2

To Dream Again

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Three years ago, my friend dedicated this photo to me with the words…

“God loves lining up the details in our lives…”

Three years ago. This was us.

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Living in the hospital. Kierra fighting RSV.

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Spending every moment we could together as a family. Finding joy in small things like smiles and beautiful silky hair.

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Our lives didn’t feel very lined up at the time. It was more like an unending bad dream. We clung to God and hope and getting through the day and not worrying about much else. Straight lines of what God had in mind for us flooded us instead like a typhoon rain with no guarantee that it would end any time soon. Questions swirled around our very existence and we wondered what God was thinking. Or if he was even paying any attention at all to our daughter.

Three years later I look back and still don’t understand everything God had in mind for us. But I know one thing for certain.

In Christ alone, my HOPE is found!

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He never turned His back or walked away through my questions and tears and fears and grief. He sent rainbows of every description over the past year since Kierra ran to Jesus.

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there”s a tiny piece in this one away out in the distance.

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Bits and pieces of rainbows shone through the showers this year more then I’ve ever seen before. Even double rainbows spread amazing arches. It was like God was holding out His hand. Convincing  me He really DID have a plan. Assuring me that I could trust Him.

Today I sat in the Pediatric unit of the very hospital I was in 3 years ago to the very day. But this time I was tapping away on a computer, doing more learning in becoming an CNA.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God really IS lining up details in our lives.

As I drove over the wide open spaces toward my first interview with the director of nursing the other week, I wiped tears from my eyes. My heart was so peaceful. So bursting with peace. I could nearly feel God’s hand on my shoulder helping me the last two moths. I could feel Steve’s support and love encouraging me to keep learning and going and trusting God when studying got difficult.

But at the same time, I wept for what might have been. For what was five years ago. A mommy heart waiting to meet her daughter. Ready with so many dreams and hopes and exciting things to do and teach and experience in life.

One of my biggest struggles in having a child with severe health issues and in having to say Goodbye too soon was coming to grips with my broken dreams. I felt like because my dreams were shattered, that they didn’t mean anything. That God had a bit of iron in His hand to break my heart. The very heart He had created  that had dreamed of having sweet children for as long as I can remember. Why couldn’t I be the one who didn’t especially dream of kids? Who wasn’t crazy over babies and toddlers and sippy cups and blankys?

Why would God give me a dream only to break it?

Was it safe to ever hope for anything again? Maybe I should just expect my husband to die, our house to burn down, and my son get  bit by a rabid raccoon. I may as well have terminal cancer too. Expect nothing and you will be happily surprised.

But God actually doesn’t work that way. I’m His child. He loves me enough to pull me up out of my funk and get me looking at the cup half full. He gives me family and friends and encouraging rainbows and a husband who loves Him too.

I still don’t have answers to my questions. But I do know one thing. It almost hurts to admit it. But it was so real to me that day, that I have to share it.

I was living a dream.

To you who are huddling with broken dream fragments clasped in your bleeding hands….there is HOPE. You don’t have to feel it right now. But turn your heart toward the sunshine and eventually the warmth and healing of our Son will do an amazing work that even you can’t comprehend right now.

Because driving to an interview that day, my stomach tied up in knots, i realized something

I truly was dreaming again. And I didn’t even know it. I was LIVING a dream. I was experiencing a dream come true! And I hadn’t even planned on it. I was being given a chance to work at a hospital., To help hurting people. To touch finger prints of God all over the hard of this earth.

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I was having a dream coming true that had been buried so deep in me that I scarcely knew it existed.

Somehow, the torrential rains of the last years were slowing. There was hope.life.dreams coming from them.

The details were lining up and though they still didn’t look all neat and tidy to me yet (i’m a woman with emotions that jump all over…so will they EVER look lined up exactly straight? i doubt it!) I know that from God’s point of view He is lining them up to create a pattern of beauty.

 It hurt to realize I truly was living a dream…

because I lost a dream…

But maybe that’s the mystery The Dream Giver will reveal someday when He wipes away the tears from our human eyes and we SEE His glory!

