I am powerful. I am Alive.
Perhaps that is the biggest breakthrough I have had in 2020.
To be honest, I never wanted power. Partly because I thought power was wrong and partly because I didn’t understand power. I looked at power as a dictatorship. A way to hold authority over someone. A higher level of being and living. Now I look at it through different eyes.
I’ve been silent on this blog again, mostly because I’ve been rumbling so deeply with inner longings and questions. I asked God awhile back if I’m wrong to be asking so many questions…searching in so many places for answers and insights and points of view. I felt God tell me that I should keep asking. Keep searching. Staying open.
While I love learning new things and following new bunny trails, I do not enjoy the loss of control and certainty it leads me to. I want things down pat. I want an answer key and a gold star so I can effortlessly float along on others thinking and be a grade A woman.
Except I don’t. Fitting into a mold has never gone well for me. The quote ‘Not all who wander are lost’ is a very fitting one for my life. Wandering is my specialty and I can delve into different subjects and walk all around in them and lose myself in inspiration and information. I can pop back to earth just as fast.
I’m forever changed by my wandering. I’m learning to embrace it and view it as a good thing!
I’ve been asking a LOT of questions in 2020. Haven’t we all?
My theme word for this year was Alive.
I wanted to become the flame. The burning pulsing throb of heat and life and radiance.
I didn’t know what the year would bring. Who could have guessed?
Sometimes we need to walk through seasons of numbness in order to find the flame.
I wrote my aliveness in moments. Expecting little but knowing that staying present was a gift to myself as well as others. It wasn’t the way I thought it would be. This aliveness. I learned a bit more about letting go of expectations and letting the ALIVE find its own waterway through my heart.
Recently, I dreamed that I was weeping alone in a dewy lawn of grass when a figure approached me. I immediately knew it was Jesus. He didn’t say anything and I had no idea how to address Him. I did know I had a whole long list of questions for Him though!
He didn’t ask me for an explanation for my tears. He just stood there with me. Present in my wondering. I was awaken at that exact moment by my three year old. I couldn’t ask Him my long list, but His Presence stayed with me.
I know now that The Presence is always with me. There is no rush to find my Aliveness. There is nothing wrong with sitting in the discomfort and the growing pains. I know that every time I open my heart to the Divine and follow the nudge I feel, more knowing will come to me.
I am not a disappointment to God. I am not a broken fragment of His plan for my life.
Neither are you.
There is no rush to this discovery of Life. When we trust Christ, we are viewed through eyes of love and peace. We are seen whole. Unbroken. Powerful. Alive.
The ALIVE is already inside us.
It’s OURS to embrace.
We have so much Power. We have so much LIFE.