So when your wonderful friend from nearly 3,000 miles away texts you on the day of your daughter’s second anniversary in Heaven and asks if you would like to Face time at her grave, how can you say No!?
I waited expectantly for that call and sure enough, just like she promised, her beautiful face popped up on my screen and there she stood in the middle of a huge expanse of dazzling white….in front of a pink stoned grave.
She had brought pink roses and her kindness to this frozen bit of landscape in Pennsylvannia and it did my heart good to see the unbroken beauty, the teddy tucked in, and the little rocks that Kobe painted for his sister.
My heart had been in all kinds of places over the last week. Anger at God for ‘robbing ‘ me of so much. For taking my husband’s little girl and my Kobe’s sister. I had told Him plenty. About how I felt and how unfair it seemed and how I didn’t know what He expected me to do with such strong emotions. Since then, I found the most wonderful little book (on the very anniversary of her second year in Heaven!)full of verses and lovely photos that seemed to clinch in my mind again that we are human and God is God and He is always good and He never robs us. We might not understand, but that doesn’t define who He is or how much He loves us and weeps with us and gives us amazing miracles. I’ve had long talks with Him and long talks with my husband and coffee with my friend, and prayers of family and I feel like I can say,”You’re a good good Father.” Again.
Now back to this day. We Facetimed and Kobe stuck his head in front of me and asked all kinds of four year old questions and made four year old comments and had Sadie and I both laughing. The snow was all gorgeous and pure looking, and suddenly without warning, like a glorious dawning, my friends face was haloed in light. No, this does not do justice to the beauty. It was simply breathtaking. But this proves it was real :)
We were both so amazed we could scarcely speak. The Heaven’s seemed to open and illuminate everything into a sparkling dazzle that took my breath away through the screen. It felt like if I started walking, I could walk straight into the Light and Warmth of that golden path and straight Into Glory.
And somehow, the moon above it was even touched with it’s brilliance. It felt like a hug from Kierra. Like she had asked God to show us a tiny bit of what she is experiencing right now. That God wanted me to know I am loved and cared about beyond my wildest dreams. Because it had been overcast and the sun was nearly setting and He wanted me to know He had amazing plans for us.
Later, I got a card from Sadie and she wrote that her prayer for me on that very day was that I would see a glimpse of the beauty of Heaven where Kierra is. Your prayer came true, my girl! Thanks for obeying that nudge from God to Face Time me at that particular time and for allowing God to show us both His Unfailing Love!
Then I saw it! As if that glorious light had not been enough….God gave us this yet too….
On my sweet daughter’s grave. I was so amazed and overwhelmed, I couldn’t weep. I just asked Sadie to show me the grave again and we alternated between that glorious sun and that glowing grave.
It wasn’t until later that I cried. And thanked God and a dawning crept over my heart. Without the Sun there would be no light. Without the obstacles in life, there would be no shadows. And without the shadows, there would be no Cross.
I am in tears now, just thinking about it. My God gave His Son for me….so I could live. He loaned us our daughter for three and a half short years. We gave her back to Him. He knows the pain of watching a child die. He knows the cost. He knows His Son is the only light that illuminates our darkness and finds us. I bow in worship. In the shadow of the very Cross where “Love Ran Red” as Chris Tomlin sings….
//There’s a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There’s a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I’ve ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down.//
I felt emotion in my deepest of hearts just like he writes in the chorus…
// here my hope is found
Here on holy ground
Here I bow down….
I owe all to you….Jesus!//
This morning, the hard didn’t seem so hard. Because just before I fully woke up, I dreamed for a few short moments that I was in ICU, holding Kierra on my lap, and we were about to be discharged. She was so happy about going HOME. A nurse walked in the door and she turned her face toward the nurse and giggled. The she gave a clear, thrilled, happy laugh. It still echos in my mind. I think that’s the laugh she is using in Heaven today. Pure blissful delight. She laughed. I can’t wait to hear it in Heaven and to see her smile break across her face and into my heart with it’s own glorious dawning…..
Because of the Cross!