Today was good.
It’s no wonder I am so very, very tired tonight.
We had quite a bit of formula and medical supplies and equipment that needed a new home since Kierra doesn’t need all that earthly stuff any more. (I wish I could sit for one glorious day (even in the hospital) and just hold her.)
I had contacted The Clinic where we did most of her primary doctoring. They were happy to share her supplies with their patients.
This morning, Kobe and I packed up and headed over to Strasburg for the day. I offered to sort through their donated supplies and label boxes etc for them. It was a tiny way to say ‘Thanks’ for everything they had done for us.
It also was a great way to be able to sift through all the familiars in life that have so suddenly stopped. I felt like breathing in the scent of tape and oxygen canulas and feeding pump bags. Yep, losing someone you love like crazy, makes you a little crazy too 🙂
I felt like those bags of syringes and feeding supplies were my good friends. They were familiar and comfy and soothing.
Quite a different story when I first came home from the hospital with Kierra two years ago and it would take me forever to get anything done and I would spend many precious (rather frustrating) minutes, pushing beeping buttons and staring at the tiny pump screen trying to comprehend what ‘flow’ and ‘volume’ and ‘rate’ meant.
Even the hard things in life can become beautiful and the things that made you ‘unusual’ tendril their way into your system and suddenly you woke to the fact that they had invaded your whole life and become your friendly, faithful side kicks.
It was comforting and peaceful going to the quiet, low lit, spacious room upstairs in The Clinic. To sip coffee and sort boxes and organize thing in nice ship shop shape. To speak with Doctors and nurses who knew and loved Kierra.
It was healing.
Kobe helped me tear tape, played with play dough, made an escape/ dash down the stairs and all the way to the office, played with toys, and was a typical little two year old.
I love him so much.
It is really hard to know how to handle him right now. His personality has changed more then I was hoping it would. I have a feeling it’s a mixture of new, grown up independence and also the confusion of having his little world rocked. He needs lots of love and attention and positive words since he gets into LOTS of trouble. It’s hard to get the affirmation in between the instruction and correction.
His fun spirit is still there, it’s just a bit lost right now.
Today on the way home from the Clinic, we stopped at a tiny second hand boutique store. I was trying pants on him in a tiny secluded back hallway, since I noticed someone was using the only dressing room. (the curtain was drawn, so that means ‘in use’) How hard can it be to try pants on a two year old? His sock came off, so he had a fit about that, because his toes would get too cold. Then, he twisted around enough to see that he was standing next to a bathroom that I never knew existed. “PEE!” he squealed, lurching toward the open door. I grabbed two armfuls of things as I quickly tried to follow his streaking little self. Of course he easily beat me and was happily putting the toilet seat up and down, saying “there? or “there?” I tried not to notice the grossness of it. shivers…and gingerly put it DOWN. “There“. Then I Sat him on it and scrubbed his hands very well afterward.
Since the store is too tiny for carts, it was a challenge to keep him corralled in my vision (seriously! ONE 2 yr old?) I had to do repeated laps around the two narrow, long racks of clothing to keep track of him.
I looked up from a clothing rack to see no little, yellow jacketed boy close by. The store was very quiet. I stealthily, quickly, whisked my way to the back. No Kobe. I turned the corner to the changing room with a sinking heart.
A blushing stranger held the curtain back and there was my little boy, hiding behind her legs.
“Thankfully, I was dressed,” she smiled bravely. “I told him to go find his Mom and he informed me he was ‘hiding’.”
I am very thankful for the kind graciousness of that girl. She could have yelled really badly.
What could I do but apologize? And tell Kobe that it was very impolite to walk in on people behind curtains and help him apologize. His little ‘sorry’ really was just heart melting though!
You guessed it, I headed for the register really soon.
But Kobe wasn’t finished yet. I didn’t dare set him on the floor when I paid for fear he would streak off again. (seriously, he has a major attention span/energy/hard of hearing/disobeying problem here. did you catch on yet?:)
He wrestled with my wallet because he wanted to pay with money. “No, Kobe. I am paying with the credit card. I didn’t bring money today.”
So he lunges for the hand held price scanner. Two year olds have REALLY strong fingers!
I finally got it away from him. He was laughing hysterically like it was the best game ever. He immediately lunges for the little tagging gun that I had never noticed and wrapped his tiny fingers into knots around the tiny delicate plastic ream of tags. (an odd picture of a fish spine flew through my mind in that awkward detangling moment). I may have shivered.
I left with a whole new level of Mommy Dignity. I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what that means.
I think we will be having some guidiance/obediance sessions in the next days.
You know you are the Mommy of toddlers when you see a bill board that reads “Fully Trained and Obedient In 4 Days” and your heart does this queer little WOW! YES!!!! thing. Only to see the adorable dog smiling happily beside the brazen promise.
I would much rather have a lively two year old ANY day. Even if it takes a life time of loving and exasperation and laughter!
P.S. I forgot to mention the ‘trying to be helpful’ man at the hardware store. I stopped by on a chance that they would have blank stretched canvas (like artists’ canvas). He didn’t think they had any but directed me to the buggy shop close by who might ‘just give me big piece of canvas’. I didn’t have enough patience to rexplain myself so I had to leave before I laughed out loud and ruined his goodwill. There are such different ways to understand words in life!