It’s the twelfth day of 2020.
It’s taken me 12 days to put words to the thoughts in my head.
And even now, they come out stumbly and awkward.
It’s Sunday evening and it’s black dark outside and the temperature is plummeting below zero.
It’s January and 6 years ago, on this very day I was bringing our three year old daughter home from another hospital stay with no idea that in a few short weeks, she would physically leave us for the rest of our earthly lives.
I wept as I drove home in the gathering dusk earlier tonight, after picking up Vitamin C and Echinacea and Throat Coat tea for my son.
I wept because I wanted to spend another day or month or year or forever with our daughter ALIVE.
I wept because I miss the feminine, sweet, little girlishness she brought into our lives.
Sometimes death feels so dead.
I know there is always Life somewhere.
I just need to choose to see it.
This year, I chose the word ALIVE as my focus.
Not because I wanted to hide the pain of death. Not because I want to live every day in a flurry of activity or growth.
I chose it because I want to remind myself of LIFE.
I want to remind myself that no matter how my heart and emotions feel, I am vitally ALIVE.
I have been making a running record in my journal of proof that I am ALIVE.
Some may think it a gratitude list if they saw it.
It’s more then that to me. While I’m grateful for everyone of those things I list, it’s also proof to me that LIFE is still happening. Right this minute.
Dirt under fingernails.
Homes for crickets.
Green in Winter.
I stand with myself and weep in the death of our daughter. It’s a healthy thing to grieve. But death can be so much more then physical death.
Death can be lived in the heart and the mind and this is where I stand my ground and come ALIVE.
I refuse to be soul stuck in the clutches of shame and fear and selfish thinking. I refuse to ruminate on things I cannot change. I refuse to believe my self worth is based on my emotions and thoughts and others opinion of me. I refuse to manipulate myself and others by doing and saying things in a passive aggressive manner. I refuse to allow other people’s issues to control my own personal mental and physical health.
I will fall down flat often this year. I know I will. But I also known that I am not the sum total of my mistakes.
Falling does not mean I am dead. It means I am human and it means I have an opportunity to grow.
I am reminding myself of my own humanity and my own power …through the wonderful grace of my Creator.
I am reminding myself by writing lists about being ALIVE.
Steamed cream in my coffee. So frothy and smooth on my tongue.
The ache in my shoulders after a day of work.
Fractured morning light on the living room wall.
The smell of icy winter.
The way my son lies, breathing in and out.
Sleep music wafting through the room.
Footsteps of my husband downstairs.
Writing down the present makes me more aware. It reminds me of the important things happening all around me and keeps me from getting stuck on things I cannot change. Things in the past. Things in the future. Things in the present that are out of my control.
I want to be ALIVE this year.
To listen without judgment.
To give true empathy without patronizing or trying to fix things.
I want to feel my heart healing.
I want to watch the woman inside of me blossoming.
I want to own my story and live my present.
I want to feel the joy and the hard and the mundane.
I want to remind myself that ALIVE is what my soul is. That no death will take that from me.
Death is conquered already. My Divine Creator is the essence of ALIVE and He has invited me into His presence.
EMBRACE IT. THIS ONE WONDERFUL MIRACULOUS LIFE.