Finding Yourself

Confession of A Control Freak Spirit

So I just had to share this little ( or huge) gem I found this morning.

As some of you know, we are in the middle of making some BIG decisions right now. A large part of it is moving out of our ‘temporary’ life into a more settled place. The past three and a half years we’ve been ‘going with the current’, doing whatever needed being done for Kierra. I didn’t want to come to this place in life so quickly, but here we are….so we will deal with it.

This past week, we have been especially praying about our future. By the end of the week, I was like a ticking time bomb.

Before I go farther…let me tell you that ONE sentence in life can make a huge impact on someone. A bunch of them all strung together through a persons days can lead to new sights and understandings.

Like my friend, who asked me, “isn’t that control?” when I was being all bemoany about our situation.

Like the new friend I met that told me her “friend turned into a beautiful strong woman and ‘found’ herself” (or who God had created her to be) through a very difficult time.

I borrowed a book from Sadie recently and was reading through it randomly.

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It’s like God opened my eyes for the first time in years to a BIG ugly problem I had, that I thought I DID NOT have!
Control.
Passively controlling situations in life was my specialty. Using all kinds of ways in my husband’s life and others around me, that would tip the scale in MY favor (hopefully).

Now I know we all have our sides we don’t want people to look closely at or see. But honestly? My side like that was really, really ugly. Guess what? Most times, it was when I felt out of control. I tried for years to ‘get over it’. I apologized and cried and begged God to help me. I promised to do better and sobbed in frustration and self loathing.

On Monday, I realized for the first time, that my way of controlling was SIN. And I needed to repent. So I treated it like SIN instead of an ugly bad habit. I repented and asked God’s forgiveness.

And I will be honest here…Part of me was paranoid of letting go. I had cloaked my control into tidy little words like
“I feel SO responsible!” (So it’s ok to stand firmly on my opinion).
Or “I just CANNOT be happy and OK in this situation right now. ”
Or “I HAVE to be a better Christian”
The list could go on and on.
I would even press My husband to make a decision under the pretence of
” if you decide what to do, then I will know if I should deep clean my house now or later.”
Now there’s nothing wrong with that statement alone, but guess what? I was tying to control him and make him feel like he NEEDS to decide because I, Myself, and ME wanted to know what was happening next in life…not so much wether I should clean now or later!

By the way, my husband has been so kind to me over all these years…even when I was holding back my ‘trust’ but still outwardly submitting. I thank God for him!

Letting go of all my little apprehensions and fears…taking them to Jesus, and not hanging onto them for dear life looks scary. But wow! The FREEDOM and REST!

This morning I found some verses that reminded me of my controlling spirit…

All you who light fires and provide yourself with flaming torches,
Go,
Walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hands.
You shall lay down in torment.
Isaiah 50:11

Now I don’t think one needs to passively sit through life, or close their eyes to sin, saying it is out of their control, but honestly, it is TORMENT to think you have to be in control and always figuring everything out and looking at all the angles of every situation in fear that God will forget to show you a hidden little side to it.

It is literally peaceful to ask God to show Steve exactly what He wants us to do, and then relax in going along with that decision and not worry that it will be the wrong one.

Here’s a verse in the same chapter of Isaiah that is in stark contrast.

“Let him who walks in the dark
Who has no light,
Trust in the name of The Lord,
And rely on His God.”

That’s my motto today…
Until God shows us what we should do….I want to relax. To let go. To trust in the name of The Lord, because He promised,

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Finding Yourself

Of Coffee, Books, and Art

  Oh wonderful Saturday! What more could i ask of thee then slow hours of quiet wanderings with my Man?

   We needed a breather in this daily routine that so rapidly had become a grind….the early morning darkness of leaving for work, the long days of laboring in the elements and toys and dishes and laundry and whining and tears of kids and wondering

if you are doing enough

and when it is too much

and which direction you should target your energy toward next.

The endless medication syringes and feeding pump checks and reordering of formula and feeding bags and oxygen and more medication. The evenings of keeping our One Year Olds  tears at bay and  from totally demolishing our house until he drops into bed, exhausted. The whimpering and tossing of the Two Year Old as she tries to find a comfortable position in your arms, now on the couch, now in her chair, and finally, in her crib, where she tosses and fusses and flails legs wide until she becomes still, and drifts into fitful silence. Then it’s more meds and more mixing of formula and more taping oxygen to sweet cheeks.

So this wonderful Saturday, we took a break for a few hours. There is nothing like good babysitters to comfort your mind as you escape (in the minivan, no less ) to the downtown Lancaster City in the spring. Blossoming trees entwined fragrant limbs overhead. Springtime wafted white petaled fairy breath down the streets.

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Enthusiastic street musicians played joyously.  Winding Way Bookstore, tucked below the row of Art galleries, was quaintly unique and we could have delved among the treasures and volumes for hours.

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Galleries of art opened their stately silent doors for our imaginations, and the Fork and Spoon cafe on the corner offered  a sugar free Dulce De Leche latte on their plain white menu.

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We hadn’t brought enough quarters for a long period of street parking, so we headed out for Barns and Noble to finish of our little date.

He chose the business section.

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I headed for Art. And got sidetracked along the way in Parenting. There was a delightful section specifically for Children with Special needs. I loaded my arms full, and only had time to grab one Art book before we met in the Cafe for coffee, and the most wonderful moist melt in your mouth blueberry muffin.

We smiled and breathed deeply and sipped coffee and broke off crumbles of muffin and browsed good reads, and suddenly it was 3:43 and we had planned to be back by 4:00! So we wrapped up our happy quiet moments and pulled our heads out of books, and headed back to our minivan and our two car seats.

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 And life all looked so much more doable.

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 We were refreshed and energized and heady with new dreams. Nothing like books to set the imagination on its own boundless marathon.

Our two delightful children were all smiles. The world seemed so right again…though nothing had outwardly changed.

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Give yourself a break, my friend! Take a few hours to do something you REALLY love…for we only have this moment today!

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Happy Spring!