And HIS DREAM.

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2

He Went All Out

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God went all out this year already.

We chased the most gorgeous sunset the other night. It literally filled the air with pink and soft and beauty. I felt like I was dreaming.

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lone, wind-screwed tree turned into a work of art.

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stretching miles of  blending sky

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it even graced the

 plain fortress of dried autumn, stacked high for winter’s cold

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The heavenly Creator unleashed His palette of pink. Carmine,salmon and magenta.

He’s the Lover that creates so much  beauty for us, that we are silent in the majesty. Wrapped in the rosy hues of His peace. Entranced by the  vastness and glory of it all.

I think its His promise that no matter how bleak and cold the remaining days of winter drag, He has an amazing springtime coming.

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And until then, each sunrise speaks of His new mercies. His unfailing love.

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Even in the middle of man made structures and walls and glass panes and  electric lines and our own complicated messes that stand between us and nature…His glory won’t be stopped.

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Life can’t beat us. Circumstances can’t control us. Our God won’t stop at ANYTHING to display His power. Nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too difficult for Him. His love always shines through!

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I just love when God shows off!

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Of Three Year Old Paintings.

I’ve been paranoid of my keyboard. Don’t ask me why because I’m not sure myself. But I know I must type to break the power it is taunting over me.:)

We survived a year. We got through the first anniversary of Kierra’s great triumphant ushering into Heaven. I won’t pretend it was easy or pretty. I didn’t always think very kind thoughts toward my Heavenly Father. I cried some pretty big crocodile tears. But I also found peace and hope and love holding me at the end of the night.

It’s not like the night is totally over. It never will be until we live forever with the Son who is the LIGHT and there is NO NIGHT there. The night time of the soul is never my favorite part of life to grope through. But if we had no night here on earth, there would be no morning. No dawning. No fresh hope and courage and the knowledge that if God got you through this far, He has no intention of leaving you to face any darkness alone without His arms to carry you.

There were some AMAZING sunrises and sunsets in January. I will post some of the miraculous colors later. But it’s after 10 PM and I should be in bed. I just had to write a few lines to break this silent spell that is trying to take me captive. The last few days have actually been good. Steve and Kobe and I are all healthy and happy. Despite all the exciting things God has been surprising me with in my life, I still have this restless feeling. I think I’m simply homesick. For Heaven. And Kierra. And my Jesus.

I sat here tonight, curled up on our broken overstuffed chair that Kierra always used to hang out in and looked through her paintings. I was hoping it would make me feel closer to her. I was longing for one little touchable wonderful thing that was totally HER.

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Like these sweet brush strokes.

They made me happy and I remembered how pleased she was to paint them. How she beamed and wiggled when Stephen complimented her on how awesome it was. But part of me was sad too. Because everything she did was through me. I helped her hold her brush. I dipped it in paint. I nudged her hand forward to swipe across the page.

And an awful lonely feeling plagued me. What had she left that that was truly her? What had she done that was JUST Kierra? I sat here, feeling lost and lonely and a bit upset at God. He had seen her first steps. Heard her first sentence. Didn’t I deserve that as a Mommy? Wasn’t she MY little girl? The one I had seen on the ultrasound, and heard her first cry? Gazed into her tiny scrunchy face? And felt my heart melt?

And it felt like there was nothing but memories left for me. Sometimes the grip of pain tries really, really hard to suck the breath clear out of the lungs.

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I founds these words in her art book. And while I scripted them and drew the sun, I know without a shadow of a doubt that those are typical Kierra scribbles below.

I felt God whisper to me that I am more like Kierra then I will ever know. We all are.

“For in Him we LIVE and MOVE and have our being.”… KJV Bible

We couldn’t lift one little bitty finger or breath one whoosh of lung if it weren’t for our God. HE gives us the power and potential that carries us through our days. From when we wake to when we are asleep and all the time that morphs together between those hours. We are in His. In His total control. (And we think we have so much control over our bodies and emotions:). :)

HE gives us the courage and creativity to paint the canvas of our lives. HE gives us the intellect and laughter and compassion to live out our dreams. It’s all a Master piece. And while He never forces us to color in the lines, He does give us grace to allow Him to create beauty from our scribbling.

