOME as in perfect peace, never leave, stay forever, heart at rest, satisfied and loved and held. Honoring, praising , worshiping and glorifying our Father and King. 

We will NEVER want to leave. 

And there will be no waking to having it all a dream. 

We will be LIVING -ACTUALLY LIVING the DREAM!!

Grief

Glory In the Hurt

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The leaf is dressed in glory.

As it dies.

I wonder if It likes the different ‘Me.’

If leaves could think.

I do believe they would agree,

the dying to their former color

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brings out the golden glory.

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And beautifies the dying.

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It is nearly 9 months since our daughter took her first steps in heaven. Since I have begun getting to know what life is like without her. Since I have been introduced to a different ‘Me.’

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The following song has spoken to me so very often. Sometimes its a bit hard to put words to my deep feelings but following the lyrics below is a bit of my own struggle to accept and embrace this new life that is ‘Me.’

“The Hurt & The Healer”

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from being explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it’s rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

Thanks to Jessie for adding these lyrics.
Thanks to Mike Benkert, Jim Mahan for correcting these lyrics.

I don’t know this new me yet.

She surprises me

confuses me

amazes me

angers me

hurts me.

She IS me.

And I don’t know what to do with her.

I can’t get away from her.

Just as I think she has morphed into a tidy bit of womanly,

she throws out a new curve and leaves me

dazed

lonely

confused

scared.

I can’t out think her

out sleep her

out smart her

or out last her.

So I must embrace her.

And learn to know her.

I must be gentle

and real

(not live in a dream of who I think she should be)

and honest.

Forgive her

(that’s myself I’m talking about)

Accept her.

Even if I do not understand her.

( my poor husband 🙂

Because God has brought her on a journey.

He has plans for her that I can only trace the very fringes of.

So I will lay out the pieces of yesterday

on my own familiar kitchen table

and give them to her Creator.

(He is a Master Chef at creating beauty and completion from messes)

The new and the old and the not understood all laid out before God.

Her loving heavenly Father who knows more about her then she can imagine.Who understands the deepest part of her that is beyond her reach to know.

Someday, she will see clearly.

“I shall know and understand fully and clearly even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].”

1 Corinthians 13:12 Amplified Bible

Did you get that? It doesn’t say we will BE UNDERSTOOD then. It says we ARE UNDERSTOOD now. I think that means In our present moment. With our present mess of ourselves.

Rest assured today, Dear Soul!

God understands you. You may lay it all out to Him. He won’t be surprised or confused or shocked at you. He knows you already.

He understands.

He is longing to help you.

To simply love you.

To give you rest and peace in Him.

The joy of His presence.

And the hope of truly knowing and finding His fullness filling our being in heaven some glorious day!

just give it to Him.

Grief

Lovely Ladies and A Fairy Garden

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I was surrounded by these lovely ladies on Kierra’s birthday. We had a sweet time together. Brenda brought a huge bouquet of flowers over in the morning for us since she couldn’t be there for the tea party.

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She is in our ‘small group’ at church and has a wonderful green thumb. Aren’t these yellow wild flowers just beautifully vibrant! She started them from Kierra’s seeds at the funeral.

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They look very much like that first lone wild flower I saw at the hospital the day Kierra entered our world, 4 years ago. Steve and I planted our flower she gifted us with at Kierra’s grave.

We ladies sat around Sadie’s wonderful dining room table and ate yummy sweet watermelon, fresh cucumbers with cream cheese and pepper jelly, and tiny cakes. We drank iced lattes and cried and talked and laughed.

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The little ones had a  party in the living room , while Alisha and Katrina watched that they didn’t spill and ran outside with them when they were finished.

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I had been dreading this first birthday without Kierra so much. It helped to have kind friends that cared about my heart and my loneliness and loved me through it. All through the joy of celebrating her happiness and freedom in heaven was the sad heaviness of the trauma she had to go through here on earth. That hurt more than anything. There is that hopeless feeling that a parent lives with when they watch their children suffer. Life is just so cruel at times. Even if God is always good, life itself is just SO. NOT. FAIR. to those we love.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the greatest birthday gift we could have given Kierra this year, was Heaven. Once again, life doesn’t make sense. How can something that makes her so supremely, perfectly happy make us so incredible lonely and sad?

Highs and lows.

Mountains and valleys.

We cannot experience either of them fully without being willing to plunge into the other at sometime.

Christene and her sisters gave me the sweetest little pair of white dancing shoes for Kierra. They wanted to remind me that she is truly happy and dancing in heaven! Tears! I missed getting a photo of the shoes, but they truly ARE just darling!!! It blessed me so much.

