Posing

You know how sometimes you feel so unqualified for a job that you are paranoid to say you own it?

That’s how I’ve been feeling about homeschooling. I never intended to homeschool my kids. And then I planned to. And then I didn’t. And now I am. And I am loving it!

I caught myself telling someone recently that I’m going to TRY to homeschool this year and then I corrected myself because they were my friends and I boldly said ” I AM going to homeschool this year ”

And I’m going to do an excellent job.

I don’t know if it will be exactly the way I am hoping. But whether or not it looks tidy and neat or messy and freestyle, I am going to do my absolute best.

Having a medically fragile child for 3 1/2 years taught me to hold all plans and expectations in an open hand. However, sometimes it feels like I err on the side of footloose. Commitment is hard for me since I tried not to make any commitments I couldn’t keep. To make it all a bit more complicated, I’m a ‘fly by the seat of my pants” person..Naturally. I also have a hard time saying No. And you know what else? I realized that I love to pose.

This book opened my eye to that 🙂

In case you think I’m photogentic, that’s not what I mean 🙂 Posing is this:

I see myself in a place or situation in my imagination that is not my actual reality. Its just that I like that vision of myself so much and I talk about it so much , that I project it into my days and my life and I almost believe its true.

Like living in a tiny house, for instance.

With glass jars of spices and clothing that all coordinates and cute little cubicals of neatly folded clothes.

I would actually like to try the whole tiny house thing some day but right now, its not my reality and no amount of dreaming is going to change that!

My best days have semi organized drawers and books spilling from shelves and baskets and clothes with bold colors.

I’m trying to not be a poser when it comes to home schooling or mothering. Its just a bit hard when you don’t really know what you’re doing, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Its not posing when your heart is in the here and now.

Right here. Right now.

Many of us are holding it together on coffee and a prayer , though. And that’s ok!

Its the reality show days when our whole lifeline is a whisper to our Creator that really make us who we are.

And we stop and wonder at His waves of grace.

On a side note, Glacier and Yellowstone were beautiful this week and we had so much fun exploring Nevada City.

It makes me so grateful to live in Montana! So grateful for my manchilds and mainman!

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4 thoughts on “Posing

  1. I totally understand. In addition to having a medically challenged child at one point I found myself the spouse of a US soldier. I always spent a few weeks as a single parent as he was away training in other states. Soon other states turned into other countries. Which turned into an year with him away in a war zone . I decided that I needed at that point to go back to school in case anything ever happened I would have something to support my girls. 2014 I graduated with a degree in early childhood and special education and I’ve put our family in thousands of dollars of debt to pay for college. I can not find a job to pay off my debt. I’ve overheard I’m too old and that they cant commit to me because of my daughters medical condition. I’m so upset. But I have to think that God has a plan. Somewhere somehow he has a plan I just need to figure out what it is . It’s a frightening road.

    • Oh wow! I so hear you!!! That does sound extremely frighting! Having your kids depend on you is truly one of the biggest burdens to carry although we do it with joy, I know!!!
      I recently quit my job as a CNA to spend time at home with my boys and in some ways, it can scare me silly. Fear is never truly productive in my experience 😂
      I did find a great work from home company that I’m part of and I feel confident it will help support us this winter when my husbands lawn care comes to a stand still.
      Hugs to you my friend and I’m standing with you in believing that good will come to you! I’m so proud of you for working so hard for your family! ❤

  2. Anita, you will make a great homeschool mom. Your love for the details of life will so enrich your sons’ learning. It is like anything else, there are days when you wonder if you are really doing everything right or if you are doing anything right. But it is God who takes what we do and makes good come out of it. Blessings to you…
    Just thought I’d let you know that we had a granddaughter who just made her pass from this life to eternity early this morning. God gave us the opportunity to love on her hard for six weeks then took her home. Our hearts are broken but we trust and know He makes no mistakes. She will be buried somewhere in the same cemetery as Kierra. Her name is Analisa and her parents are Nate and Rosene. Love you.

    • Oh Kate. Thank you for these words! You are so encouraging!
      And I am so so sorry for sweet Analisa’s passing! My heart breaks for all of you. I will be holding you all in prayer!

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