I think someday HE will make it up to us. (As if we are indebted to Him.) I can NEVER repay Him for the change and grace and forgiveness He has brought to my heart.

But honestly. I still sometimes feel a bit cheated that I never got to see my daughter fully express herself. You know what? Gods got a reason for what He does.

He never causes pain without some purpose. He does not waste tears or shrug off our grief. He has something “out of this world” beautiful in mind for you and me! He has a surprise we can’t begin to imagine. He created us exactly the way He wanted us. With our own unique longings and dreams and talents. Because we were created to glorify Him here on Earth…but ultimately , we were MADE for HEAVEN!!
And thats where we will find our deepest longings filled!!!
My little Kierra is living the dream! I can’t wait to join her!

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Remembering Kierra Fundraiser

 It’s nearing the end of January. That means it will soon be a year since Kierra joined the angels in heaven. Last year we had spent lots of time in the hospital.

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One of Kierra and I’s favorite things to do was to get her all prettied up. I would give her a bed bath, brush out her beautiful silky hair, working through the impossible tangles in the back until they hung lovely and smooth.

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She would have her favorite blanket to hang onto and her cutest outfits to make the room feel more cozy.

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And when I had some extra time,  I would paint our toenails with matching polish.

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Remember pampering her this day, Sadie?

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She was a little princess with those pretty nails. Sierra gave her lovely pastel lavender and pink polish for her birthday and she looked so girly girl with it on her tiny toes! I miss pampering her. I miss her tiny hands and feet. I miss matching with my little girl.

I’m sure there are better things in heaven then pretty nails, but since I’m still a human Mommy, I wanted to do a little fundraiser in Remembrance of Our Wildflower Child.

If you have never heard of Jamberry  nail wraps, you are missing out :) I am having a party at my house on

Friday afternoon at 3:00 P.M.

January 23.

There will be lots of nail wraps here. This is a special party for Mommy’s and their little girls. Delightful little nail wraps and big mommy ones will both be available. Stefanie will be here to answer any questions and show you how to apply them and tell you good stories of how long these cute wraps last :) There are styles for everyone, whether you like French tips, Chevron, or something with Bling or Bold.

(hint: the Valentines one are darling!)

So you are all officially invited to my house for some Mommy/daughter time…and while many of you are from out of state or it won’t work for you to come but you’d still like to check them out…I’ve included a link for you to order from.

This fundraiser is for The Clinic For Special Children in Pennsylvannia.  This is the clinic that diagnosed and is still currently researching NCS. {nephro cerebellum syndrome}

There is still no known cure for this rare genetic disorder, but some of the most intelligent, world renowned physicians are researching it. Although Kierra snuggled into Jesus’ arms before there was a cure, we are hoping and praying that a breakthrough would come. We are praying that other children wouldn’t have to suffer from NCS

So feel free to click on the Jamberry link and pick out some lovely nail wraps for yourself and your girly girls or friends!

Someday I’ll hold this little girl’s hand again…until then, I’ll hold the memories!

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And Then It Was 2015

The New Year is technically over.
The goals made.
The holiday cheer still a lingering pleasantness.
Some tears cried.
And laughs shared.
Some good intentions broken.
Some plans penciled in the planner.

Our New Year was quiet. Relaxing. Reflective.
Oddly, though, I didn’t make any goals. Just the simple choosing of facing another year with courage. A smile. A thankful heart. And my God.

Last year, I dreaded 2014.
Something ominous seemed to hang over my head.
Something very sad DID Happen.
We lost Kierra.
But something even greater happened.
She is more alive then ever before.

And we are the ones still living the dream.

This year, a bit of the ‘dread spirit’ still hovers over me. May be I will struggle with it every New Year. Maybe I will need to make a conscience choice to choose Trust and Thankfulness.

But the joy will come. As sure as the sunrise.