I had come across these wonderful little fairy gardens on Pintrest one day awhile ago. Since our life has consisted of lots of moving, I thought it would be the PERFECT little bit of a Kierra memory. A garden so tiny, we could carry it with us over the years, and so lovely it would be like a dream come true to imagine strolling through it.The other ladies had other obligations, but Sadie and I went on a shopping spree to a nearby green house.

We had so much fun picking out adorable little chairs, and darling plants. Sadie had a big wooden bowl that we spray painted and filled with moist top soil.

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Isn’t this itty bitty plant just exquisite!!!!

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Kobe picked out a frog to add to it.

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He had the time of his life arranging and rearranging.

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We built a little patio with small rocks for the table and chairs.

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Of course there had to be a pool. Kierra would have LOVED that! Water always relaxed her.

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We’ve added a bit more since this photo. It looks even better now 🙂 but this at least gives you a picture of what it looks like. Just so sweet. Talk about more healing to my heart!

Sadie so kindly cooked supper for us that night and Steve came over after work to eat. It was wonderful food and we had a great time!

Afterward, Steve, Kobe, and I stooped at Kierra’s grave on the way home. We got this little girl to leave there as a reminder of  how supremely happy she is.

Kobe totally fell in love with her. He called her ‘Kierra’ and couldn’t stop hugging and kissing her.

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He wanted to hold her hand and sing songs to her.

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We sang happy Birthday to Kierra. I think it helped Kobe feel better…and maybe me too 🙂

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We couldn’t leave the little girl there since she wasn’t heavy enough to stand safely if a stray dog or big gust of wind came along, so we brought her home until we figure out a solution.

A few days later, a pink poppy bloomed from the wildflower seeds. Isn’t that just so sweet! I didn’t know there were pink poppies…maybe God  had a special selection of pink poppies planned for that seed package we got for Kierra’s little sachets.

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He truly WILL make ALL things beautiful…in His time!

I am hanging onto hope.

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Special Kids · Uncategorized

Kierra Runs

How do you pack love into 24 hours? Enough love to last a life time? It’s totally, 100% impossible. Every moment seems like hours and yet passes in a breathe.

Knowing that Kierra likely wouldn’t get better was horrible. Watching her die brought on a whole new meaning of unbearable.

The crazy thing about it was the peace and strength that held us up when our hearts and lives were totally falling apart. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the same strong arms that are holding Kierra are the same ones that held us together that last day and also the ones that are holding us now. Even when the coldness creeps into your heart and seeps into all the tiny cracks and you think you will never be warm again. Jesus, our Creator, is still there. Forever and always.

I really have no idea what to write about that last day because it all blurs together in my mind. I am so thankful we had it though. That we could hug our darling and kiss her and tell her she didn’t have to be afraid and that Jesus was waiting for her. My family got to come see her one last time, and friends that meant the world to her came and gave her sweet little face one last kiss.

On Tuesday when I took her to the ER, I was expecting to have a belly X-ray done to check the placement of her feeding tube. She was breathing very rapidly, but she has done that before, so I wasn’t overly concerned about it. I still can barely wrap my mind around why this time, she got so bad. so fast.

The ER doctors ordered a Vaportherm for her. She’s been on this before. It is a higher, more forceful, vaporized flow of oxygen. After being on that for a few hours, she seemed more comfortable, but was still breathing as rapidly as ever, around 80 breathes a minute. (yep, that IS super fast!) They tried several times to get an IV in, but her veins always blew for them. Finally, a nurse from PICU came down, and with an ultrasound machine, she found a vein, and inserted a line. We were SO thankful! However, it was a very temporary vein, and had the risk of blowing at any time.

In order to get her breathing stabilized, the Respiratory Therapist tried putting her on a CPAP machine. This is an oxygen type mask that goes over the mouth and nose to provide additional oxygen flow and ‘umph’. She absolutely HATED it and would under no circumstances tolerate it.

You know your child is critically ill when your room is suddenly teaming with Doctors from all over the hospital and medical personnel and your ears begin to ring and the room gets stifling hot and you grab hold of the last shreds of your mind power that remains and tell yourself firmly, “GET HOLD OF YOURSELF.”

All I had to do was take one look at the Doctor’s faces to see the fine tension lining them. When Kierra’s kidney Doctor that we have known since we began her care in Delaware, stepped into the room I saw a new sadness around his eyes. There were actually TWO kidney Doctors there. Both wonderful caring physicians who have been so supportive and helpful. My mind felt like it was about 10 leaps behind what my eyes were seeing. I was seeing reality in their faces, but my heart and mind were still way back the road,stuck at the yellow light of ‘she is just a bit sick’.

That red light was actually flashing steadily. I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

The Critical Care Doctors took over and Kierra was rapidly whisked up to ICU. I still honestly had no clue how bad she was. Steve had tried calling me in the middle of the hubbub and I wasn’t really making much sense to him and told him I would call him back later.

