Its dark in our tent and the air mattress whooshes whenever I turn over. There’s the gentle sigh of wind through the aspens and the quiet “oof” of the dog lying guard outside the door.
Night breezes whisper through above me and the even breathe of my husband reminds me That I should probably be sleeping as well.
Our back yard is our camp ground tonight. Its cool and comfy and an adventure of its own kind.
This blog has been a journey into my heart and now is no exception. In just a few days, our Wildflower girl will turn 8 years old. Or will she? I never know how to count years in heaven. My friend who has a son in Heaven told me, with a far away look in her eyes, that she likes to think we will be able to watch our children grow up after we get to heaven. We won’t miss out on their lives at all.
I loved that more then I can say, because to me, Kierra will always be my 3 yr old daughter with the most beautiful hair.
The past week has been tough. I feel my tension rising and my heart rate increasing. You know how it feels to face the inevitable.
Like a birth.
Like a tooth being pulled.
Like the ticket being written out in that flashing car behind you.
Like a thunder storm brewing and no place to run to.
Like a train headed your way .
Like the dawn .
Or the sunset.
Thats how it feels right now.
Sometimes I can hardly breathe because all I want is my little girl back. I know deep in my heart that I’d never wish her back to the brokenness in this world. But nothing can stop my mommy heart from longing for that mommy/daughter relationship that ended way too soon .
Kobe was 2 when she died.
He is 6 now. This year has been especially hard for him. Perhaps its his age and the maturity of his brain. Perhaps its because we have been adjusting our parenting method and allowing more wide open spaces and room to explore feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and rejection. Its rung me out and left me sobbing but I feel like healing is coming. Slowly but surely.
He had an especially rough day last week. It wasn’t getting better and finally he broke wide open to me and told me about the deep sadness “so black I’m afraid I will forget her” that made him miss Kierra. He sobbed and sobbed and I held him and wept with him.
Nothing breaks your heart like a child’s grief. And nothing is as healing then those cleansing tears.
I am trying to remember to hand grace around freely right now. But guys, it’s incredibly harder to do then to say.
One of the hardest people to extend grace to is myself. The irony lies in the fact that a graceless life is not likely to share grace. I’m praying for added doses this week, and I’ll take any prayers you offer as well!
I wept today when I let anger rule my response to my little Ky. This was not the mommy I wanted to be at all.
I realize again the importance of rebooting myself. I randomly shut off my phone and hit restart. It always works so much better.
Its the same way with us, my friends!The world will not fall to pieces without us. We WILL fall to pieces if we don’t shut down and reboot occasionally. Life was not meant to live in a frenzy of fear and running from ourselves.
It was meant to be embraced. It was meant to be savored. Shared. Valued.
We diminish that value when we reject our selves and our self worth.
A few of the things that have helped me :
*taking a break from social media once a week. Because of my business, this is not always a 100% break but I shoot for at least 24 hr of minimal social media. We go on drives or explore outdoors.
* writing and reading. It relaxes me.
* doing something creative that may even appear childish or worthless.
* finding a place of beauty. Like a quiet bookstore or coffee shop. A bench by the river. A tent in our back yard.
*sitting in the sunshine and feeling the ground beneath me.
*going on a date with my man.
Your list will likely look different then mine. But it will be Beautiful. Because it is YOU!
Grace. Hand it out freely this week.
It is so needed!