We are working on a 2,000 piece puzzle right now.

It’s spread out over our little kitchen table.

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It’s a great example of life. It’s all about not seeing the big picture. Noticing shades of dark and light. Watching patterns emerge. Conversing slowly. Finding patience. Persistence.

Nothing about rushing. Or a quick fix. A snap…or a click…with results.

It’s about perspective. Hope for a beautiful finish. Faith that the pieces will all be here. And fit together.

I must admit my husband is twice as good and devoted to the whole puzzle thing as I am. I bought it. He puts it together. I love watching him work his magic on the pieces :) But it DOES make me feel accomplished to know that I helped…even if he is the actual brains to the complicated:)

Kobe is all into His alphabet puzzle train right now. What could be better then waffles and Thomas pjs and puzzles and being with the ones you love on New Year’s Day? :)

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One of the biggest events for us in January is starting tomorrow. I plan to take CNA classes. I am so excited, and of course a good bit apprehensive.
Steve and I have had lots of discussions about this subject over the last months.
There are so many pros and cons. ‘What ifs.’ ‘Should I?’
We just couldn’t quite let it drop. It persisted in our thoughts and kept coming up in our conversations until we finally faced it square on, talked it out once again, asked The Lord for direction, and made a decision.

I would take the classes and start working (hopefully) ( if I pass:) part time. Steve and I would adjust our schedules (if/when I begin working) to cover Kobe’s care since it is very important to us that he and Steve and I are our top priorities. (in writing this I want to make it clear that this is not a reflection ,by any means, on those who put their children to the babysitter! :)

I don’t expect to fill the ‘Kierra hole’ in my heart by caring for others. I only hope to pass on a bit of the care that has been graciously given to us over the past years. Perhaps the knowledge and experience I gained in caring for my daughter can turn into a blessing to others as well.

So we are taking it a day at a time….a step at a time…..and praying God can use us all for His glory and to be the ‘hands and feet’ of Jesus.

So 2015…. Ready or not….here we come!

Wishing you all the grace and power of our Loving Father and God in the coming year….no matter what happens, heartbreak or amazing happiness…know that You are LOVED! And Heaven is waiting and will be so much more wonderful then anything we can hope or dream of!

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My Christmas Prayer For You

I just wanted to share this verse with you….a few days before Christmas.
This is intended to give you HOPE. This is my prayer for you. You who are facing life and it’s uncompromising hurts and HARD things.

Listen to this….

I pray that your Hearts
Would be flooded with LIGHT
So that you can UNDERSTAND
The CONFIDENT HOPE
He has given to those He called.

I pray also that you will understand
The incredible greatness
Of God’s POWER for us,
Who BELIEVE Him!

This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead…who fills all things everywhere with Himself.

Taken from Eph. 1.

Firmly embrace this day of light! And if today you are walking in the darkness of pain….know without a shadow of a doubt…as sure as the dawning sun…THE light WILL COME!!!

Our daughter is not with us for this Christmas, but her happiness is unparalleled, I know. I just had to share this lovely gesture of kindness and care that wonderful friends gave us.

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Since we can’t visit Kierra’s grave this year, they did it for us. I cried when I got this photo texted to me. The lovely wreath matches the one that was delivered to our front door last year. The shiny pink ornaments are SO Kierra! And that darling white K. I don’t know if they have any idea the good this did to my heart.

There aren’t really words to describe how much it means when my sister stops in on a trip to PA to visit Kierra’s grave and leaves a poinsettia. When friends celebrate her life with this wonderful wreath. I ask God to bless them in a special way! A REALLY special way!!

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BELIEVE and a Giveaway!

It’s cold. It’s winter.

IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS!

And in just a few days, it will be another thing.

our seventh wedding anniversary.

I think this is the perfect time for a little give away to my lovely friends on this blog! So here it is…

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A Christmas Light Canvas.

Read a bit farther to understand why I chose the word BELIEVE and to see how to enter the drawing to win.

I hope that this winter finds a glow in your heart. The privilege to BELIEVE. even when it’s hard.