Kierra LOVED the ride up to PICU. Arms thrown wide out, little head turning happily from side to side, she was thrilled with the whoosh of air over her face. No one was messing with her face or poking needles into her arms and feet.She didn’t care that she was causing alot of rapidly flying hands and feet. She was a little Princess, snuggly with her pink blanket, having the ride of her life.

I even attempted a little joke about it. The hospital staff glanced at me sideways. They most likely thought i was one loco mommy.  🙂

When we got to the quiet of the ICU room, the Attending Critical Care Doctor took one look at her and shook his head. He said he has seen this before. When children this young are working this hard to breathe, they literally wear out. She may last for two hours. Or overnight at the most.

Six hours after her first x-ray, a repeat x-ray showed a total haziness over her lungs compared to a bit of haziness at the bottom of her lungs. The infection was spreading at a deadly rate.

We had a really tough choice to make. If we wanted to give her a chance of survival, we had to move fast. I left the room to give Steve a call. I tried hard to hold myself together. To at least make sense, but my mind was spinning so fast, and that awful ringing was echoing in my head again. Steve hadn’t been  planning to come down for the night, but those plans changed really fast! I asked him if the Doctor could please talk to him, since I wasn’t sure how accurately I could tell him what was wrong.

The Doctor, a social worker, and I made a conference call to him in a small family room. It helped to hear it all repeated, slowly, in comprehensive language. The Doctor did an amazing job of being clear and concise and not wasting words. We had two options. keep her as comfy as possible, and expect her to likely pass away by morning, or insert a more stable central line into a main artery and give her a chance to fight the infection. They made it very clear that she likely would not make it even with a central line, but by having that line, they would have much better access in giving her antibiotics, pain meds, and blood draws. In order to put the line in, she would need to be sedated. In order to safely do this procedure, she would need to be intubated. ( put on life support) They also warned us there was a very good chance she would not be able to successfully come off the life support. Her lungs may never recover sufficiently to breathe on their own again.

The social worker was so wonderfully supportive and kept telling me she would be here with us to support us no matter what happens. Once again, my brain was screaming at her “Nothing is GOING to happen! You don’t know Kierra. She is a FIGHTER!” But my face just tried to smile and said “Thankyou!” because reality was staring me in the eyes.

We decided to put the central line in, and give her about 24 hours , then remove the breathing tube. That central line sounded very attractive to us. We didn’t want her to have to suffer, and since her IV line was so precarious, we didn’t want to risk the chance of having no access to her for pain medication. I was DONE with having her poked and pricked. I was not having it ONE MORE TIME anytime soon. With a central line, we were hoping to give her the best level of comfort possible.

The Doctors set the wheels in motion. I cried a bit on Carolyn’s shoulder and told her she could take our van home. Steve was on his way down, and I had alot of ugly, hard calls to make. I wasn’t even sure I could hold it together enough to make any sense on the phone. I imagined how this news would ‘ruin’ so many peoples nights, and I felt sorry for that too. I wished I could just crawl into bed with Kierra and make this all go away.

I never did muster the courage to call my family. I think God knew I needed a call from them. My sister, Karen called to see how Kierra was doing, and I broke the hard news to her with much more calmness then I dreamed possible.

Steve finally arrived and we walked down the hallway to Kierra’s room together. She was resting so peacefully, her breathing regulated by the breathing machine. She looked so comfortable and relaxed and I immediately noticed her cute little nose that had been covered with an oxygen canula for so long. Even with all the tape and the tube in her mouth, she looked absolutely darling adorable to me.

That night, Steve and I took turns staying with her. We tried to get a bit of rest because we had no idea what was coming the next day. She kept trying very hard to wake up and they had to give her sedatives often to keep her calm and comfortable. She would squeeze our fingers, and even open her eyes and gaze around. I snuggled up as close to her as I could for awhile and she rested well. As soon as I sat up, she started thrashing around, and fighting her tube. She was still very much aware of what was going on around her!

Dads. Joe and Mona, Jason and Karen, and Warren and Dorcas all came up the next day. It was a very tough, emotional, precious day. We sang her favorite “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”.

A repeat x-ray did not show much improvement. We had a conference with Kierra’s medical team around lunch time.  There was little chance of her recovering. We knew God could still heal her if He chose to, but we didn’t want to keep her on the breathing tube as life support. Now that we had a central line, we felt we needed to remove the tube. We decided to do it around 7PM. That would give Kobe and anyone else time to come to the hospital to say Goodbye. Steve and I took a little break after the meeting and tried to grasp the reality we were facing. We were strangely both starving hungry. So hungry we were light headed. (Isn’t that just weird!) We went down to the cafeteria with Dorcas and Warren and ate enough to keep us going.

Linda and her girls brought Kobe down in the afternoon. The Child Life Specialists came by and did some fun painting projects with the children and took a mold of Kierra’s hand prints.

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We all helped to make a big family tree with our thumbprints. Kobe was thrilled with the finger paints and I know Kierra would have loved it too if she had been awake enough to talk! Painting was always one of her favorite things to do.

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Kierra was sedated very heavily part of the time, and other times, she would move enough to let us know she could hear us. She always loved her Grandpa’s special whistle he had for her. She stirred happily when she heard it. Just like this picture of her and her night nurse… she is peeking her eyes open, wishing she could give a kiss back.

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Sadie sang her a song and talked to her. Kierra gave her a little wiggle.

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Then way too soon, we had to help Kobe tell her Good- Bye.

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Kobe did so well with all the tubes and lines, but I could tell, deep in His eyes, that he was sad and felt like something was wrong. He prayed for her often!

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Mervs took him home and tucked him gently into bed.

The next hours were the worst of our whole lives. Our family waited for us patiently in the family room. It was torture for them as well. I was hoping for some grand lifting or revelation or holy experience at the end of her life. There was nothing except the hard sounds of her labored breathing, and the soft flow of tears from our eyes. I think I heard our hearts breaking too.

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At first, she did OK with her oxygen. And snuggled into our arms.last days 043

But after awhile, she became very agitated. It got to the point where we removed the canual and just kept a ‘blow by’ there to give her little poofs to help her settle. The nurse gave her morphine at frequent intervals. We were so thankful we could be in the hospitle with a wonderful medical staff to keep her comfortable.

We told her how much we loved her and that she could go to Jesus and didn’t have to be afraid.

It felt so horribly wrong. Holding your little three year old, with a whole room full of medical, life saving equipment at our finger tips. All we could do is weep and tell her over and over how much we loved her. We were letting her go. Because no matter how much we longed to keep her, we knew she would be so much happier.

My thoughts went all over creation in those three hours.I felt like leaping up and running away. A whole world away from this painful scene. My head was screaming at me to do something, but my heart was reminding me of another scene.

A scene where pain and love met thousands of years ago. Where God turned His back on His Son. And let Him die. So that New Life could be born. Jesus loved us so much that He died for us, with all our human sinfulness. And God let Him.

That just blows my mind!

It’s  the only reason we can be in heaven with Him and our Kierra someday. Surely I could trust the heart of the One who watched His very own Son suffer to death. It didn’t make any sense. It felt SO WRONG. But at the same time, it was the only love we had left to give our daughter.

The love of freedom. For ever FREEDOM.

So we held her through the last hours of her life.

When the nurse came in to reconnect her silenced monitors, we asked her when we would know that she was gone. Her breathes were coming farther and farther apart. Just when we thought she was gone, she would breathe again. We could hear the fluid, rising in her lungs. The suspense was brutal. The nurse kindly told us that when her heart stopped beating, she was gone. (amazing how the simplest facts elude you at times like this).

I had given Kierra to Steve to hold sometime in the middle of the three hours. I could tell that she immediately relaxed when she was nestled in his arms. It was where she needed to be. Where she wanted to be. her daddy was her Hero!

Now as her breathing became farther and farther apart, I laid my hand over her little heart. I was amazed at that strong little pitter pat that played against my fingertips. It was beautiful. Just as a mother never forgets that patter of kicks in the womb, so I will never forget that delicate pitter pat against my fingertips. It literally felt like music.

Then suddenly, with no warning. It was gone. And I whispered brokenly. “Run! Run to Jesus!”

And He took her up in His arms…

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I know she is safe. Forever. Even if we miss that sweet cuddly little girl.

My family and Merv and Linda came in after she had flown to heaven and hugged us and held her and wept with us. They even managed to sing a sweet song before they left for their own families, who needed them.

We were so totally weary, we could barely put one foot in front of the other. We left the daughter we knew all tucked into a clean bed, her hands sweetly folded one last time. The hospital hallway seemed endless and each step away from her weighed a ton, but we made it. Down the elevator. Out to the car. And crashed into a hotel bed a few miles down the road. We were too exhausted to even think of going home until we had slept a bit. We did sleep, although the reality hit us UGH! in the face again in the morning.

So many plans waited our attention. So many comforting arms and caring hearts. So many people that were the hands and feet of Jesus to us. So many acts of kindness were showered on our bewildered hearts. We can’t thank you enough.

The hurting isn’t gone yet, but I think the healing has begun.

It will take until Eternity to be completely healed, though! Because we were created for so much more then all of this life.