A bit over 8 years ago, my Big Guy and I met for the very first time.

I from the East.

He from the West.

Just in case you didn’t know, I LOVE a happy, fuzzy romantic love story. One of our first ‘run ins’ was at the bottom of a Rocky Mountain foothill under a gorgeously lovely moon that was edging the frigid clear night with it’s impossibly soft warmth…..

a perfect set up for some heart sparks to fly.

Instead, I was bleeding red all over the front of Steve’s grey jacket and was convinced that every breath would be my last. That’s what happens when the most lovely innocent toboggan ride with girlfriends ends abruptly.That’s what happens when barbed wire meets face.

Cruel cold steel wired across flesh. And scars were created. It was ugly. And scary. And not at all what I planned.

I don’t believe in omens but do I believe in God’s omnipotent plan for our lives. Sometimes, in my wandering moments, I wonder if God was trying to tell us something way back then. That He makes beauty out of bloodshed. He keeps us breathing when we have no strength left to keep going.That life doesn’t always make rational sense.

Exactly a year after that accident, my heart had come a long way. I was learning trust and love and commitment and laying down silly notions and ideas. (yeah. i’m still working on that stuff:)

One thing was bigger then ever…those lovely heart sparks were flaming higher and hotter then ever! We were getting married!

December 7, 2006

The day I thought I would die.

December 7, 2007

The day I promised my life to the best Big Guy in the world.

happy happy wedding day!!!

(i laugh to think of all the near disasters that surrounded even that day)

The ironic thing was, the year before, I had gone west to teach a tiny school and carve out time with my Heavenly Father and try to figure out some hard questions of life. I wasn’t interested in guys.

But girls will be girls.

And when that true Love steals into your heart no matter how much you try to deny it….well, lets just say I was honored and thrilled!

It’s been seven years. There’s been bloodshed in our hearts. But there’s also been warm hugs that take in all the pain. So much love that pain morphs into beauty.

So many wonderful moments and happiness.

But we still live in a fallen world. As long as we are here, we face it.

Sometimes its hard to BELIEVE.

When I want my way and I don’t want to play fair and I am sure we are heading for disaster. When I let ridiculously small unimportant everyday things turn into a monstrous block wall. When I bang my head against it and wonder why it doesn’t budge. When I misunderstand.

It’s hard to believe.

When life hands me things I never asked for and warps my confidence that God is good. All the time.

It’s hard to believe.

When I don’t know what will happen next in life and it feels like your stuck in the waiting room. And you don’t want to be there.

It’s HARD to believe.

When others hurt and you can’t take away their pain.

It’s hard to BELIEVE!

I never would have believed my life if you had laid it out orderly for me while I was packing my bags for Montana 8 years ago.

It has been so wonderfully GOOD and GRAND!

But it’s also been brutally hard.

(Don’t we all have our own hard battle to face!?)

It is my life. And I embrace it.

Because I believe!

And that’s all because of God, my loving Father, who has PROMISED

(FOREVER AND ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT)

to keep me and never leave me.

My husband. My amazing wonderful Big Guy that has taught me to trust and love and given me a safe place for my heart to come home.

My angel cchildren in heaven

the Wee One we never met,

Kierra Raine.

who’s name is music to my ear

longing in my heart,

hope in my future.

Kobe Xander

who amazes me

challenges me

calls me Mom.

and I love like crazy.

I believe

because God has put so much love and peace and hope in the midst of the blood and tears.

I BELIEVE!

So here’s my wish for you this Christmas.

The chance to experience God.

And believe.

It’s something we must each do for ourselves.

Let me assure you. He will meet you and love you and forgive you.

He delights in you.

Just believe.

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So here’s the deal.

This is a white canvas done in Silver script and snowflakes with 50 lights. It measures 16×20 in. and has easy access to the Christmas light’s plug.

Leave your name in the comments below to enter this giveaway. The winner will be announced on Monday, December 8. 

I will contact the winner for their shipping address and you should receive it in no time at all :)